won't stick

What I am about to say won't stick to me if you put crazy glue on it. So don't try. Seriously, my skin is sensitive to that stuff. This next statement is so out of my character that I have decided to have an out of body experience and watch myself say what I am about to say. *drum roll* I think I am no longer terrified to have kids. Now, my wife initially took this as me saying that I am ready. Easy everyone. Easy. I said that I am no longer, sick at the stomach when I hear that Kim might be pregnant. I didn't say I was ready to be survived by a small village of Julian's. In fact, what would the world be like with 5 more Julian's in the world? I think there would be just five more children:

- addicted to coffee

- hard core fans of mike & ikes

- who view scientology as a good excuse to come back as a leprechaun.

Anyways, what do I know about kids? Until a few weeks ago I thought that jaundice was a jelly bean flavor. However, I now realize that it's an excuse for me to call into work. "Sorry, won't be able to make it in today, my jaundice is really acting up. Heck, I'm all orange and everything." And, if my kid was having diaper rash, I'd just assume he/she was chaffing, throw some nutter butter on it and call it a day. Constant crying means, someone's mad. And you know how I deal with mad people, I go to the other room. I hear that's not a good idea when a kid is sitting in a puddle of wetness. While we are on that topic, let's discuss. If you've peed yourself, let's not get all mad and yell at me. You peed yourself. Don't play the helpless roll. The only way you'll learn to use those hands is to start trying. Make a fist, and get it together. And, what's up with this child-proofing? My wife already Julian-proofed the house. I think that's good enough. There are not any cycling magazines in areas where we would sit and "talk." There are generally not sugary fun drinks in our fridge, and mike & ikes are forbidden(except on holidays). We have almost 100% converted to glass everything. I think this is because I try to microwave every container. And all of those should go in the dishwasher in my opinion.

Back to the kids. Everyone is terrified that a kid will put his or her finger in a socket. NOPE, fingers are too fat. NEXT? Oh, they will put a GI JOE gun, or a Barbie comb in one...NOPE, look people, kids cannot even put a square block in a square hole. When do you think they will get a hand steady enough to play Operation and guide something into that hole. Heck, I couldn't do it. But, Julian what about paper clips? What about them? I cannot find one when I need it. So, if you are gonna tell me that my kid is going to jab one in there, I will probably thank him/her for finding them. We've been looking for a while. Now for those of you who think that I'm cruel, cold, insensitive, or out of touch with the kid world. I'm only the latter. I only have dogs. Cut me some slack. I said I wanted kids; I never said I was an expert. My wife has also commented that she'd like to be taller, but we have yet to invest in a pair of stilts.