10000 colonuts wrapped in a brown paper bag...

One Season Ends, Another Begins

2012-01-07T16:59:00.002-05:00

zaxwry7rtfcfhfj jfmnkjn hjiop9ink

Translation (from my daughter's typing):

Deer Season is over. This year, I vacuum sealed my hunting apparel. The deer won't smell these clothes until next year.

Press Conference

2011-11-15T00:41:00.001-05:00

I guess I'm back...
http://youtu.be/iGij4JkEiKU

twin beds

2010-10-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

Why are they still putting double beds in hotels? Just think this through with me. If one person gets a room, they only need one bed. In which case, I would think for the sheer comfort and stretch out ability, that person..sed person would prefer a nice king size bed. Assuming that there were 2 persons occupying the room at the same time, such a "married" couple would prefer the comfort of 4 sets of toes at the end of the bed as to provide warmth. Such a couple wouldn't dare have separate beds. Now this is not because they wouldn't want their own space but simply because no room offers 2 king size beds. Now, you might be thinking that you and your best mate(as in the British term for a friend or buddy) want to share a room as to keep the lodging price down, there might be such an instance where separate beds would fit the plan. I immediately declare shenanigans. It is strict guy code, that even if there are 17 beds in one room, only 1 dude can occupy a room at a time. Despite the cost, you bunk in the car or cough up the pounds and get your self a room mister.
On a lighter note, the folks at Chipotle BP jacked me tonight and gave me hot salsa.
Chipotle - 1, Julian - 0.
buenos noches

That's Just How It's Done...el punto.

2010-04-11T23:45:00.003-05:00

I DVR'd two sporting events on Sunday. One of them made me remember why hard work always pays off, and the other reminded me that in the game called sport, luck is only preparation slapping opportunity in the face and there is never an exception. Tiger Woods has a ways to go to regain top form, and therefore hit the ball with just a hair better accuracy than I did. We shouldn't feel sorry for him; we will hope that the nasty sickness in his stomach called defeat will do what it always does to athletes.

But, the victory of the day that will be overlooked by 95% of all American sports writers was the Swiss powerhouse, Fabian Cancellara's incredible solo victory on the grueling cobbles of Roubix. I can accept that the USA is not all that into cycling, but it's hard to dismiss what an absolute fit of dominance he has displayed 2 Sundays in a row. This is where I would normally tell Tom Boonen and George Hincapie that I am sorry, however; I am not. You see, the best man wins. If the margin of victory is defined as luck, then that was one serious 5 fingers across the face that Mr. Preparation gave Opportunity. Cheers Fabian!

How many comebacks does one man need?

2010-04-10T20:07:00.002-05:00

After one full week of vacation, very few phone calls, and only a few read emails (not that I didn't recieve a lot, just that I went on work email strike. This normally backfires come Monday morning, and that's why I took Monday off. You see, I'm smarter than you think. Wonder who this is going to make my Tuesday lunch plans?), I could be making a comeback into the athletic area. After being drilled up and down the hills of Denver, NC today, I feel ready to clean the bike off and do it all over again. I even took it in the gutt out on the golf course. Just as Tiger missed three great opportunities to birdie today and be tied for the lead going into the final round of the masters, I also showed less than stellar results posting a firm and realistic 103 in 18 holes of non regulation play. No clubs were harmed in the outing, however; I did enjoy one highly non organic hotdog that ooozed with chemicals and artificial sweeteners. I guess that doesn't gel too well with my "NO FARMS NO FOOD" sticker on my car, but let's face it. Jack O'Lane threw a little Pepsi in the blender a couple of times to spice up the blend and you know it. Let's just do a 7 mile run in the morning, and see if we still want to take over the world. Oh, and yes...little tiny Messi weaved magic again to settle our interhouse rivalry as Barcelona defeated Real Madrid. Guess you folks will settle for the title of Fake Madrid for another year. I would like to offer you some nice parting gifts. Tell them what they've won!

I was wrong

2010-02-18T09:16:00.002-05:00

I thought that I could scare hackers away by threatening to go to twitter. That was a weak attempt to get these watch salesmen off my back.

So this will be the last week of this blog. You hackers can go mess up someone else's good time. Now, all I have to do is figure out twitter.

Chao

Hacked!

2010-02-12T15:24:00.001-05:00

Seriously, who hacks people's blogs these days? That's just ridiculous! I have been hacked badly 2 consecutive times. Unfortunately, all this hacking is running me away from one of my favorite past times of blogging. I am considering going to twitter. Yes, I said it…twitter.

STOP HACKING ME!!!!

Everyone Poos

2010-01-30T14:47:00.003-05:00

Last night I took a shovel to our 4 inches of snow just to make sure the girls had somewhere to "handle business." Apparently, Becca thought I didn't provide a clear enough area for her. This results in less Snowman building material.

Shocker

2010-01-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

I don't know that there are words to express what is happening here. This is scary. But, to me it appears that Santa is half asleep.

Panama Jack

2010-01-21T19:54:00.002-05:00

He's awake and in action!

Watch where you are going!

2010-01-16T15:21:00.001-05:00

The next time an officer of the law pulls you over, just ask them if they ever speed or make a mistake on the road ---- Asheville's Finest!

Rules and Regulations

2010-01-11T20:18:00.001-05:00

This is why I love Steve Smith...He likes to let everyone know how the game gets played.

All we need is luv...

2010-01-09T14:46:00.002-05:00

Pretty cool. I wonder why they never asked me to flex the golden pipes.

You say Tomatoe...I say Porta

2010-01-03T11:56:00.001-05:00

To you this may be just an average soy milk container from Trader Joe's, however; for me on this fine morning with the help of my embarrassed wife's pocket knife, it became a fully functional Porta John. No flushing necessary --- fully disposable.
Chao.

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El Tigre

2009-12-31T15:31:00.000-05:00

I don't even think I need to comment.

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2009-12-25T08:37:00.002-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS...how about some monks!

Countdown 7 Days

2009-12-05T13:05:00.003-05:00

Union City has a pharmacy with some character. You all know that I do not or will not promote the drinking of alcoholic beverages, however; this picture represents just how important it is to the beer drinking community of UC, TN. Two aisles, not one are dedicated to this age old past time. I do not know if they have 2 sections due to the economic weight that has taken its toll on the "FOOT" industry, and this caused the "FOOT" section to shrink or if the shear numerous options of brewery out number the options of doctor shoals foot powders and callus and corn pads. You be the judge. But, the most important thing is that we saw this through the pharmacy drive-thru. My real question is, can one purchase a six pack of brew, band aides, and Nasonex all from the same drive through window? I ask merely for my own enjoyment and possibly another blog installment.

Back to marathon training --- I'm about to run out of this door and do an easy 5 miles. 8 miles tomorrow, and then on to the light week before the storm exactly 7 days from now. Now that I think of it, if they have root beer at the pharmacy in Union City, after my legs lock down next Saturday, it would be quite convent to pull through, grab some Bengay and a six pack of IBC root beer.

Countdown 9 Days

2009-12-03T09:24:00.002-05:00

Don't ask me where the other days went. Wait, I'll tell you. I think they went into yesterday's 17.5 hr work day. Please dear friends, don't pity your humble narrator, it doesn't happen often. And, under the current economy and situations that are rapidly unfolding in the world, I am quite pleased to have a job, and come out unharmed one day later. Now, how does this affect one's marathon prep? I'm glad you asked, but first --- I will have the world know that I found a great steal on outdoor hiking/trail shoes. At Fred's Dollar Store, where things are far more than a dollar, but let's not take that out on Fred or the company's current CEO. Let's face it, they had to expand and Fred was dead(he is right?). Anyway, in haste, I proceeded yesterday under a very interesting circumstance to find myself at Fred's so that I might purchase the proper footwear for the day's adventure, only to find that the Dr. Martin sale they were promoting for $40 was not what I was looking for. After a brief bathroom panic, I found a pair of shoes that I would say are "como" any good pair that Teva, North Face, or even Keen have produced. Either they were waterproof or my foot was so soaked that he had gone numb. In either case worked fine because I still have all of those piggies operating just fine today. It is a $20 steal, and I suggest you check it out. And, yes for those of you with mammoth feet, I found a size 13! They even have a killer deal on Christmas trees. As for the marathon update, I need more sleep and more cafe. Chao.

Countdown 11 Days

2009-12-01T21:01:00.002-05:00

My legs feel like jello, and I probably need some advil. Do they sell Lee Press On Legs? It's a rough feeling when you feel your legs breaking down, and all you can do is look down and pray that they don't break in half. They kinda felt like they were on fire.

Countdown 12 Days

2009-11-30T23:27:00.002-05:00

Cannot say I am a fan of Coke. Call me silly, but there's just something about tar burning acid, hydrogenated oils and high frutose corn syrup that's makes me happy. But, after you run your heart out for 14.5 miles (5.5 miles short of the goal), you'll take anything you can get your hands on...I blew 1045 of hard earned calories on a gut wrenching jaunt on the ole treadmill. I could have just eaten a couple spoon fulls of mayo. Lard anyone? Has anyone ever inhaled crisco? I gotta sleep.

Countdown 12 Days

2009-11-29T16:34:00.002-05:00

I was told today by a kid who raced on one of the best college cycling programs in the US, "Marathons are the best things in the world if you can actually run them. You feel every emotion that you could possibly feel in the course of 26 miles." I agreed and for about 2 hours felt the motivation that was necessary to run the 20 miles that I should have run last night. Today after ramming my gut full of MSGs at good ole House of Taipai, I felt the need to make up the sleep I was shafted all this week (there was definately a 2 hr sleep night this past week). After a nap, I realize that I have to push this run to tomorrow after work. This run is looking less like training and more like a nagging cough. How does anyone run an ultra?

Countdown 13 days

2009-11-28T18:53:00.001-05:00

The marathon is getting near. I can just smell the discarded GU packs. I can envision the people scurrying for Porta Potties. I know the sign of someone who is faking a cramp because they are done...finished...tapping out. As I wait for my Five Guys burger and fries, it hits me that the next two weeks will require mega sleep and monk like diligence. Its time to channel the inner Zen, drink water, get my chi right, and breathe deeply. It's a call to be organic and think clarity...oh wait, they just called my number, they better have put Mayo and A1 on this thing -- I need a milk shake.

nice

2009-11-20T20:13:00.001-05:00

I wanted a shot out

2009-11-16T09:04:00.002-05:00

Sure, he had to hear me munching on doritoz late night. Yes, there was the time I forced him to walk 4 miles in the rain. I do vaguely remember a time in Judo class when I made him bleed. But, at the end of the rainbow, look who ended up a big time artist!

I might even make this short

2009-11-15T21:08:00.003-05:00

Rant #1: First I assumed that it would be rude of me to boulder at a cemetary. Upon this act of respect and overall creepiness, I paid 14 bucks to climb at one of Charlotte's two indoor spots(since there is really only one "indoor" spot, you can do the math). So, when you haven't climbed in a while, it's a bit pathetic. Your arms do the standard jelly, non-working manuever. You aim to look cool, but instead look like someone removed most of the major working muscles in your arm. That's ok ya know because there were a ton of kids around. But, since I chose to return to the bouldering area instead of top rope climb like the rest of the place, I put myself in the room with the elite folks. Ya know, the ones that stare at the wall for 30 mins moving their hands in the air in front of them like they are miming cats pawing at a scatching post. So while I was struggling at best trying not to look like a total waste of $14 in front of my wife, some chica comes out of no where with her "typical" climbing tank top and spandex pants that doubled as Class A Yoga, down by the water, half moon, Rodney Yee style knickers --- she says excuse me. This was not in the, can I get by, kind of excuse me...it was more of the "you are blocking the wall that I want to show off on" excuse me. So I moved to the side even after realizing that she intended to show me up, only to realize that she was slapping me on the other cheek that was already turned when she dragged MY drop mat into my feet, thus excusing me, and climbed up and down the wall.

Rant #2: Well, I won the war of leg pain on Saturday. As most of you know, mile 17 has always been a hard mile marker for me when it comes to running. But, as I raced past 17 without serious distress(let's be honest folks, anything after 1 mile hurts bad), I noticed that I have a new arch enemy, mile 20. So, this goes to you mile 20, it's 4 more weeks until the marathon, and something tells me that you better just go ahead and pass the torch of pain, regret, and agony off to one of my other friends, mile 26.2.

Rant #3: I officially endorse O'Reilly Auto Parts over Autozone. I find the prices to be about the same plus, I don't have to step one foot on HWY 115 to get there. Plus, I always support the Irish. You all know I appreciate things like Irish Resturants for their fantastic food. And who doesn't like a good bowl of lucky charms. We don't have one millimeter of Irish in this family, however; I will keep supporting Notre Dame when my wife is not looking, and the people who sit with their gold pots at the end of the rainbows.

Is it wrong?

2009-11-13T11:43:00.002-05:00

Is it wrong to go bouldering in a cemetary? I mean, some of the best rocks are lying dead(no pun intended) in the middle of tombstones. AHHHH --- What do you do? But, let me pause in the middle of this dilema to ponder something different ---

There appears to be great irony in an ironical situation or statement as you would assume. But, case in point would be an unnamed set of folks who talked to my wife and I just the other day. They told us that they hated when people wasted their time talking about random things that made no sense and had no baring on their original conversation. So, they like we all, engaged in long moments of "fake talk." I tell you that "fake talk" always leads to someone(most of the time YOU) getting roped into situations that you would have rather not. Take this moment to reflect back to the last time you were forced into that xmas party that you really didn't want to go to. When you think back of the invite, it started with them asking you to go, and you in your agreeable, happy mood quickly agreed, but assumed that your husband/wife had something planned that would get you out of the situation as to not make you seem like a jerk...you know the rest of the story. You spent the most boring 6 hours of your life laughing at jokes that are not funny on any level, you smiled so much that your checks were sore for a week, and you probably committed to more "outings" that you never would have been linked to had you just not "fake talked." So, back to the ironic situation, those folks speaking to my wife and I filled our ear with several minutes of idle chatter to fulfill the prophecy of irony, and told us a bunch stuff that had nothing to do with our meeting, and thus...followed through the with pure irony of the ironical situation.

Case in point --- this blog, you have sat through yet another ironic blurb meant to deter you from these type of ramblings, and you know what, you'll watch this sweet bouldering video, and why? Because you would rather do that then fake talk.
Chao

Vets, I Salute You!!!!

2009-11-11T17:31:00.004-05:00

Now, this is worth having a holiday. To all the folks who have and do sacrifice their lives for freedom, I say thank you. And, since I am on the video kick, I offer a clip from my favorite war movie from 1941 --- Thanks Gary Cooper.

I just coughed up my lunch

2009-11-07T19:02:00.001-05:00

Well, maybe marathons are not that hardcore after all. I need to raise up my game....

CrossFit Champions Oktoberfest Obliteration from CrossFit Champions on Vimeo.

el grabadora

2009-11-02T22:13:00.002-05:00

Because I need sleep more than the blog needs more words, I will leave you with a highly inspirational video of an ultra marathon. I think I teared up. Oh by the way, how about an American taking the men's NYC marathon. Not too bad!

Legs 0, BoJangles 1

2009-10-10T05:59:00.000-05:00

I hear that they used Bojangles to torture the weak. This stuff is like cocaine. If I had been a character on Miami Vice, I would have been the one they busted down for 2 kilos of BoRounds. Since I'm in the middle of training not to quit a marathon, you would think I would shy away from this type of consumption, but it's vacation you know. Can you get Bojangles stains out of pleather? Don't ask. Here's some advice, when you beep in the metal detector, and they tell you it's probably your keys...don't comment that it might be your gloc. Just a suggestion.
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Snap!

2009-10-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Your eyes don't deceive you. That leg is a goner. No sooner did I applaud this chair's ability to "hang in there" did I have to grab the counter and computer keyboard in a desperate attempt to stay upright when the Jericho chair came tumbling down. Now perhaps some might see my insistent pursuit to mend this old soldier as a sort of marching around the wall(please see Jericho wall biblical reference), but I see it as just putting a little oxygen tank in hand and continuing to roll along. I want you all to know that this in no way stopped me from sitting in the chair. It is now a tripod of sorts. Heck, that's how ttthe pppyramids wwwere ccconstructed(yes, on purpose), and they are still around. I wonder how the three legged dog feels about this experiment?

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Here's Another Hit Barry Bonds Part 2

2009-10-08T22:50:00.001-05:00

I bet all you skateboard kids are getting all pumped. You can just hear the curb being grinded down by shards of metal from skateboard trucks. You are even envisioning yourself pulling a nollie switchfoot to 50/50 on the bumper of an old crusty car. Yeah, I hear ya. But, you know what I see? It's an accident waiting to...that already happen. It wasn't even eight years ago that a scene very similar to this got ugly real fast. I believe K said, "show me how to do some tricks." We were young and both still on our parents' insurance so I thought, why not. An unassisted ollie(not my choice, you see K-Mizzle is a little bit on the independent side) led to a slip, fall, bad-a-bing bad-a-boom, and we've got ourselves a busted forehead(that sounded like a ham hitting the pavement) and a broken elbow. Thank you surgical staff of the Fort Knoxville Baptist Memorial Hospital for your fine stitch work. And to you, Mrs. Unnamed Nurse, who came to assist an older gentleman in a wheelchair on oxygen I believe, but somehow thought it a better idea to attend to a young girl with blood all over her and her young boyfriend with a bloody hand(from holding the shirt to her forehead --- but the mixing of the races did make this look like a "let me do all the talking" situation). Oh, and who could forget Knoxville's finest --- shot out to Rudy Bradley for telling me to be quiet and let the bloody girl with the broken elbow on the verge of passing out, do the talking. Advice to the wise and those who don't believe in free health care that I am paying for....wear knee pads and a helmet. OUT.
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I like the rainbow

2009-10-08T14:17:00.002-05:00

Well, you all know how I feel about Cadel. I have used names like: cry baby, paper champion, hypocrite. Today, I turn over a new leaf and stop being a hater. He's just flat out strong. But, the main reason I will cheer for him is that he's finally started attacking, and his kit is sweet. Now, maybe he'll pass this valuable information on to George Hincapie (YOU MUST ATTACK TO WIN).

Bum Leg

2009-10-08T12:30:00.000-05:00

You tell me that you've got problems, and I will tell you to have a conversation with my last of 4 dining room chairs that is slowly dying a little more everyday. We actually went to ikea and replaced the whole set only to find the newbies to be defective and hotter than a tin roof in africa during a drought. So the chair search is on, but in the meantime it means that this poor guy needs to either get some crutches or tap out.
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Verizon Network

2009-10-06T10:41:00.001-05:00

On a side note: Apparently, I am running for Huntersville congress or something.

The verizon network is dependable to say the least. Their commercials show the true picture of just how good the service is. Although here recently, I have realized that the network is also like a bad case of the chicken pox. You cannot shake them. I decided to take a vacation to West TN. As I drove further and further into the belly of absolutely no where, I could see members of the network hanging tight in Black SUVs behind me. No matter which exit I took, they were there. From time to time a few would fall back(due to coverage I suppose), and I saw a car pull over for a bathroom break in the woods - which explains the dropped call issue. So, picture me out on a wildlife protected natural watershed refuge enjoying sometime fishing, and guess who shows up in boats....THE VERIZON NETWORK! I thought this was the one place that I would be completely free from a phone call. While they were out water skiing, my phone started ringing...awesome! Thank you verizon network, however; you guys still don't have a trick to overcome the dead battery! YES!
Don't they have anything better to do?
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Bor keeps it real

2009-09-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

When I get home from work, I am first greeted by the cats, next the dogs, then BOR(first three letters of my last name backwards). BOR is the garden gnome that lives in the front yard. He has received a lot of criticism and slander over the past year, but hopefully this post will get him a little redemption. No, he is not related to that sell-out Travelocity gnome. He keeps it real. He's still smiling throughout the seasons. When it snowed over the tip of his hat, flooded the mulch under his feet, the wind slung him into the tree, the cats used him for target practice both for ninja class and waste disposal dry runs, not to mention the high heel to the face(yesterday), he always remains calm. His hat has lost some color, and because of the weathering, it was suggested that he move to the backyard. What would any self respecting garden gnome do in the back yard? I plan on replacing his current outfit when the day arises with something proper - orange and white, head to toe.

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Best 2 out of 3 for Mathias

2009-09-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

Normally vacation is decided by my wife. In years past, I have said. that I didn't care where we went, as long as, I was not at work. Due to a higher level of stress this year, I have a different outlook on my vacation. I cherish it like a small baby seal that is covered in oil and sand after a tanker mishap. So, all normal vacation suggestions have just gone right out of the window. So, we decided to do it biblical style --- cast lots aka drew out of a hat. Upon pulling the first one out it fell directly into my Saturday cup of joe, to which K and I both count automatic disqualification. I also refer to this as a "sure sign.". Too superstitious? I might as well be in Athens. The lot fell on K's choice. It was rigged.
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House Divided

2009-09-11T05:38:00.000-05:00

I am a Titans fan; my wife is a Steelers fan. If TN had a secondary, I might not be listening to her yell and scream about how good her team is. *Sigh* Here's some advise from a guy who only played junior high football(although I was second in the state in rushing...I have the VHS to prove it), when Big Benio pump fakes the ball 17 times in your direction, HE MIGHT JUST THROW YOUR WAY!
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Brother?

2009-09-09T21:24:00.001-05:00

Let me start this in my defense, I do not look like michael Jackson. I even tried to tilt my head and put on that "She's Bad" smile to match this issue of GQ, but still no match. I am merely doing this to silence my critics who always say that I look like Mike back in the day when he was harmonizing
"Say, say, say" with Paul Mc. And so what if the homeless dude who sat by CVS off Cumberland in Knoxville awoke from his afternoon nap to ask me for change and then yell,"OH WOW, IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!" I still believe it was staged. The facts are facts, my moon walk is too slow, I never had a jheri curl, although I can do the thriller dance better - I would have not worn a red jacket, and to top it off, I'd never have a zoo at my house. I don't like the random cats who come to my house now. Imagine the dead zebra I forgot to feed. So, in short:
- no we are not related
- I never wore white socks under dark pants more than once
- my high waters are because of my odd waist to inseem ratio, nothing else
- I would have advised Tito to die his hair blonde and join THE ROOTS to break out of my shadow.

Annie are you ok?
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Nike's New Man

2009-09-08T11:54:00.001-05:00

Tiger is yesterday's news. That red shirted winner is no longer the focus of the regular man's golf affection. But, pictured here in the pink, giving a lecture to those around him about the perfect swing is America's next top model, Fabi. Tiger vs Fabi. Now, you might not have seen him in the latest edition of GQ, however; he's a stud and the master of a tangling, circular conversation. The best part is, despite his twist and wiggle shake before hitting the ball, he normally hits it straight and long. And, why do you ask will all the golfing community flock to this new model of success? Well just ask him, and he'll tell you, he has to carry every teammate he's ever had, and he's none too scared to take a mulligan.
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what age stops the sippy cup?

2009-09-05T00:22:00.000-05:00

I am far from a kid expert. Shocked right? But, don't the folks at restaurants have an idea about ages and the type of cups they get? Take this young lady for instance. She obviously is still concentrating on trying not to drool all her fluids out and hold her head up. Once again, this comes from the guy who thought his nephew would be able to wrestle and throw the football around at 6 months. I still haven't learned much since today I referred to giving birth to a big baby by C-section as "highly painful" coming out. Did I miss the kid class 101? Anyways, before they walk but after they start crawling, you might be able to make them be a good little girl like this and sit in a chair, but there is no way they can grab a mug and drink a frosty OJ down. And guess what, putting a lid on it, won't make the blunder much better. They might as well brought out the "Operation" board game and had her try to take out the wishbone. At what age do they leave the house? That's the one I'm interested in.

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I'm back?

2009-09-04T15:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I cannot say that I'm for sure officially back. Ikm not shaving my legs or anything yet, however; this picture does prove that I was up beforee the cows getting some saddle time in before that dang cows woke up. But, word to the wise if you choose to follow my lead - school buses don't take kindly to cyclists! I think there still some yellow paint on my arm!
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Just Anotha Day in Da Jetto

2009-09-03T13:17:00.001-05:00

Some of my best advise to anyone was the day I told Phil Will to keep her head on a swivel when she was in a nasty knife fight. Things can escalate quickly. There you are minding your own business, and someone knocks your organic fruit snack out of your hand, and says, "oh sorry, I thought you were someone else." Well, regardless of who they thought you were, or think that you are, or even wish you were not...folks it's on. It's on like the time the 5th grader said your mom was fat when you were in the 3rd grade, and you decided to take it to his/her head (yes, I said her...she should not have said that, and I think it's worth breaking the "don't hit a girl" rule if someone makes a comment about your momma). So you pick up your fruit snack, pull the white glove out of your back pocket, and slap them across the face and declare a full state of "IT'SONNESS." Now, this could go on for 1 minute or 20 minutes depending on the stamina of all parties involved. I like the average of a 3 minute fight which seems like an eternity because no one ever includes the time it takes to stare your opponent down or the necessary trash talking. Anyways, if possible, I think you should take it to them star wars style(pictured here). That leaves a permanent mark and let's them know you mean bizness. Yes, I chose the ebonical spelling to show just how serious I am. Does anyone have any dental floss? I've got some tofu stuck in my teeth. It's hard in the Jetto(Jedi Getto).

Ready to Rock and Play

2009-09-02T06:38:00.001-05:00

Yep, your eyes are not failing you. This kid likes punk rock. And once the paper work goes through and I am officially named the godfather of Jacob(pictured here), I will work hard to get him skateboarding without assistance. Why would I want to get a happy kid's knees all banged up? Well, this one is going pro. He's got the look, the energy, and his aunt Kim taught him how to say "Peez" when he wants more Goldfish. I want to pre-order a kid like this. Ladies get in line; he already has a pair of Chuck Taylors.
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The End of the Road

2009-08-22T16:37:00.001-05:00

DRiego has left the building. So in some respects, Dustin Riego's stage left exit of UPS is a good thing; we will no longer be tortured by the super hot car rides to lunch. The picture provides full evidence to the "pre-driving procedure." Despite is "clear attention to detail," he still left us high and dry to work for the place we are all supporting with our Obama Bucks anyways. So in a sense Driego has out smarted us all. We applaud your hard work over the past 2 years, and we looking forward to footing the bill for your government job for the next unforeseen amount of years. Did you go over my helmet to get this job?

Two things that go together

2009-08-16T10:54:00.001-05:00

I don't have a lot of hair. This is not because my mid-life oldness, which has yet to come at age 30, is here, but rather because my wife prefers it short. Also, hammering a comb through an afro would be cumbersome, painful, and my UT cap wouldn't fit over it. This does in no way decrease the amount of shampoo I find absolutely necessay to cleanse my hair. However, since I am a guy, soap is soap(except when you get one of those green tea exfoliating bars with the raised bumps on it). So, when I entered the bathroom and found 2 new bottles of stuff on the shower shelf, I just grab and use. Who knows where the stuff comes from. I don't buy it- it's either the home products fairy or my wife. Otherwise, we'd have nothing but the 100 count of hotel bars in the house(cheap, yet clean). I did notice quickly that there was a bottle of conditioner which I don't have enough hair to bother with, and some body wash which I am a big fan of. So I broke out my sponge and applied the body wash(yes, I said sponge- I have moved on from the standard poof...and yes, I also have a subscription to GQ, the free cologone samples are sweet-- thus my never consistent manly smell). I have enjoed these products for several days. It wasn't until last Wednesday when my wife remarked that the new comditioner is great, but the shampoo is terrible that I remembered that most people buy conditioner with shampoo, not body wash. So when she complained about the "shampoo" that was making her hair greasy, I wondered if the conditioner was really conditioner or mayo! I am a guy remember, if it's on the shelf we use it. And yes, I told her that she made a boo boo.

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Stay Perfectly Still

2009-08-05T10:23:00.001-05:00

I would like to start this out by saying, "I am not making this up."

Every time I start a story off with that statement, most folks cross their arms, lean back and get. ready for another page of, "The Tales of Robinson." This one comes from page 35, under the heading "restroom time."
You see, there is this particular toilet at one of the facilities were I work that is just too ambitious. Its one of those auto toilets that flushes when the InfraRed light senses a change in conditions. Well, apparently this one is set to flush anytime an air molecule changes direction or even vibrates. This means that the "user" is subjected to a full jet stream of water. This not a problem if you have cleared the area or you enjoy the comforts of the French restroom amenities, but to be sprayed by a water cannon every time you exhale is an issue. It's just bad to come out of the bath room with the appearance that you just went surfing. I find myself holding it until the last minute to avoid the firehouse abrasion. I wonder how long I can get away with using the ladies restroom.
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15th Wonder of Raleigh

2009-08-04T12:45:00.001-05:00

I am still picking bits of chicken out of my teeth. Let me give you a word of warning. The MILD sauce is really hot. I went into a bit of shock, drooled, and had to be laid down on the floor with a cold compress because of the spicy, lava hot salsa. Why did you do me like this, Mr. All Natural Healthy Americano Resturante? I support your organic greeness, and this is how you repay me? At least for entertainment I got to watch James struggle to eat 2 burritos. The first was a "mild" one. After he dusted that off, he had to face the reality that his 2nd burrito actually had "HOT" pasted to the side. If you've never seen a grown man cry, let me tell you, it's quite the experience.

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#1

2009-08-01T16:35:00.001-05:00

One really good reason to have kids!
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Just another manic cafe

2009-08-01T10:09:00.001-05:00

My happiness lies in a good cup of cafe. My last couple of out of country adventures landed me this sweet new cafe making device. Alex Holden, get yourself one of these. I had a little excursion in ole Winston Salem, NC last night. My sister-in-law put it best, "Winston's a weird mix: Yuppie Rich kids from Wake, Skinny Jean'd Art Kids, Low Income housing, and Old Money Cigarette families" all conviently slammed into a city with despite its terrain has a radius time distance of 10 mins. With that kind of diversity at your disposal, why not kick your feet up at the local gelato dealer and enjoy some cafe. By the way, my dogs after many years just realized that sleep with my door open. I got a face to face greeting this morning.
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What's expired mean?

2009-06-29T21:28:00.001-05:00

Got a hankering for a snickers? Sometimes even the most organic eaters need a little caramel and peanutty goodness. This is especially necessary when you are hanging out in the Super Americado in downtown Atenas Costa Rica. But, pay attention to more than the HFCS and hydrogenated oils folks. When we are in the middle of baseball season, should you really still see snacks advertising the Super Bowl? Talk about shelf life.
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Super Heroes need three naps a day

2009-05-25T11:30:00.003-05:00

Out cold. I don't think Andrew even flinched at the popurazzi style photo shoot that ensued when he zombied over to the front row and lost his little mind. Its this kind of freedom that I think should be extended to adults. What if I want to clear off the random reports and things that require signatures, coffee, Bobbie heads, and bag of chips to sleep on my desk. What is acceptable? I think 5/10 mins is not worth my time. But when will it be cool to just lower the head and pass out during a nice long boring conference call? "Julian, what are your plans going forward to correct this problem?...Julian? Hello? Is he asleep again?" Awesome. If I could muster up a snore, that would seal the deal. Conference calls are meant to either bore or embarrass. You can take a moment to digest that. Anyways, before a big decision about workplace naps is decided, its probably be best to get some folks together on a conference call and make a decision, but first I will need a quick 5 minute nap.

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Hearts Me

2009-05-25T11:14:00.001-05:00

I personally think I am Mr. Kids. My wife recently told me that I have no patient with the little rug rats. I am evaluating her advice in a attempt to be more kid friendly. But, since I thought three square beatings a day was the norm, I guess asking for proper behavior from the under 9 year old age group may be asking for too much. I have noticed that my wife, who seems to rule kids with a cast iron fist, seems to get more, "I love you Miss Kim's" than I can count. So in search of my first ever unforced verbal show of affection from a little kid, I decided to bring the warm cuddliness to their front door. Guess were that got me? Well, a big smile, and an I love you bathed in ebarrassment from this little one. Now the experts tell me that she very well may hate me tomorrow so I should take it when I can. Julian - 1, Kids - 35, I am slowly narrowing the gap.

kobe vs lebron part 2

2009-05-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

Nike,

Please keep it going!

don't trust them

2009-05-21T07:29:00.002-05:00

Even though the police are here for our safety, this is exactly why I don't trust any of them. That's my opinion, however; the driver of this vehicle thought his injuries were from being thrown from the vehicle not being beaten by officers afterward.

kobe vs lebron

2009-05-17T16:12:00.003-05:00

absolutely hilarious

This is my tribute to the playoffs.

Superheroes Die II: Superheroes Sleep

2009-05-11T21:33:00.001-05:00

Here comes shocking fact #2: Superheroes take naps and sometimes straight up pass out. Normally this can be liked to being over worked - too much flying, overuse of xray vision, jumpers knee from leaping tall buildings, or something like that. However this came from the absense of the afternoon nap and the lack of body control. Both of these are linked to being very young. Superheroes have to start somewhere, and pullups and long naps is as good a place as any.
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PneverX day 13

2009-05-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

You have seen the TV commercials about the exercise program that will change you life - P90X. Folks it will do more than change you, it will make you want to find the person who created the push up and hang him with an exercise band from a pull up bar. This stuff is modern day experimental torture. The sad thing is that I actually paid for it, $$$$ and then for the next hour while that highly annoying host told me how fit he was --- hey buddy, that's obvious! He's a 45 year old guy squating rep after rep while I hit the pause button to catch my breath and hydrate --- er - cry . At Day 13, I am proud to say that I have not become a bulky animal, and I have not named my pecks. The question is, at what point can you quit and still be a man? You know when you really feel like a man is when you eat a lot. Take this massive meal served up in Nashville, TN. Afterwards, I puked 7 times before I could get into the car. That is an exaggeration; however, it would have taken nothing away from the story. Real mean don't lift weights unless there is a chicken wing attached.
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If you are serious about your JAVA

2009-05-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

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Bad Economy Part 2

2009-05-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

Leave it to me to remind you of our economic delusions. Are we coming out of this? Will twinkies ever be traded as a valued commodity? That is likely. But even in this harsh times, I have been finding great solace in my morning cup of coffee. I know I previously quit and after some consideration found that the best way to kick the habit and subside any nagging setbacks was to think the situation over with a nice cup of joe. It was only moments late that I realized that I just tried my gullible self into a 4th cup. So now the morning cup is finding itself only second place to the morning refill, which is just playing the Bride's maid to the afternoon cup. Mind you, this does not even shake a stick at the night espresso. So what am I telling you? Kidneys like coffee not water. You see, Apparently the coffee has my brain fooled.aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Seriously?

2009-04-25T19:54:00.001-05:00

I think there are a couple instances where an out of control illegal park like this one are warranted.

1. Perhaps you just made it home from a day long shopping trip to every single mall and grocery store in Charlotte with you girlfriend who you are trying to impress with your rugged durability and impressive ability to say, "ooohhh that's the best one for sure," to everything she has tried on that day. So when you dropped her off and barely made it back to your block and were forced to hit the emergency break and skid into your spot, miami vice style --- it is ok.
2. You suddenly realize that you left the house without DVRing the Office.
3. Aliens abducted you and they dropped you ride ever so slightly out of the sky after checking you our for 3 days and 3 nights while your mother-in-law happened to be in town. Those Aliens are uncanny with their timing.

Otherwise, let's face it; you are lazy and a bad parallel parker. This is not only uncalled for but matches and beats the time I crammed. My 1988 Cutless Sierra Special Edition Oldsmobile into a parallel spot reserved for a golf cart. I call it the "bump bump" method. Knoxville, TN's finest were not impressed.
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Belated Earthday

2009-04-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

I was too busy burning garbage in the rusty oil drum beside my house yesterday to enjoy all the earth day fun. You know how it is. Is it any surprise that all the green planet hippies got all amped up and chained themselves to trees just a few days later to celebrated the cloudiest holiday of the year, 4/20. What a week for the hippies. Only if Bob Marley could see us now. You know I'm only kidding. I love keeping it green compost piling, recycling, yogaing, getting my nooma on. That's great and everything. But can someone please tell please tell the hippies that it's mean to the planet when you don't take a bath. Yep, I said it. You are scared to bring it up, but many a small animal have retreated in fear from a smoked out, smelly person. That's not OF THE EARTH to smell like vomit. I've never know anyone to be all natural because the smelled like a 20 day old armpit minus the old spice cover up scent. I feel more comfortable in a kiddie pool filled with Tink's # 5 special deer scent, FOX URINE. I love my hippies for all their hemp and sweet clothing, but I don't need to be the one to tell you to hit those pits with a couple of swipes of right guard. Oh, and yes, my vegan wife is hugging a tree.
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Superheros Die

2009-04-20T19:19:00.001-05:00

Nothing is funnier than watching Super heroes die. I figure no true Super hero lives forever. Did you ever imagine what 90 year old Superman looks like? He probably did less flying towards the end because of his battle with gout and besides the fact that flying with a walker is a bit cumbersome. What is Wonder Woman with gray hair and a nagging bad hip? Wolverine with old dull nubbie claws? Can I get an Amen? Anyways, Andrew(pictured here) is pretending to be a dead Super hero with the uncanny ability to make a mean face and wiggle his legs. It's tough when it happens to the young ones.
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Babies?

2009-04-15T21:33:00.001-05:00

You have to ask yourself, is this the hand that could hold a baby? I think I've been hearing all the pressure to reproduce a lot here lately. I discussed this long and hard today with my baby consultant, Mr. MAIN, aka, Mr. Australia. We seem to share the same views. Kids just might make us grumpy old men. I decided long ago(before I found out that you don't get to choose the sex of your child) that I'd take a girl. But today after some in depth consulting, I realized that a girl just means that I will have to take the life of several teenage boys in cold blood --- and like it. It's either that or pray for an ugly kid. Who does that? Who prays that their kid come out resembling an ardvark? Sure that helps pest control, but in general it's mean and expensive. Think about all the visits to the head doctor! We all know about I hate spending money. So let's just go back to my original question, does this look like the hand of a baby holder? Answer: no, that hand is occupied playing the Wii.

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You can tear down a house, but the TP stays

2009-04-15T12:26:00.001-05:00

You can demo an old building, but you cannot keep down a good roll of Charmin.

2009-04-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

Is it safe to help my dogs with their backed up bowl issues? The vet does this 1-2-3 cleansing technique that they charge me $40 to perform. I think you good folks are catching on. Sure it's sick, but I am cheap. Plus, no one criticizes the local farmer when they aid a cow giving birth to a bunch of little cows. We call him/her a hero and pat them on the back. What about the brave average person who takes it upon them self to free a dog from the infamous buttrun?
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madness

2009-03-18T12:47:00.002-05:00

I'm not saying I like the pics I've made. I just call'em how I see them.

driving illegal

2009-03-07T23:00:00.002-05:00

If I stopped an average person on the street and said, "excuse me miss, do you know when your driver's license will expire?" Do you know what she'd say? Well, since I've already tested this theory and know the answer, I will save you from answering incorrectly and being embarrassed. The answer is "nope." Actually the answer is, "No, and who are you --- some sorta psycho?" But, I don't think you need the details of that conversation. It's a shame how bent out of shape people get when you reach for their purse and ask to see their driver's license. Weird...anyways.

So I was on my way to Nashville for work. In the airport, the kind gentleman from the TSA who checks your valid photo ID and also is the backup custodian for terminal B looked at my ID and told me that it was expired. I gasped, and told him he was wrong. Then I realized that was a bad move, so I attempted to compliment him on his "good catch." That made me realize that I was eluding to the fact that I had been "caught" as if to say I knew and was trying to slip through. Folks, check your IDs! Who knew it was time? The DMV said they sent me notification. I said they didn't. They said that they didn't care what I thought because they have more power than the mafia, and if I want to be legal, I have to go to one of the most hated places in the world. Did I mention that no valid ID means you also cannot rent a car? Yah, not cool.

So, long story long, Friday after having my hand slapped on my way back to Charlotte in the aiport, I went to the DMV. I received my ticket that told me the order I would be served. Good ole number 208.

They were currently serving 192.

won't stick

2009-01-22T12:40:00.003-05:00

What I am about to say won't stick to me if you put crazy glue on it. So don't try. Seriously, my skin is sensitive to that stuff. This next statement is so out of my character that I have decided to have an out of body experience and watch myself say what I am about to say. *drum roll* I think I am no longer terrified to have kids. Now, my wife initially took this as me saying that I am ready. Easy everyone. Easy. I said that I am no longer, sick at the stomach when I hear that Kim might be pregnant. I didn't say I was ready to be survived by a small village of Julian's. In fact, what would the world be like with 5 more Julian's in the world? I think there would be just five more children:

- addicted to coffee

- hard core fans of mike & ikes

- who view scientology as a good excuse to come back as a leprechaun.

Anyways, what do I know about kids? Until a few weeks ago I thought that jaundice was a jelly bean flavor. However, I now realize that it's an excuse for me to call into work. "Sorry, won't be able to make it in today, my jaundice is really acting up. Heck, I'm all orange and everything." And, if my kid was having diaper rash, I'd just assume he/she was chaffing, throw some nutter butter on it and call it a day. Constant crying means, someone's mad. And you know how I deal with mad people, I go to the other room. I hear that's not a good idea when a kid is sitting in a puddle of wetness. While we are on that topic, let's discuss. If you've peed yourself, let's not get all mad and yell at me. You peed yourself. Don't play the helpless roll. The only way you'll learn to use those hands is to start trying. Make a fist, and get it together. And, what's up with this child-proofing? My wife already Julian-proofed the house. I think that's good enough. There are not any cycling magazines in areas where we would sit and "talk." There are generally not sugary fun drinks in our fridge, and mike & ikes are forbidden(except on holidays). We have almost 100% converted to glass everything. I think this is because I try to microwave every container. And all of those should go in the dishwasher in my opinion.

Back to the kids. Everyone is terrified that a kid will put his or her finger in a socket. NOPE, fingers are too fat. NEXT? Oh, they will put a GI JOE gun, or a Barbie comb in one...NOPE, look people, kids cannot even put a square block in a square hole. When do you think they will get a hand steady enough to play Operation and guide something into that hole. Heck, I couldn't do it. But, Julian what about paper clips? What about them? I cannot find one when I need it. So, if you are gonna tell me that my kid is going to jab one in there, I will probably thank him/her for finding them. We've been looking for a while. Now for those of you who think that I'm cruel, cold, insensitive, or out of touch with the kid world. I'm only the latter. I only have dogs. Cut me some slack. I said I wanted kids; I never said I was an expert. My wife has also commented that she'd like to be taller, but we have yet to invest in a pair of stilts.

right to bear arms

2008-12-29T08:34:00.005-05:00

There is more irony in the following blurp than I can actually include. But as far as I'm concerned, any story involving a rabbit & a shotgun has a good ending(You know I'm from Tennessee, and this should come as no surprise. My accent sounds like I just got off an aluminum fishing boat with Bill Dance)

I am forced to retract my early rash statement about the killers, my 2 little cats. I previously said that they fake it and actually don't "kill" anything. They just pickup on the misfortune of mice that have frozen to death or birds that ran into the glass. My wife awoke me this morning in a bit of panic, "Julian, please wake up, one of the cats is killing a rabbit outside, and the rabbit is not dead." My immediate reaction is --- fantastic, these cats are finally becoming contributors to the house. Heck, there are 4 frozen rabbits in the freezer. However, for peace in the family, I took the higher road(note, not the high road. we were already on that one). I put on my shoes and went outside to find 2 cats who had cornered a rabbit who had a pretty nasty bloody wound on the hind quarters. Apparently he had been involved in some sort of altercation. My guess would be a nasty knife fight. You have to keep your head on a swivel. Those things get out of control pretty fast.

Immediately, I did what a man should do. I walked in the house on a mission. It's almost like an odd midst of "can'thearyourwife-itis" comes over every man who knows that he's about to be able to shoot his gun. I think Kim was saying things like, "let's take him to the vet," "this is terrible," "I cannot believe those cats would do this," and "do you think he'll just die on his on?" Now, I had answers for all of these questions. I will quote a popular song from everyone my age's high school years, "I've got a problem solver and his name is revolver." Except in my case sub in "410 bolt action" for "revolver," and we have a top 40 hit. Kim actually seemed ok with me sending the bunny on to another land after she broke down a few times. I went to the secret hiding place for shotgun shells and was on my way back into the house when we noticed that there was a wrench in our plan. (update: by this point the cats had drug the mangled rabbit to a new place in the drive way while he tried to run away. even from my point of view, this was sad)

There was a member of Huntersville's Polica squad sitting down the road from my house trying to take down all the folks who left for work late this morning. You all know that I only really like British Policia, but I decided that I'd go down and have a word. So imagine you are an officer of the law, playing solitaire on your laptop waiting for lunch, and you see a 6'0" male with hospital pants and a sweatshirt sprinting down the road towards you with bright orange GO ROCKY TOP crocks on. What's your reaction? I think he finished his last hand of solitaire and then without rolling the window down heard my case. I told him that I needed discharge a firearm inside the city limits(although we are actually only 300 ft from the sign). He suggested a shovel. I told him that was not my kinda thing. He asked if it was going to die, and I told him "yes" with "assistance." He was enjoying the jokes and good times, so he said as long as I could do it quickly to have a go. I ran back, loaded up, scared the cats off, apologized to the now aptly named "Mr. Bad Day Bunny" out of respected, and said goodbye. Since, I'm on vacation, I got to come inside and enjoy an espresso after my morning kill.

Remember kids, you buy cats to kill things. Don't be upset when they drag something undesirable into your front yard. They are just doing their job. The cool thing is when they slip up, I show them how's it's done. The cop did stop by later to ask, "How things went." I love America.

restrooms on mile 12

2008-12-18T14:24:00.005-05:00

marathons...i wish there was some honest person out there to write an article about marathons that would let the folks running them know what they were truly getting into. allow me to give you the run down really fast.

8am - start time. you're on the line with more folks that are out of your league than you can even imagine. most of them will be done, home, and asleep before you even cross the line. your sweet new shiny shoes, and running shorts are clear signs that you are the rookie who in about 2 hrs will be the guy hugging a light pole faking like you are stretching out.

8:30am - at this point you realize that this was probably a really bad idea. your thighs and calves are burning a lot more than usual. you realize that you started out way too fast. the excitement was high, lots of people were passing you, and you know that you still have @ LEAST 3+ hrs left

9am - the ipod is blaring the new Coldplay which is not really the best running music. you have to use the bathroom, and you're freezing because you spilled water all over yourself at the last water stop.

10am - what happened to 9:30am? who knows. you are pretty sure it got lost when you jumped the median ran past the porta potties IN USE, and posted up on a row of trees. your restless bladder is not the only one in the bunch. when you look around there are some 20+ guys gasping with relief.

11am - you realize that the winner of the race finished about 40 mins ago. you also realize that your knee hurts, and neither GU nor poweraide are appealing. the music has gotten better on the ipod, and the woman who was running beside you convinced you are that you are not running all the slowly. also, you now feel like a champ considering all the people who passed you were part of the half marathon crowd.

12am - that knee thing got nasty. you just peed in a bush beside some business with little shame, and your face looks like you've been slapped around by a Turkish monk. you were hoping that you'd only have about 15 minutes left in this race, however; the truth is that since your left leg is nearly worthless, you are just shuffling your feet

1am - done(well a little before this...but when you walk 9 miles, your wooden legs don't care what the clock says --- you survived)

and, after all that, you decide that you'll get revenge on the marathon and do it again.

the clock has always blinked

2008-11-28T23:02:00.005-05:00

My wife is pretty clever. She picked up a phrase "us" folks in the south like to use. "God Bless" are the best 2 words to describe and attempt to bless some poor innocent soul who needs a pair of mental training wheels to keep going. Heck, forget the training wheels, give them one of those motorized scooters. While you're at it, why don't you just put them in a wagon and pull'em.

So, for all you single guys, I don't want this to push you away from the young lady pictured in the reindeer attire. She's as comical as she is an expert on national weather disasters(see TV behind her). Meet PhilWill, aka, PWHotDogs. You can break that name apart however you like, but I'd like to keep it all together, and when you marry her, you can break it apart however you like. But, in the following true life conversation, I would like to highlight some of the classic phrases used by PhilWill. Will you enjoy yourself? Sure. Will you hump over in laughter? Possibly. Will you spew your Cherry coke all over your brand new wife beater? Absolutely. Enjoy this interview.

JR: Phil, where should we eat? What's your favorite meal?

PWHD: I don't have one. I just like Ham & Cheese.

JR: Like a Ham & Cheese Sandwich?

PWHD: No, like I like Ham, and I like Cheese. Keep them separate. I love a good piece of Ham, and then over here, I like a good piece of Cheese.

JR: So, I get this straight, you like plain Ham and then plain Cheese? They don't do that at restaurants.

PWHD: Well, I like Ham with mashed potatoes, and then the other stuff.

JR: Wait, I thought you liked them by themselves and separate?

PWHD: Right!
JR: What am I right about? That makes no sense!
PWHD: What? I like Cheese

JR: That has nothing to do with it. So in this meal, does Cheese ever get mixed in? Is it on the side?

PWHD: Errr...no. I just like Cheese. Not in the potatoes.

------------------------------------

JR: why don't you set your dvd player clock?

PWHD: oh, it doesn't work, i mean, it works, but it's always blinked.

JR: have you ever watched a dvd on it?

PWHD: yes. i just don't remember when or even what movie i watched

JR: was it expensive?

PWHD: no, yes, no...not really...i don't even think it plays CDs. some do, but this doesn't.

JR: well, why did you unplug it?

PWHD: i didn't. never have. the clock has just always blinked

JR: (fixes clock, inserts CD, it plays)

PWHD: holy dvd player! i didn't know it worked. I unplugged it when I unplugged that lamp, which i plugged in behind that table, when the plug in under the rug had to be used to plug the vacuum in, when i unplugged the coffee grinder spilled grinds all into the plug on the counter.

JR: I thought you never unplugged it?

PWHD: i didn't

JR: You need to keep up with stuff better. i think you're growing old

PWHD: whatever, you probably have a BlueBerry(yes folks, this should have been BlackBerry)

JR: (buckles over in painful laughter with KoolK)

----------------------------------------------

PWHD: i think i'd be pretty handy in a knife fight.

JR: do you keep your head on a swivel?

PWHD: my head?

JR: do you watch your back?

PWHD: huh? that's so incomformatious.

JR: that is not a word.

PWHD: yes it is, it's a synonym for superflapbapulous

JR: Phil, you are making this stuff up.

PWHD: no, i'm not. I am the reading teacher for the richest school in the USA, you are being inperitewitritional, and acting vertigraticalouslylyly.

JR: I am definately going to call you out on that one.

United Memphis of America

2008-11-26T15:18:00.003-05:00

long time friend and accomplice howell evans, aka, "gevans" proposes what could be the most ground breaking idea we've seen. at least, it's worth thinking about. and, i promise if you've had an espresso, this will be almost like when all those folks from woodstock ate plants and started seeing elephants. PC enough? Allow me to pickup where our conversation took off. I will skip our normal back and forth about how basic Tim Duncan is, or about how Texas Tech is weak, or about how much Howell would like to burn down both UofF and UofA campuses with one match. Let's get to the good stuff:

me: what's your address? i'll googlemap you

X42threatX: xxxx Bla bla Place South Memphis TN xxxx(sorry folks, I have to protect the slightly innocent)

me: wow, that's barely in memphis...you ain't getting shot at

X42threatX: it's always memphis you could be in nashville, and some crazy person here will find you

me: LOL so you're saying that the memphis city limits starts anywhere and everywhere

"CLICK CLICK"

X42threatX: correct sir

me: so, technically, i could get into a heated argument in my office parking lot, and in a matter of seconds, memphis comes to my front door

X42threatX: this is correct sir. it's more a state of mind then a city

me: it can actually be said that memphis is more like a state, THE STATE of the united states...almost like, the United Memphis of America. scary but true this sounds like a John Legend song.

So, there you have it. Pythagorean turned on its head. Gevans just unlocked the mystery of the universe. Memphis, TN is so dangerous that any time you see or feel violence, it is not even technically happening to you in your city, the memphis city limits have come out and met you right in your face. Don't be surprised if the next time your kid smarts off at you, they say, "sorry mom, I didn't want to say that, but the memphis in me came out again!"

oh oh a mouse

2008-11-26T14:54:00.002-05:00

my cat, miss whitesocksmcgee, is a killer. She bagged a bird and brought him headless to our doorstep. This morning, she out did herself with a mouse. Although, I feel as though we should throw a flag on the mouse play because it was a little baby mouse who looks like he just froze to death and my cat brought it trying to fake a kill. I didn't see a bit of blood --- I'm not impressed with a fake kill. That's weak. Oh, and PITA, don't even bother picking up the phone because I'm not picking it up.

phone ejection

2008-11-16T02:25:00.003-05:00

my wife has apparently had a fight with her phone --- a real duel, if you will. if you won't then stop reading, you are going to be the blog buzz kill.
anyways, i could not get the whole story yet, since i'm in memphis, aka, "THE M TOWN," however; it sounds like the phone has won the first two rounds. The 2 vegas santioned judges score the first two rounds 10-8 in favor of the phone.

we will continue our marathon talk. today i went far into the pain cave. 19 miles in there, and let me tell you, that's not a happy place. i think that's also the same place i keep the memory of kim sticking a lead pencil into one of my open wounds, or the time i got my finger slammed in a fire engine car door. yeah, not the place i'd like to take up full-time residency, but a few more weeks will do. how much can one man chaffe? oh, interesting question...the answer is: until blood runs down his leg. enter the pain cave. now, will this cause burning and irritation in the shower? we are stepping into the pain cave kitchen. how about after i've been sitting in the car 2 hrs to go watch alabama stomp down mississippi state with my father, and i get out of the car, and that same irritated area, which has pussed for the last 2.5 hrs, gets ripped away from from my jeans? you got it, open up the pain cave closet, and come on in, stay a while and put your coat on the hanger. why? why, the fun times you ask...because i do it for the kids...all those poor unfortunate kids who decided to sit on the couch and veg out playing their new playstation 3 consoles, and eating up mommies favorite chips, and snacks.

That's right Paula. I feel your pain --- except I was not as cool as you. I just ran over to a tree with a golf course on one side, and passing cars on the other. I picked between 100 year old men riding in golf carts and the memphis metropolis. Sorry Mr. Edwards and Mr. Green. Hopefully next week, the green on number 5 will use the artificial irrigation.

MARATHON 2

2008-11-06T15:18:00.002-05:00

okay, this could be me - day after the marathon. Going for 15 miles tonight.

ELECTION'S DUN

2008-11-06T07:51:00.003-05:00

whew. i was up to my armpits in old spice and bad election commercials. i know many of you are highly political and will get all offended, so i will just say that we have a new president, so start supporting him.

now, that's behind us, let's start concentrating on the real stuff. clay and i are in serious last minute training for this charlotte marathon. thank you angie mccurry for giving me another good reason to buy some bright shinny running shoes and quite possibly have my lefts wilt and crumble under the load of my skeleton frame. schedule? who needs a schedule. we are ad-hoc training as hard as we possibly can. tapering? recovering? huh? i'm sorry, I couldn't hear you because the treadmill's running. that's right. there's sweat on the keyboard. i actually have the sound of a guy running and panting on my ipod and i play it while i'm at work, while i run in place under my desk. it's pain all day everyday baby. i'm talking red alert, defcom 5 here. we've put in less miles than a newborn at this point. we've not sown but expect to reap a good finish come game day. i just found a couple of days ago that this thing is 26 miles. that's okay. it's only 20 more miles than i was planning on running. so who cares what all the experts say, we'll see you when it counts, Lord willing...game day - Dec 13th. Meet me at the start line with your finger on your stop watch, because 4 hrs later rain or shine --- i will be laying on the ground either in victory or right outside of the huntersville ER. it's game time chump.

CHIPS AHOY!

2008-11-04T18:40:00.004-05:00

I used to enjoy them. we all did right. the chocolate would melt in your mouth. that beautiful slightly crunchy cookie that we all knew was genetically engineered. ahhhhh.

Now, on this day my superstar nephew, Camden Barber has been born. Some will refer to him as Mr. November. Others will call him, "HEY YOU, GET DOWN OFF THE TABLE WITH ICE SKATES ON, I WORK TOO HARD TO WATCH YOU SCRATCH UP THIS TABLE. WE BOUGHT THAT FROM INDIA. YOU KNOW SON, THE INDIA TRIP WHEN YOUR DAD GOT BIT BY THAT 34 FT JAVA RAPTOR SNAKE. THE ONE THAT 4 YEARS PREVIOUS HAD EATEN THE COUPLE FROM EAST GERMANY THAT BOTH HAD BEARDS. YES, YES, THE WOMAN HAD A TERRIBLE HORMONE ISSUE THAT CAUSED LARGE WHITE FLUFFY HAIR TO GROWN JUST ON HER CHEEKS. IT WAS REALLY A ROUGH THING FOR HER BECAUSE IT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO BRAID, AND YES...IT WAS BRAIDED WHEN THE SNAKE ATE THEM. THAT'S WHY THE SNAKE HAD THAT ONE LAZY EYE. SO GET OFF THE TABLE WITH THOSE ICE SKATES ON, OR ELSE I WILL MANGLE YOUR STICKY FINGERS WHICH HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN IN THE CAKE I BAKED FOR YOUR TWICE BITTEN FATHER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. YES, TWICE BITTEN BECAUSE BESIDES THE SNAKE IN INDIA, THE PARROT WE USED TO HAVE CHARLIE BIT HIM THE SECOND DAY WE HAD HIM. NO, YOU DON'T REMEMBER, BUT CHARLIE BIT HIM BECAUSE YOUR DAD IN AN ACT OF PURE HUNGER ATE ONE OF HIS SUNFLOWER SEEDS BECAUSE I WORKED LATE AND HAD NOT MADE DINNER. AND, WHY DID I WORK LATE? I HAD TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB TO PAY FOR THE TABLE YOU ARE CURRENTLY SCRATCHING TO PIECES. SO GET OFF THE TABLE AND STOP COSTING THIS FAMILY SO MUCH MONEY"

yep, I can see it now. or, i could be wrong about some of that. i'm not sure. i don't have kids. i just go on mission trips and get eaten half-alive by ants. yes, it happened, and i have the scars to prove it.

voting makes me tired

2008-10-16T06:09:00.002-05:00

Did you really think I would do some 9 page blog about politics - blog to incite riots and get people all reved up and angry heading into the polls. Do you think I have the inside track on one of the candidates? Do I look like a politician? Please, no more Obama comments here. I look like a man who can really air guitar. That's where my true talent lies.

Since the last post:

- I have sucesfully failed horribly on the master cleanse some 1.5 days after starting it (Please check with KimRobinsonCleanseCalculations INC for days approximation)

- I have decided which presidential candidate(s) to not vote for

- I missed a dentist appointment

- mowed the yard

- decided to run a marathon, yes a marathon --- let's pause here:

Marathon running is not for the weak of heart or legs. It is painful, and rewarding --- painfully rewarding. What is the reward you ask? Well, while you are bent over at mile 20 gasping for any oxygen the atmosphere will allow you that you have not already attempted to get into your now 1 functioning lung after the other collapsed at mile 6, and Tina, the marathon volunteer, who is at this moment regretting even signing up for this thing because she had tickets to the New Kids on the Block reunion tour, but skipped it because Tammy, her cousin by marriage convinced her that this was a great way to motivate both of them to "get back into" working out, although we all know that going to the tanning bed and wearing workout gear does not mean that you actually work out, and that Jane Fonda Kickboxing VHS(BETA mind you) that has been collecting dust on top of the VCR for 12 years now is just a front, is hardly going to jump start much except an excuse to eat 3 bags of fries at Five Guys after the race because the shear thought of watching people work out makes Tammy hungry....anyways, so at this point Tina is holding an ice pack on the back of your neck, lying to you better than your 10th grade girlfriend did when she said, "it's not you, it's just me" 4 minutes before the breakup, and 10 mins after she got in Tim Willouski's 2002 convertible geo metro sport --- you know, the one with the racing stripe, and while Tina tells you that you are almost there, which in itself is one of the phrases she was taught to use to anyone with a pulse who looks light headed and needed a good pick-me-up on her list of "THINGS TO SAY IF THE MARATHONER LOOKS LIKE DEATH" checklist, and you know in your heart, that your heart itself is half asleep in there because let's face it...it knew, and you knew that there's no way you could complete 26 miles of torture, heck you get winded vacuuming. So where's the reward? Where is the pat on the back? Will you get a key to the city? Does this somehow give you the leg up on the 5K'ers who all with smiling facing crossed the finish line giggling about how this was "so great" and how they are "gonna definitely do it again next year, girl?" Of course it does not. The only thing this gives you is clearance to go straight to McDonald's and eat 2 big macs with extra mystery sauce, drink an upsized beverage of choice, and watch the rest of matlock while you sink into your sugar induced coma. You see, working out is for everyone!

Elfland's Finest

2008-09-04T18:39:00.004-05:00

So this is why everyone buys those fancy GPS things. I sound like a really old man facing technology head on fighting it with both old wrinkly hands, while favoring the hand with that 1904 grade school conference championship ring on the pinky. Well, that's not completely true. The truth you ask? Read John 18:37-38 ah, yes so why do I need a GPS? Well, I guess it's because having Eric look up directions to the UPS center in Durham on our company intranet isn't all that accurate. I don't know if the IT guys were just having a good laugh, but their idea to put the directions, and google map to a similar road name in Elfland as the road that the UPS center resides in Durham --- was just not cool. so 2.5 hrs after leaving my home, I end up on a couple of random side roads, and 2 corn fields later, Eric and I are pulled over looking up the directions on Mappoint. Now, in most places in the world when you do this, no one messes with you, however; the good gun-toating brothers of Alamance county like to protect and serve with 2 sheriffs per vehicle. Hey, let's just keep the country safe from corporate, button-down wearing, youngsters in a Honda civic with Yakima bike racks on top. Please please, let's make sure they don't do any damage to the cows, chickens, and various other farm animals in nearby vegetation. They are probably out here for CM or something. Whatever...long story long...guns unclipped, nervous and shakey, they approached the car, probed us heavily, and then proceeded to tell us that we were not in Durham. Well, if my surroundings did not give it away, the brown-blonde handlebar mustache of these eager deputies definitely let me know who was in control. We were instructed to leave, get to Durham, and next time to completely pull the car out of the road. As we were told, there are big trucks around there. One of them might run right over us. That was absolutely true --- why it wasn't 5 minutes previous to these words of wisdom the time warner cable Ford Ranger rolled by us. Whew, this goes to you finger on the trigger, cow lick, smile big, and spit dip juice sheriff's department of .....

random meet on the side of the road (meat)

2008-07-31T22:57:00.003-05:00

i've got insomnia. i say it like people get "the gout" or something. what is gout? doesn't that have to do with protein, iron, cholesterol or something? man, it all got confusing quickly. who started this conversation? this week has been all about working more than i should. you know when you work so many hrs that the kid bagging your groceries makes more per hour than you do? except the sad part is that i bag our groceries. self check out...i never get to be the person scanning. kim goes straight for that job because it's the cool one. plus, you can slip random groceries in...like Doritos. back to my recent disease. i cannot go to bed if i want to. i mean, could you look away from infomercials about nose clippers that don't use a blade, or how about the pads that you put on your feet and either suck the embedded aliens out of you, or they pull deadly toxins from your system, that otherwise would have surely killed you...or if not, they would make you get a nasty cause of insomnia. and yes, i know it melts your heart, but i'm a big ole kid magnet. they get in my arms and sleep....mostly because i stink.

what is this wierd fruit? Go ahead and try it!

2008-07-22T13:27:00.004-05:00

we all know i will eat whatever...whenever...and yes, i ate a whole lotta strange and random food off the side of the road...in panama...it cost less, it taste better, and it promotes positive bowel action. coke? me? yes...yes i did. and, i'll do it again. but ladies, are you captivated by leo's distant, toyota futbol jersey -- up for 20 hrs without a nap -- sporting a new hair cut glare? i thought so.

this hotel is not the best

2008-07-08T16:05:00.007-05:00

love my asheville, not big on my asheville hotels...

just go ahead and book early. that is advice i always like to give everyone. since i am a business traveler, i tend to build up a bit of confidence in my ability to sweet talk the real nasty folks at the counter into letting me get a room. now this has landed me in some pretty precarious spots, like -- the infamous handicap hotel closet room, the bloodstained mattress room, and the yes someone got shot her a few days ago room. 2 of the 3 were Ashvegas establishments. anyways, i got myself put into a not-so-upgraded hampton tonight because i did not book in advance. sweet. it has all the amenities, like a compaq presario 2K desktop out front. it is complete with a modem! how awesome (yes, the 2K does stand for the year 2000, and it was purchased...no doubt in 1999 - we're gonna party like it's...)

oh well, the grass is always greener on the other side and as long as i don't itch too much, i'll be quite well later on this fine week. panama is a'comin.

did i mention this year's tour de france is coming off quite splendidly. i'm a bit impressed so far, but did anyone see the clip of Maggie B saying that he just warms up easy doing 600+ watts for a minute??? WTHeck!

is this what lazy looks like?

2008-07-05T10:45:00.002-05:00

I have not taken a vacation from work yet. who needs one? gas prices are so dang nasty that companies are tossing profits out of the door. you get your company as lean as possible, then comes the grim reaper of corporations known as mr. rightsizing. you may know him as mr. downsizing, however; he was renamed to be more politically correct. all you fundamentalists might try to argue the difference between the 2, but all of you are sitting in the corner office lighting cigars with dollar bills so keep your democratic opinions to yourself. since moving i have done very little of nothing in the way of working out. i basically retired from the world of cycling and really only have to ride about 2 more races this year to fulfill any obligations to the team i ride for. but, i realize that i really do like the sport. when valverde charged to the line and overtook mr. kim of columbia-highroad today in the 1st stage of the 2008 TDF, i was up yelling and screaming in amazement and happiness as the spanish national champion scored another win of his awesome career. did that sound like someone who's a big fan? fan? yes, i am...rider, i do not think so. i think i'm a bit burned out on getting beat in races and training like a madman, or else not being able to train very much but showing up to races and getting my teeth kicked in, or just a combination of all or none of the above. so where does that leave me on a saturday afternoon with lots of house projects, a BMC ready to ride, and a pair of running shoes needed to see some action as well? i'll probably drink a couple more sips of coffee, read the bible, and try to decide which is funnier -- 1) the way my wife KO'd 6 straight opponents on Nintendo Wii Boxing yesterday, and now she battles to even lift her arms do to severe soreness and middle back pain OR 2) the fact that i'm a raging athleteaholic sitting stationary bummed out because my motivation got crushed because i don't like to loose. FELIZ DIA!

mon-thurs

2008-06-06T08:43:00.003-05:00

I think employeers should just take Friday out of the mix. no matter how you slice it, it is a worthless day. i am staring at tons of crap i need to do today. how much of it will i do. well, i will blog, get coffee, check my email, get more coffee, make lunch plans, confirm lunch plans, go to the vending machine(sorry kim), take a walk around the building, send emails to myself so that i know have some to read that i can handle right away without doing any real work, then fight about why we have changed lunch plans. every friday should be officially wild wing cafe day. you should eat the buffet of wings nonstop. although there appears to be a battle over wild wings cafe or buffalo wild wings or pile'em up bobs. pile'em up bob's breaks every rule known to man. they give you a plate loaded down with whatever you want for like 6 bucks. i'm not kidding you. how many of you can eat 8 pork chops? that's what you get. either way, i see in my crystal ball, a 4pm leave time and a full stomach. you see, what was the use of coming to work.

PICTURE: it's not fair for Oscar to race in US events. Did we forget what he's capable of? He's a TDF stop 20 guy. I bet he takes Philly on Sunday.

time management

2008-06-05T15:31:00.003-05:00

who has time these days? when you say that you don't have time, you urged by all the time management books that you don't have time because you have not made time. interesting, that does seem to break the law of thermal dynamics, but we'll go with it. as i sit and read a book on time management, wondering how i will mystically create time out of nowhere to have a spot to do the things that i cannot get done because i am wasting time reading a book on managing my time, i realize that it's time to stop reading and go to bed. well, heck...by going to bed late because i spent time i did not have, but was learning how to create, while burning the time that i had scheduled for sleep, i put myself behind the 8 ball in the morning when i realize that i got very little sleep...upon waking up late, i have decreased the amount of time, so now i have NO Time...wait, i guess i should just create it with my magic time wand, oh...i don't have to do that because the time management book taught me how right...the one that i wasted time reading...so then i get to work...and get my self prepared for a Manager Leadership School by doing online learning assessments...one of which is...YOU GUESSED IT, a time management module, but while i tried to rush through it to create time, i realized that i was missing the point, so I opened up a couple of emails and multi tasked, as to not waste anymore time in my day on time management ideas. look how much time you wasted reading this...

Pictured: yes, yes...it's those radiohead boys. i got to see a concert just a little while ago...look at Tom in the back...sneaky fellow.

not safe

2008-06-03T15:13:00.002-05:00

geez, it's just not safe to get on your bike these days...guess i'll turn into a driver who hates bikers instead...that seems safer.

green - i wouldn't swim in it

2008-05-26T20:28:00.004-05:00

anyone have a pool that you want to saw down the side with a steak knife. yes, i want to go slow and make sure it's half dull. sure, it's gonna cause me a lot of work, and sweat, but in the end when the murkey waters of the green lagoon come sliming out onto my backyard...i'm definately going to give a few tiger woods fist pumps. yes, i'm talking about an above ground pool...aka...money pit. yes, i know in an earlier addition, i said that we would in fact be wading it up and throwing in into a giant recycling bin. But, we also said that we'd never own anymore cats, however; "White SoxMcGee" and "Cat #2" live on our porch. I think we hired them contract style to kill mice, but I'd contend that they basically are just going to eat a bunch of food, get fat, and retire early. dang democracy. anyways, so yes...the pool is staying, but since M. Main broke the pool, wait, it's back to life, wait, it's broken..thanks Tarek...nope it's...yep...*GASP* it's working again. in the meantime, all the pump breakdowns has allowed for a lot of nasty green, blackish, fungus stuff to grow in nicely. the pool is like a big slushy of nasty slime. if i was like a big giant, i'd step into my backyard and take a big drink of the green machine smoothie...but, i'm not a giant, and you need to get your head on straight. this is a mess. what am i going to do? well aside having to go hand to hand combat with the creature from the black lagoon(what a left hook that guy's got), I'm about to put the ole chlorine shock on this bad boy and call it a day. All i have to say is RIP greenmachine. (the picture is a pack of my favorite cough drops...apparently, it is someone else's too. please people, don't steal!)

Is Nigel there?

2008-05-06T12:09:00.003-05:00

Blogs are like dedication songs. You know like when you were in high school, and you sent the dedication song over the radio to your girlfriend. Or, you might have sent it to that chic that you wanted to be your girlfriend, but you were stuck with a girl that was nuts that you couldn’t get rid of? Don’t look at me like that. All of you dated some crazy freak who tried to get you to marry them in 9th grade, but you wormed out by the hair of your teeth(really bad phrase), and you are here today only because you were able to shake Ole Crazy. Well, anyways, back to dedications…wait, no for a second, the above scenario was not about me, eh…a friend of mine. I dedicate this blog to Nigel. Why? Well, because he’s just tough as nails. I avoid situations that require me to suffer(which is exactly why I like riding dead in the middle of the race instead of at the front). Nigel likes to suffer. If you say, “Hey, Nigel…you have a choice between eating a ham and cheese or spikes, nails, and rusty saw blades pizza, Nigel will pick the pizza, then go ride 4 hours on flat tires because that will improve his balance. This past weekend he participated in a 24hr Run. Why you ask? Well, for one because he’s smart. His wife asked, and he said yes. That is good enough for me. But, still better yet because he invites pain in the door with a smile on his face. Did I mention that Nigel is not a runner? He’s a cyclist. This means that his body went through some serious pain and agony because of the bone impact that it never experiences. Want more? He also did 15 miles. For those of you who pant after you get up and grab the remote only to go sit back down and eat Cheetos, let me explain that 15miles is a very long way, and more than half of a marathon. Get you some of that. It would have been easy if he suffered it all at once, but he broke it up into smaller 5 mile chunks…while his muscles and body got a chance to swell up and curse him before his 2am second leg. So what do we say to the man, who lead me out perfectly for the best finish I had all season last year, for the man who’s favorite recovery drink is chocolate milk, for the guy whose daughter has the intellectual capacity of a 35 year old accountant? We don’t ask anything; we just grab his wheel when he pulls through.

put a fork in me, dig deep

2008-05-05T08:00:00.003-05:00

i slept with red vines last night. i mean, i slept with Kim primarily, but RED VINES were on the floor beside the bed. oh boy, they are my new favorite thing to munch. i blazed through so many, but i find that the bag hangs around a while. who would have thought that tons of sugar could make a bad cyclist feel so good. at the end of the day, i conclude that all you need is a) the bible b) someone to watch your back c) someone who knows CPR d) 1/4 cup of olive oil e) coffee f) a time machine g) crocks h) RED VINES

you see, the list is still short now that I have added what is probably a very needed...oh wait, i forgot DORITOZ on this list. Speaking of, K did not get me any yesterday at the grocery. It looks like I'm gonna have to pay ole Mr. Teeter a visit.

You know, in general, women prefer that they hit the grocery alone. this is only because we like the things that are not on their list. I general take 2 different approaches to throw K off. If I stay near the cart, I do the old, "hey look over there...FREE TOFU!" stunt. When she looks over, BOOM, i throw a couple of Fuse in the cart...this works the first couple of times, then you have to get clever...grab some pez in one hand, then initiate a hug with the other hand, as the arms meet on the other side...PLOP...into the cart they go. My other tactic is to go look for one thing and get lost, meet up at the check out with about 15 more items...a bag of ginger spears, fruity pebbles(she will reject these...too much High Frutose Corn Syrup), organic strawberry milk, AMY'S FROZEN PIZZA PIZZA, ohh, what about that tasty crest kids toothpaste. I mean, I don't try to buy it, but it sure it good. I think they have like some orange flavored for the grownups, but pasting a ton of sugar on your teeth cannot be that healthy anyways. But, all in all, K keeps me healthy so I cannot complain. if it were up to me, i probably would not have any teeth, and my kidneys would hate me, oh oh, and there's still my heart which would be coated in fat from eating pork chops every night, along with all the free radicals which would be ready to riot into cancer from all the HFCS that I would try to slide under the mat.

BTW, I am semi-retired from cycling. After 2 days getting blow apart in races, I decided that I'll just train for a while before I ever pin another number on my back. I'm not going to give anymore donations to USA Cyling until I'm sitting 3rd wheel with one lap to go.

good morning...ps - radiohead invades charlotte in just 4 days!!!!

good old fashion funny

2008-04-25T07:13:00.003-05:00

it's not too often that you get to do a good old skool prank on someone. well, this morning, in true bad-jokes-corporate fashion young trainee Randal Baker is going to get about 900 swishy toys dumped into his face when Jerry asks him for a random folder that is located in the cabinet. Why would we do such a thing(although I really was not involved but am quite jealous that I missed the chance)? Well, the young man in the picture(see before on previous blogs), stock trader and bearish investor, M. MAIN used to sit at this cube. When reassigned, his spot was taken while he was at the bathroom...so this is pay back. Hey, you folks know me, I don't believe in taking revenge, that's God's parking space...but this is classic. Funny even. I just had a thought though...what if Randal reads this blog before we ask him for the "folder." Ah, anyways, life is life you know. I have not had any coffee this morning, so I'm a little edgy. We are in the process of moving out of our house. In fact, last night I spent some time packing and kept finding things that I thought I'd thrown away years ago...a picture of my 3rd grade girlfriend with an inscription on the back that said, "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!" Now, you may laugh, but I'm not even sure I had a girlfriend in 3rd grade. I mean, I had a tremendous crush on Kerri Halford as I remember, but I lived in North West TN, and interracial anything was going to get somebody shot. In fact, people didn't like you mixing peanut butter and jelly...as it might give the kids the wrong idea. But anyways, what was love in 3rd grade? That basically meant that she would give me like her extra roll at lunch, and during recess, I was forced to come up to her at least once and ask her how she was doing before returning to my heavily intense game of "Smear the Deer." Yes...it was later named "Deer" after the teachers declared that "Queer" was not exactly politically correct. There's no telling what the name was before minorities got in the school. Kerri ended up getting married to a great buddy, Todd after college. They both live happily now with no kids, but I think she's a nurse, and he's a doctor. Oh yes, so that I don't forget and break the 24hr rule, I didn't find that picture...it was for a good joke, however; I did find a really nice wedding album that we haven't put any pictures in 4 years after the fact and a lot of MIX tapes.

you call this racin? Mission: Peeing

2008-04-18T13:53:00.003-05:00

I would like to report that I have 10 wins this season, however; nothing could be further from the truth. Don't worry, I'm positive...positive that at this point, I'm just racing for fun. I'm not competing with anyone except the other losers who are training about 5 hrs a week. Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for Tom Boonen, who had his dang hands lifted in the air as he got smoked at the line by Markie C. Just look at Big Tom's face. Because I'm not used to going across the line in first place, I have plenty of advice for those who attempt to throw their hands in the air...don't do it. I guess you were expecting more there. BUT, as usual, i would like to direct your attention to the last episode of the office. He was great of course and was topped off by yet another Dwight quote, "It's purely carnal." On the subject that my wife tries to dodge. Male urine placement. Why is it that all guys prefer to pee everywhere except the toilet? I cannot answer that question. I'm known for peeing behind her truck bumper or even behind the garbage can. That is perfect cover. However, recently we have purchased a house out in the country, so I now it's right off the back porch. This is awesome. I'm going to rate this blog a 2.5 on a 5.0 scale. I've been up since 1:30am...I love the smell of bacon in the morning...sue me.

Funny, she doesn't look Drewish

2008-04-04T22:00:00.002-05:00

boy, it's been ages. you know you always say that to old friends, however; i think you have to officially be over 60 years old for the statement to apply. 45 years qualifies as an "age." but, yes, readers it has been ages....since Michael Main and i made any money in the market, since i crossed the finish line with my hands over my hand for more than letting my underarms vent, and ages, yes, ages since a decent presidential candidate ran for office. don't start that, "what about Bush junk, and i won't tolerate any Obama/Clinton junk either. Hogwash. i think it's been ages since i used that word. wait, i'm not old enough. anyways, we are knee deep in an attempt to sell our house. and by that, i mean that we've already been through the phase where we are so excited about it that we hardly sleep on the bed that we intend to make up and press down the sheets of only 7 hrs after our heads hit the pillow in pure excitement(that's 5 hrs for kim because she's a little more excitable than me, and she requires narcotics to get some shut eye), and now we've resigned only 4 weeks later, that this place just might not sell, however; after dropping $800 bucks on inspections, my cheap-o-meter has gone off and now i'm not pleased. it's only money right? yeah right. no one with any money ever said that. when was the last time donald trump dropped a couple of hundreds out of his pocket when he was digging for an Altoids and said, ah...it's only money, no where are those dang mints. nope, it never happened. you know why, because he'd actually never carry cash. this brings me to my next point. everyone needs to stop carrying cash. having it on you make you spend it, and when i see you with it, i'll ask you to buy me some pez. yes, pez...the highly sugary fun snack, or candy that is dispensed out of the toy-candy shooter. of course my preference in the 2001 Batman. But, who can ever forget the Micky Mouse that looks chilling like the Immortals from the movie, "300." Now, that is a good movie, and for the sake of this movie discussion, which I just started even though you didn't ask...it ranks right up there with "A Clockwork Orange." And, on that note, "As an unmuddied lake, Fred. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, Fred." - Alex, A Clockwork Orange

OIL!

2008-03-06T13:03:00.003-05:00

are you watching the market? remember last year around this time we were all in tears trying to pick our teeth up off the floor after the housing/sub prime market knocked them out. well you better dig deep into your daddy warbucks and invest heavy into commodities or the declining dollar. how about that oil market?

don't ask me what to invest in. talk to mike main. i'll tell you what not to invest in. stay away from pork bellies. and why isn't narcotics a sector. oh ya, we all hate to admit it, but there's a lotta drug money out there. i mean, if you cannot get your 14 year old off the dope, you can at least make money off the industry to later pay for his rehab. was that out of line? well excuse me. i already pay taxes so 3/4 of your kids can go to school, and guess what? I don't even have kids. i'm paying for your kids to go to school, fake sick, cheat on test, try to date...they aren't even old enough to date, punch eat other, fail out, and steal lunch from the cafeteria, and you want to talk to me about what's appropriate. can someone call george bush and ask him where my check is? hey, where is my economy jumpstart cash. you know, they give you money hoping you will blow it on contact. let's face it, most of you have already blown it. the fed will drop the interest rate then give you money. they might as well have unlocked all the pharmacies and given 3 billion crack heads a bus pass. I mean, who wants to invest their money when the interest rate is below the inflation rate. is that enough gibberish? well, i'm not done yet. can someone, anyone please explain to the world that organic means good and non-organic means death. i heard someone's father accuse organic OJ the cause of their son being sick. are you nuts? organic just means minus all the junk that the health and food administration likes to put in our food to make it fast to produce and cheap to sell. since when has the government ever did anything nice? oh wait, they send your kids to school with my tax money. anyways, don't give me that line, "well, we all have to die sometime." oh geez, what a cop out. tell you what, just go latch your mouth around a tail pipe and inhale then while i rev up this 1973 caprice classic...i mean why not go out on a high note. i leave you with this last bit of advice. buy pez. yep, the simple tasty candy. and, don't eat it out of the wrapper, put it in the dispenser. because that's just a good time. chao

3 mins to go

2008-02-27T05:57:00.003-05:00

quickly ---

1) who would dare hop on this blog and give me a weak comment like the last one?
2) yes, i was sick. i had the flu, i didn't feel like getting out of bed, and when i did, i walked over to the toilet and sat down. i like the smell of bacon in the morning, sue me.
3) yes MY university of TN Vols beat the Memphis kitty cats
4) yes MY university of TN Vols lost one to a buncha nerds at vandy. they were obviously tired, and I don't care. Go VOLS.
5) anyone wanting to buy a house, sell a house, get ready for a wedding, get a new bike built, go to work, and clean the house for selling all in the same week while still working 12am till 12pm the following day 2 of the 7 days of the week...should be advised that it is not a good move.

Black Thursday

2008-01-16T08:13:00.000-05:00

"sometimes, I just don't know why I even get out of bed." that is a now infamous quote by a friend, RM. but today, might be the day to use it. a terrible tragedy occurred this morning around 7:11 am. it has rocked the community and puzzled so many. i am still in shock and what i saw and heard. these kinds of events shape, mold, and maintain history. but, they also make us tremble and shake. i ignored my wife's warning to me last night, "maybe you should use a box.." i hate to use the over-used phrase, "women are always right." however, in this dark moment, i must say that she was right. i was only 4 sets of cubicles from my office, when i saw and heard a member of our family take a terrible spill. micheal scott, aka, the world's best boss...slipped out of my laptop bag, and onto the floor. they say 1 out of 4 bobble heads never make it to their final destination, and 2 out of 15 bobble heads don't make it to the office. anyways, the BH is now in ICU on my desk awaiting some crazy glue. it's moments like these when you just try to remember the good times, and not take for granted phrases from the past. In memory, I have listed some of my favorite quotes from MS...RIP(unless I find some crazy glue to fix him).

That's what she said.
It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.
You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.
I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Awesome Blosom, extra awesome.
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
Ok. Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent? Explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it...

There are so many more...but who can really just name one?

(That's what she said)

weekend observations

2008-01-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

so you've come here for guidance, and i will give it to you:

women typically pick the wrong guy, and guys always hit the jackpot

women normally stick around if the guy shows even the tiny bit of love or concern

the COLTS lose when the team plays like oscar the grouch's sister Sara. COME ONE COLTS! Peyton Manning put the ball right on the hands of the recievers, and down the stretch all they did was fumble. Yes, you are going to get hit when you catch the ball. It's the playoffs! CATCH THE BALL! oh well, go patriots.

college kids get to train around 6 hrs a day. i do great if i can get in 1.5 hrs on the bike. no wonder they take it to me in the races so often. i'd be ashamed if i was in college and got beat in any race against a 29 year old slave to the office desk like myself.

my dog is fat. getting fatter and louder.

coffee is good. i'm not quitting, and i'm not drinking decaf...however, i will drink more water

i want to divorce the trainer. i've ridden way too many miles on that thing and now i want to throw it off the deck of my house.

i would like to take this moment to name my stomach - MONEY PIT

does anyone know when the season 1 of MAN vs WILD comes out?

no one email me about the previous question, i just found it on AMAZON

i am hungry, surprised?

i spent around 2 hours in the dentist chair on thursday. however, i didn't feel a thing, nor did i realize that time had past...why, you ask? well, because i had the opportunity to iPOD out to some episodes of the office. sweet!

the best meal out there just might be Uncle Ben's rice, sugar, & butter. it has absolutely no nutritional value, and might actually be harmful, but it's good, and my brothas in asia eat rice all the time and most of them are somewhere around 800 years old. plus, who makes the best ninjas? ah, that's right...the folks from asia. think about it. how many great ninjas do you know home grown in Montana. Corn & Livermash will not make you a lethal weapon.

NINJA WEBSITES

i just do healthy

2008-01-07T23:52:00.000-05:00

ever since i was in spain, this blogging platform is permanently set to spanish. now, that would be great if i was all fluent and what not, but i'm just not. i'm pretty good at tennessean, but that's pretty much where my skills die out. oh well. it's a new year. which means that i'm going back to healthiness again. yeah, all organic, staying hydrated, no girl scout cookies(after the ones i just ordered), no iHOP, more base miles in the legs, less 14 hr days at work, better groomed toe-nails, more sleep, less fast food..in fact - NO fast food, better bike position, more yoga, less complaining, more hugging, less running, more email - yes MORE than 2007, more soydream, more pictures, more haircuts, more spandex, less frat jokes, more bible time, more drop kicks, more babysitting, more mission trips, less airplane turbulence, more hand washing, more salads, fewer dishes in the sink, more poo jokes, more magazines, more out loud singing, more taking my dogs out in my boxers, more poo pickup bags, more SEC NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, and more mini sized bananas...why? because if you die, you won't be all that pleased with yourself for chomping down through a whole banana when we all know that you give up on those things half way through...you just keep going because you don't want to waste it. but it's good not to waste, i just think we should go with smaller portions in 2008. Happier, Fitter, More Productive, Like a Cat, Tied to a Stick, on Antibiotics....

home alone

2007-12-30T22:25:00.000-05:00

you are guy. your wife is out of town. it's just you, Bowl Games, random sweets in the cabinet, your bike, and the dogs. by any bit of reasoning, this is very dangerous. this is probably just as lethal as putting flame thrower in the hands of a pyro-maniac. so what did i do? well, i flexed my testosterone by eating beef, while lifting weights while watching MAN vs. WILD, with a copy of Men's Health open at my side. Oh yea...and then I got on the couch and attempted to 'stay up late.' that resulted in me falling asleep and out-snoring the pugs while the M vs. W marathon continued. Day #2 - I slept nice and late, woke up to ride my bike but first, i had to do MAN stuff like emptying the dishwasher, and cleaning off the countertops, and washing clothes. That's right...nothing stops a man from just being a man. to top things off, i went ahead and made an omlet with strawberry jam smeared over some smelt bread with soy butter. after 3 hrs of riding on the training(turbo-for my european brothas), minus the 1 hour which i told myself i'd ride later, i settled in for some bowl game watching, and general laziness. oh wait, the dogs!!! WHOOPS!!!! so yeah, i took them out, and fed them...all somewhere mixed in there, but who can really remember...they were asleep most of the time. i think the fact that there were a huge pile of dog toys piled up at the bottom of the couch could mean that i had neglected the kids and they just gave up. i think at one point one of them actually used the toliet because they didn't think i'd actually take them out. they are smarter than you think. oh ya, next time i have to tell ya about my ebay addiction. it happens to me once a year. i try to ebay everything in the house....underware, salt shakers, the crowns off my teeth, 2 nutcrackers, fishsticks...oh yes, i'm also trying to ebay all bikes that have not been ridden within the past year. that's fair i think...but then again, i also think that the dogs can pee in the toliet...

CAPTION: 2001 FRANKFURT GERMANY

http://www.cycling.tv/ good hard racing...ghent wevelgem 07 highlights

back to bizness

2007-12-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

where have all the blogs gone? i dunno. I been spending a lot of time watching cyclocross on the internet (http://www.crosstube.net/). I don't mean that i've been watching it at work, no no. I spend my time at work sitting on conference calls and looking up quotes from, "The Office." why did i ever get hooked on that show? it's xmas time. i've been singing more of those merry holiday songs this year only to realize that i don't really know the words. "There was blitzer and comet and prancer and dixon, cupid, and donnie, and marla and benson..." I sing that song 9 different times, and get 81 different combinations. apparently the reindeer named "marla" is a bit of a sore topic at the north pole. she apparently made the cut back in the 50's, but injuried herself in sled practice and filed a couple of class action law suits against the north pole. i hear the charges ranged from hoof forgery to extortion. what a bad rap for the north pole. anyways, i did find that my new favorite no where town is Lancaster, South Carolina. it is firmly located dead in the center of the "nowhere important at all" region, and has no latitude or longitude measurements (hugh and naw). the most alarming discover so far is that they apparently price their dunkin dognuts coffee around 20 cents apart in price, but the size is oh so different. lesson learned.