home alone

you are guy. your wife is out of town. it's just you, Bowl Games, random sweets in the cabinet, your bike, and the dogs. by any bit of reasoning, this is very dangerous. this is probably just as lethal as putting flame thrower in the hands of a pyro-maniac. so what did i do? well, i flexed my testosterone by eating beef, while lifting weights while watching MAN vs. WILD, with a copy of Men's Health open at my side. Oh yea...and then I got on the couch and attempted to 'stay up late.' that resulted in me falling asleep and out-snoring the pugs while the M vs. W marathon continued. Day #2 - I slept nice and late, woke up to ride my bike but first, i had to do MAN stuff like emptying the dishwasher, and cleaning off the countertops, and washing clothes. That's right...nothing stops a man from just being a man. to top things off, i went ahead and made an omlet with strawberry jam smeared over some smelt bread with soy butter. after 3 hrs of riding on the training(turbo-for my european brothas), minus the 1 hour which i told myself i'd ride later, i settled in for some bowl game watching, and general laziness. oh wait, the dogs!!! WHOOPS!!!! so yeah, i took them out, and fed them...all somewhere mixed in there, but who can really remember...they were asleep most of the time. i think the fact that there were a huge pile of dog toys piled up at the bottom of the couch could mean that i had neglected the kids and they just gave up. i think at one point one of them actually used the toliet because they didn't think i'd actually take them out. they are smarter than you think. oh ya, next time i have to tell ya about my ebay addiction. it happens to me once a year. i try to ebay everything in the house....underware, salt shakers, the crowns off my teeth, 2 nutcrackers, fishsticks...oh yes, i'm also trying to ebay all bikes that have not been ridden within the past year. that's fair i think...but then again, i also think that the dogs can pee in the toliet...

CAPTION: 2001 FRANKFURT GERMANY

http://www.cycling.tv/ good hard racing...ghent wevelgem 07 highlights

back to bizness

where have all the blogs gone? i dunno. I been spending a lot of time watching cyclocross on the internet (http://www.crosstube.net/). I don't mean that i've been watching it at work, no no. I spend my time at work sitting on conference calls and looking up quotes from, "The Office." why did i ever get hooked on that show? it's xmas time. i've been singing more of those merry holiday songs this year only to realize that i don't really know the words. "There was blitzer and comet and prancer and dixon, cupid, and donnie, and marla and benson..." I sing that song 9 different times, and get 81 different combinations. apparently the reindeer named "marla" is a bit of a sore topic at the north pole. she apparently made the cut back in the 50's, but injuried herself in sled practice and filed a couple of class action law suits against the north pole. i hear the charges ranged from hoof forgery to extortion. what a bad rap for the north pole. anyways, i did find that my new favorite no where town is Lancaster, South Carolina. it is firmly located dead in the center of the "nowhere important at all" region, and has no latitude or longitude measurements (hugh and naw). the most alarming discover so far is that they apparently price their dunkin dognuts coffee around 20 cents apart in price, but the size is oh so different. lesson learned.

WorkQuil

I'm so tired that I have one eye permanently closed. I'm just using the one today. The bad part is, I think it's my bad one. Figures. I'm a zombie. I poured coffee into my ear because I figure it will get to my brain faster. Also, We've eaten nearly a pack of orbitz in the last 2 minutes. A driver left them in here last night as an excuse to come back in here today to visit Eric. The ladies like him. The thing is, since I'm this tired now, I cannot wait to drive 3 hrs home. That's when I put it on cruise control and just try not to hit the ditch. Godcontrol...not cruise control. Anyways, yes I did return home from vacation and have been doing the work thing for about 2 weeks now. I have come to the conclusion that work is just what you do so that you can go on vacation. Some of you thought that my breakup with Starbucks was just one of those one-time shot things...Like I got in a fight with SB, and made threats that I would not back up. I think this pictures clears the whole matter up. Done deal baby. I still fight the temptation. In fact, I fought back the desire to buy some in Ingles just last night. We all have demons to tame...mine just happens to be a looming desire to drink highly over priced, dirt-tasting coffee. Ladies, it's like when you date the loser guy who you know is going no where, and you're pretty sure that he's cheating on you, and yes...you've physically seen him do drugs, but you tried to ignore it, and most of the time when you call him, he's on the other line with his "mother." It's so hot in this office right now, that I can feel the sweat running down my legs inside my slacks. It does not help that Eric is playing Nickelback unplugged featuring Daughtry with special guest appearance from Celine Dion with background vocals by Whitney Houston, White Snake's drummer is on percusion or whomever...or is that whoever? For a complete and thorough explanation of when to use whoever and whomever...refer to this. Hey, if you're still reading and did not click on that link...go back and do it now...Sign of the day, "absolutely no ice cream eating."

Barcelona Day 12:Hollander

…some people say that riding a bike is not for everyone. That person apparently had a nasty wreck going downhill, skinned both knees and chipped a tooth. I would also refer to them as a wimp. We got up eager to get back to the bike shop (KIM TOO) and get our bikes. When we got there, we found out that the bike store attendant was actually from Holland, erhh, the Netherlands…anyways, she spoke great Spanish, errhh, Castilian and had a great English accent so we were waging as to whether she was an alien or worked for the CIA, and it looks like we were both wrong. Anyways, we let them know that we intended to ride up to the Park Guell. The young man in the shop went on and on about how cool it was, and about how most people that lived in the city had not taken proper opportunity to go see it..bla bla bla. The Hollander even laughed along and seemed to hype it up as well. So it all seemed like a pretty good idea. We did notice, however; that the Hollander did ask if we had mountains in North Carolina, and called me a “pro” when I suggested that I could adjust my own seat level. So we set out, but NOT SO FAST. We had to rush back to the house to take a couple of minutes to chill out. Apparently, I had made the café a little extra strength this morning (I bought it from the Jamaicans next door), and it gave Kim and me both the shakes. So after Kim downed an old episode of the office, we left. After racing through all the back alleys, and back onto the bike super highway, we landed in the middle of downtown. This was the Warfield for bikes. We battled in and out of 2 lanes with bikes, buses, taxis, and motorcycles for about 5 miles. Then we exited onto what appeared to be “the way to the park.” 5 minutes later the gradient of the road turned to about 8%. Now, this can be a challenge on a road bike, but for a cruiser with 3 gears, it can be the next best thing to getting a piece of fuzz out of your eyelids when your hands have been dipped in honey. It’s just not a good idea. Kim decided within the first couple of switch backs that she did not want to be a professional Cruiser. We now understood why the folks at the bike shop threw in so many hints. By the time we got to the park, Kim was still alive, however we were forced to use the shock paddles on her 3 times. We went through the park, and it was awesome. From the peak of the park, you could see all of Barcelona even onto the Mediterranean Ocean. That was easily worth all the pain and agony. Since this town is built around Gaudi, you could image that the park was built with more of his great architectural design. There were even two houses built based on Hansel and Gretel. So we got back on the bikes, and the fun began. What goes up must come down. I would like to thank Mr. Newton for that discovery because I laid all differing ideas of that law to rest as I descended the mountain down through the city like a bat as I raced through city intersection after city intersection. I eventually ended up at the base beside one of Gaudi’s other works (remember the huge church?) Kim had told me that she would see me at the bottom so I waited until she came on down, and we went hunting…yes you guessed it…WiFi. After slapping the blog online and downloading a few more episodes of the office, we jetted and get a nice FC Barcelona jersey for Germain (Kim’s co-worker). I’m way too cheap to buy one, so I just talked about it, and tried to get all the venders to basically give me one for free. We walked the city some more, and I went ahead and made the decision to break up with Starbucks. After I use up the last of my old gift card, I will put my “Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks” sign on the civic, and will no longer take my business to the chain. They just cost way too much to give not much in return. The coffee taste like dirt, and you have to pay for WiFi. In fact, I paid about 7 euro the other night for low connectivity for 1 hr. That’s pretty pathetic. My Spanish friends have been giving me free WiFi for 1,50 euro and cafe. Ah, you see…We also discovered that the old people in this town keep going well after their 90s. They just move really slowly, but they never stop. Kim came close to killing an old lady today with the rear wheel of her bike. I sure thought she did not speak English until I said, “You nearly snapped her old leg bone.” She gave me a pretty nasty look that did not seem to say, “Bless You.” Sign of the day, “When playing with marbles, be sure to hang on to your dog’s leash.”

Barcelona Day Eleven: Bicycle Super-Highway

The shower here is so modern. It’s like the IKEA cover photo shower head. Picture George Jetson’s house, and this is the shower head in our apartment. But, this is where functionality and modern art didn’t see eye to eye. First off, if you don’t align the knob just perfectly, you will either have a torrential down pour or a slow drip drizzle (like the Chinese water torture). You also have to facture in the hot/cold sensitivity of this contraption. Either your skin will burn off like a Barbie doll in a furnace, or you will see the permafrost mount up on your skin. Now, add all that up, and then you have what could easily be a disaster. This morning, Kim said, “HEY, I’VE GOT IT PERFECT…YOU CAN BE NEXT!” So, I wake myself up out of sleep (I was dreaming that I was Barry Bonds…saying no to drugs) and run to the shower, get in and have approximately 14 seconds of warm water before it all goes ice cold. I love to finish off an icy cold shower with an even colder subartic sink bath! Yippee. Oh, I guess I should also have thrown in the KIMFACTOR to the IKEA masterpiece. She is known for running all the hot water out of any situation. What I failed to realize is that she did have the temperature perfect…and had been enjoying for 30 minutes before that as well. Women are right 2/15 of the time, and yes that fraction does make sense. So we went to the bike shop and grabbed 2 bikes…OH YEAH BABY! They were beach cruisers, but who cares right. We start riding them down the narrowest of Spain back alleys…it felt just like the tour of Poland or something…I was laying on the little bell on my bike while kim drafted my rear wheel. We very well could have killed a senior citizen. We got back and quadruple locked up the bikes…backwheel to my front wheel, my backwheel to some powerbox inside the breezeway behind the triple bolted door leading to the outside. It’s all very secure over here. After a little food, we hit the road. HARD. The cool thing is, everyone is on a bike, so you’re really just fighting for position on the road with a bunch of other beach cruisers and old bikes. No one has smooth road bikes here so the playing field is equal. I did find out, however; that beach cruisers do not handle well on the actually beach. Go figure. It’s like ice skating in a pool of Jello with snow shoes on. You see…that’s not much like ice skating at all. After checking out all of the old Olympic sites (we did learn that none of the cool stuff about this city was here until the Olympic committee announced that it would come here. Before this, it was pretty much a dumpy fishing town with a buncha statues of Colon (Columbus) pointing the wrong direction. Seriously, ole boy is supposed to be pointing to the New World, and instead the statue is pointing to Africa. Let’s see, I guess the score now is: Columbus – 0.5, Common Sense – 4. Anyways, we cruised to the more uptown trendy area to check out all the sweet stuff that Gaudi designed (this is more art stuff for the not so art friendly readers). The apartment buildings were awesome, however; the gigantic church which is still under construction is the masterpiece. Please do google it. It’ll blow your mind. Oh, by this time, we realized that 1.) This city is awesome in that even on the busiest streets, there is a mini bike highway 2.) The camera’s battery was dying 3.) My bike was jacked up. Let’s talk about the bike. At a park earlier in the day, I had traded with Kim because the seat could move up higher, but later after I bunny hopped off a curb or something, it jacked the rear wheel all up, and the chain came off about 4 times, while the rear wheel rubbed the frame and banged up against the rear fender. All of that made for a sweet sounds at I buzzed through downtown. So, we headed back to the bike shop and dropped the machines off. About that time we went out our favorite juice/café/wierdsmokingdevice spot for some WiFi action. Well, guess what? Apparently everyone else was headed there too, and had decided that this was the day to Napster Tom Jones’ greatest hits. So there was no bandwith, and even though I did enjoy some very tasty café and one heck of a brownie, I got to download like half of an episode of the office season 3. So, we packed it up and headed a couple of blocks away for a chance at a Starbucks…NO DICE. So we came back to allow Kim’s head to stop pulsating (TERRIBLE HEADACHE!). After about 1.5 hrs of Stan Getz, and some good readings from the book of Matthew, we headed back to another Starbucks thinking our luck would improve…SUCKA! We shelled out cash and came up empty…Snake Eyes…so grocery store, back home, watched a little more office…and sleepy time. Sign of the day: “Start wherever you want because you cannot do much here except exists.”

Barcelona Day 10?: I'm Losing Track

…so we woke up @ 8:30am…or so we thought. Remember the time change? Well, it bit us early in the morning as we really woke up @ 7:30am which hurt pretty badly. We stumbled around the apartment, looking for coffee and whatnot. While watching the news, we realized that…yep indeed…we really were an hour off. So then it dawned on us that we were zombies because of that extra hour we’d lost…somewhere in Madrid. So, the executive decision to skip the bike tour was made. We decided that we would rent our own bikes, and give ourselves the tour. BRILLIANT! After the internet café, food, and some picture taking (we have TONS at this point. They will be posted later on for your viewing), we headed off to find the bike shop. We found it, but the doors were closed…it looked like a ghost town. We headed out to do some walking tours of the city. There are some pretty cool features of the city. Since Columbus is a pretty big deal in the Spanish culture, we say several landmarks including a court yard where the queen congratulated ole Colon(Columbus) on a job well done at finding a couple of islands. Nice job there buddy. We headed over the to the juice/café bar. Apparently, it’s run by a whole buncha hippies. Which, as I’ve said in the past, I have absolutely no issues with the hippies. So anyways, it’s apparently a place to spoke all sorts of natural random herbs(legal) and what not. And is heavily frequented by random hippie sorts. But, they play Radiohead, so it’s a wash in my book. Food (the folks at the grocery know us on a first name basis), another dance-off, and a ice cream ended the day. Did I mention that the washer exploded and tried to flood the apartment? It’s not going to win. We promise. We’re still in search of a good futbol jersey for one of Kim’s co-workers. Sign of the day: “Sleeping in this establishment is encouraged.”

Barcelona Day 9: La Clandestina

ohhh, boy. I have found the perfect spot. We're sitting in a cafe/juice bar that is wearing out the Radiohead Kid A EP. Not too many places would do that. Anyways, I will recap yesterday for you folks, and a little later, if it be God's will, I will lay out the events of today. Let's look back:

So Sunday belongs to God, so we did some bible studying, communion(unleaven bread brought to you homemade via mrs. robinson)...we went out, and tried to find some WiFi...the struggle is very hard in this city. We hit a bufet(spelled correctly for the Europeans) ONLY because it promised WiFi...and since they don't really speak Spanish here, they speak Castinlian instead, it is not that easy to communicate sometimes. They did not accomidate us, so we left, and did some roaming, and a giantic power nap before the game. So, this would also be a good time to let you know that we had our clocks totally wrong. yeah, apparently we missed the time change process here in Spain, and have been one hour ahead of everything. whoops. so, we were a whole hour early for the game. we got in there, and were amazed at how there were not that many folks to see FC Barcelona. They are such a good team, and Futbol is totally nutty over here. So after we skated on easy street on the metro, through crowds and to our seats, we began to notice that our watch did not match the game clock. we were almost 2 hrs early for the event. sat around, and made the attached videos. The game was unexpressably awesome. It topped any and all profession and college events we've ever been to(yes, that does include the 2004 world sumo wrestling championships). We tried to participate with the random chanting and made sure that we never clapped out of excitement unless we consulted with the old folks we were sitting with first(there is no need to get beat up because you make a wrong move at a futbol game. just ask clint powell in our little innocent at a bar in london 7 years ago when we "accidentally" cheered for liverpool...no joke kids...these folks don't play when it comes to futbol) after the game we were completely drained. we walked almost 2 miles to find a metro that was not complete packed, or that the line to get down into the metro did not stretch the length of the sidewalk. as we were on the metro, kim played the 'this metro is way too packed for you to fit on here' card at every stop. which meant, that everytime it made a stop, she would press her entire face and body against the glass like we could not move(this made folks think they could not fit!). it was not that far of an exaggeration though. we were so hungry, that we stopped at a spot and payed 20 some euro (30 american dollars!!) for two personal pizzas. that's just nutty...man, we were so hungry, that it did not even matter. NO TIP! back home, old episodes of THE OFFICE...and back to sleep...(the videos promised above too way to long to load...WIFI here stinks)

Barcelona Day 8: Take Paella twice daily

I know you are wondering if the bed treated us better than it did in Madrid…Well, as Interpol as my witness, it was really about the same. Who cares? First things first today…we battled this European washing machine. Please, please get a PHD before you try to operate this thing. I know Kim blogged about how she figured it out, but she did not re-blog about how the cycle last for about 3 hrs, and really has no rhyme or reason to it. We are currently in the 7th drying cycle on the first load of clothing. Are you kidding me? I should be able to get a job here just to work through their lack of efficiency. Sure the booklet says they are saving the environment, but for who? By the time the cycle is done, my kid’s kids won’t be alive. We drifted down the street to the newspaper shop, we found several cycling magazines!!! Then, off to the internet café. I plugged in and started…well, you know…I downloaded 7 episodes of THE OFFICE: season 3. Chris, PLEASE go check it out dude. I promise you are gonna love it. I’m speaking of my brother Chris Barber, who Kim and I had a long conversation about at lunch. We have decided that he has enough brain power to cure aids, but he still thinks a European vacation is worthless. We are determined to prove otherwise to him by these blogs…oh yes, lunch…well for me, my second hand at paella. That stuff is dynamite! Seriously, I’ve been here 1.5 days and had it twice…bueno. We started on our first walking tour after that. We saw where the millionaires keep their boats. This obviously reminds me of the Big Pimpin video by JayZ. *Wa-wa-wa-waaa-wano-wamp* that’s the sound on the song. Yes, I saw the video, but do not suggest nor endorse it. We strolled on down to the beachish area. Very very nice. Right after this we decided (this was not a fast nor pretty decision…it in fact involved nasty words, mean looks, pointing, my bad attitude, hugging, kissing, and making up) that bikes RULE in Barcelona. They have their own bike lanes. I’m not talking about the regular bike lanes with the whole “share the road” bit. I’m talking about their own little highway which exits and what not. HA, no joke…seriously. So anyways, we high-fived and decided to get bikes tomorrow after the bike tour (I promised not to race anyone and to not wear my cycling shoes). We found a large wooden lobster and took a whole lotta pictures as if he were attacking us. Small minds are amused by small things. After a small café break(you knew it was about that time for me, check out the size of coffee they give me and they gave kim...we didn't even ask for it that way), we proceeded back home for a bathroom(el bano) break. Wait, wait, before the bathroom break, and after Kim got mini cafe, we were treated to a visit from the king & queen. Oh ya, giant puppet versions came parading down the calle(street). Awesome! After a dance off (yes, and I think for the first time I lost) to some Kanye West’s Barry Bonds & Gnarles Barkleys Go Go Gadget Gospel, we headed back out to find a coffee pot. But they are really cool here…not like the electric kind, but the old school kind that make like 1.5 cups on the stove. Cool. But first, how about a little shopping? Since I forgot my sunglasses, I went ahead a picked up a Dell Milan approved pair. Seriously, Dell, you would approve. They were cheap; but, I’m sure you already knew that. After which, we attempted to do some shopping, but stopped after we realized that even though the folks are a peg down on the style factor here compared to Madrid, they still have the highest prices. We’ll find somewhere…maybe. I’ll bring back tight jeans and Chuck Taylors for everyone (that includes you Andy King). We raced to the supermarket, grabbed more chips (I’m going through them like Gerber Baby food through an infants digestive track), the coffee pot, aahhh more food. So, good night, and oh yes, sign of the day: “Bike Parking”

Madrid/Barcelona: Day 7

I’m so addicted to “The Office.” We have downloaded & watched the first two seasons. And, after watching the last episode tonight, I’m going to do my best to get the third somehow tomorrow. So, allow me to back up to how it all began nice and early this morning. After we packed our bags, and emptied out the apartment, we hopped on the metro, and headed over to the train station. I told Kim that we were leaving way too early and would end up just sitting around for 45 minutes if we left when she wanted to. But, we did it anyways. And, by the time we reached the station, they were already lining up for the departure. Women….they are right like 2/15 of the time, and yes that fraction does make sense. Once on the train, both of us forgot how it all operates you know. Like, is there assigned seating? Can you sit by your best friend…do those letters and numbers, along with the “CAR #” really mean anything? Using both of our brains we decided to just sit in the cushy nice seats, and were escorted to the next car down after we’d be rolling about 2 minutes with the common folk. My general rule of thumb for trains in Europe was formed some 7 years ago when I fell asleep going from London to Brussels, woke up in Lile, France and got off to find out that it was not Brussels, no one spoke English, the large army guy with his man-eating dog didn’t speak English and did not like the joke about, “the army guy and his dog that walked into the bar.” At any rate after Kim was nearly swept off her feet by a quartet of young anxious Spanish teens, she got me some food to eat. It’s like watching a bear eat honey then hibernate. I fell into a Radiohead induced sleep…only to be awoken by my wife, “Hey, I think everyone is getting off the train.” OH BOY! Here we go again! I knew it. I knew I could not afford to go to sleep, but I really did not have it inside of me to stay awake. AARRGHH!!! So, I looked around and the train was emptying out like someone was offering tickets to a Boy George Concert in Ohio. I stumbled to my feet, grabbed my bag, and off we went. Now, you are probably wondering if we were in Barcelona or not. Well, the train had come to it’s finally destination, and the ticket did say that the last stop was Barcelona. What the ticket did not say was that, the last stop was in fact Barcelona, and the city would be reached on it’s SECOND LEG VIA BUS! You try cramming a train full of people onto a passenger bus. Kim’s 1hr bladder kicked in, and I just shoved all my “gotta go” feelings deep, deep inside…and we got to the bus last. Some guy pointed to a bus, so I chunked our stuff under the bus into that luggage area, we crammed ourselves onto a bus with what looked like a gray hair convention. We were like newborns on this bus of 90-somethings. If I’m not mistaken, most of them were from the cast of the Spanish Love Boat. Anyways, we sat across the aisle from each other, and I wedged beside the Spanish Santa Claus…seriously, the guy had the beard and everything…he just kept using the cell phone a lot. I don’t think the real Santa even uses one of those. Bingo, that guy was a fake. Anyways, after riding on a bus, in the clearness of absolute desert and nowhere, and after I fell asleep only to realize that my mouth was wide open, we arrived in Barcelona. And as usual, God worked everything out. We got to our apartment, slid right in, got some food down the street, went to the grocery store to buy lots of sugar-filled items(most of which I have eaten by the time you read this), and watched the last 5 episodes of “The Office: Season 2.” All I know is that the folks in Madrid dressed like it was a run-way show, and these folks dress like it’s a homeless contest. So, we’re no longer underdressed. Sign of the day: “Toilets will resemble the letters W & C, which stand for WOOO & Caution.”(W-water,C-closet)

Madrid Day 6: Fight Club

BED OF ROCKS! It stuck it to us one more time. It ejected Kim aka MIO(Mini Internal Organs) to the couch. I later found her breathing hard, rocking out to something random on the iPOD, with the heat up high enough to melt the steel off Super Man’s chest. Anyways, up and at’em. We once again listened to a good sermon via the Richland Hills COC podcast. I don’t agree with everything that church does by any means, however; they do produce some very useful and positive lessons. Oh yes yes, I made breakfast. I keep it real European, Egg w/Goat Cheese, Baget, Café. Put a check in the box for the nicest husband of the year award. I even beat Shannon’s expresso making talents, Julie. We decided today would be the shopping/wind down day. We started out back in Retiro Park(did anyone google it from last time?) I started out a bit moody because my blatter was full and there was no where in the maze-like, forested park to exercise my excercising, if you know what I mean. In America, any male can find a tree, or wooded area and do a bit of business…not so in Madrid. Everything is so wide open. So after I wedged myself under and into a large bush, I could not even untangle my body well enough to use the bathroom, so rather than use it on myself(as some of you by now probably assumed I did), I just pushed into way out of my mind and continued through the day. We left the park, after a few photos here and there…of course, and then it was on to the botanical gardens. Hey, guess what, after a super long walk, we discovered that the gardens were not worth looking at…and food was the most important thing. I forgot to add that we had spent the entire day attempting to find a magazine with La Chappelle’s work in it(after finding it, we both were filled with horror at the cover…not for the little kids shall we say), and we also were trying hard to scalp a little free wi-fi. These tight, selfish Spanards don’t give an inch when it comes to their wi-fi. Man oh man, I took my PDA, and walked every inch of this city sniffing out WI-FI and found 2 spots. Can you believe that? You may remember that we had DSL at our apartment just stopped working, and about that time all of our neighbors ceased to exists as well. Go figure…so back to trying to ‘borrow’ DSL from this tightwad city (cuidad for those Spanish speakers). We headed to find food at an Irish spot which had fallen victim to my eating abilities earlier in the week. But for some reason, I thought I would go a different route…several miles of walking, 2 very hungry stomachs, and one heavy backpack later, we found a place, mind you…the worst eating establishment, with the worst service, and worst one single waiter in the city. What was the name of the place? Who knows, who cares. All I’m saying is that if I was not a Christian man, and was about 30 pounds heavier, I would have started Madrid’s first Fight Club in the parking lot today after the “password” they gave me for Wi-Fi didn’t work. Oh ya, not once, but twice…it did not work. Come on people, lie to me…tell me that there’s a problem with the internet in the back, but don’t let me look around and see 6 year old boys getting on the internet with their Nintendo GameBoys, Old 70 year old Gray Panthers were getting on Oldpeople.com, and I could not even check my email or download a few more episodes of “The Office.” So, after searching for our waiter, we left, and I did what any self respecting American would do when backed into a wall: 1) talk junk 2) apologize for talking junk 3) realize that my junk talking didn’t matter because they don’t understand English anyways 4) also realize that talking junk to a third party who neither understands or who heard the junk talking because such junk talking was spoken to a 4th party in the first place is pretty pointless 5) headed to one spot in the city with the “very low” connection 6) went to Starbucks( I know, I know…I said I’d never go back….it’s so American and nasty, and I apologize to the readers…and especially to Jackson’s Java…please forgive me, but I had to use their bathroom, I go a coffee to go…I didn’t stay…seriously..no more than 5 minutes…they did not even have wi-fi) 7) go back to the highly overpriced café from the night before. After that, I’m completely pleased…I have coffee, and I have more episodes of the office, and I have good health. Bravo…I also bought some iPod Speakers that have an international wall plug; I guess I’ll use the adapter on that one for life.
Sign of the day: “Placing your card near this machine will result in 100 euros to shoot out at a rapid pace.”

Madrid Day 5: It's just art

Due to our broken down internet, we resorted to using the WI-FI over at out new high society hang out. We noticed that every time we passed the café, their only appeared to be aristocrats with their noses hoisted into the air. Once inside we did experience the biggest sugar rushes of all time from their extra nice ice cream and café. We later fell victim to their even nicer prices. Youch! Let’s hope they fix our DSL at this apartment soon. This morning was a bit cloudy, which made a perfect day for the Prado museum. I do enjoy art museums. Kim likes them if they are sandwiched in between cereal breaks. So, she was a good enough sport to allow me to spend 4+ hrs there. They had unbelievable works of art. From sandstone busts of Zeus & Hercles to 8 foot statues of Augustus Ceasar, they had great works from Raphael, Goya, & Valasquez. For those of you who care nothing about art, I’ll just sum it up by saying that most of the famous paintings you’ve ever seen were in the building…enough said. It was really cool to see just how many great painters depicted Jesus in several of their art works. And, for those of you wondering why the heck Goya painted some guy eating a mini person, I now have the answer. Oh ya, they did have a cafeteria, which meant that I put my second best talent, eating, to good use. So that sums up the sum up, and caps off another great day in Madrid. We did download the second season of the office, and buy more coffee for the house which means good times. I also found out that apparently Ham flavored chips are preferred here. They drink Pepsi’s by the liter. How amazing is that? This is truly the place for me. I’ve seen several UPS trucks which means they need engineers which means, I’m getting a transfer. Sign for the day: “Beware of the many alien abductions that occur at cross-walks.”

Day 4: Stealing from Squirrels

When you’ve had enough of the Spanish talking on TV, and the lack of futbol games, you turn your attention towards iTunes, and ya just start downloading TV shows like a madman. So, 3 episodes of “The Office” later, we hit the hay. We drug out of bed and both agreed that IKEA makes sweet furniture but their beds feel like a cross between a Indian ritualistic bed of spikes and an airplane landing pad. In either case, I’d say that’ll make for a rough night. After some café, a pizza, some cereal, soymilk, & juice, we were off and running. We decided to head down the street and take on 2 of the city’s finest walking tours. On the way there I think we finally got caught up in the shopping craze. Man, you always try to dodge that because it’s just a nasty pit of money spending, and we all know what a cheap guy I am. Please refer to an earlier blog, where I named myself as the next great rapper, “DJ Cheap.” At any rate, we also decided that in marriage I did not supersize my wife. She’s definitely a small meal in the metaphorical sense of a McDonalds meal. What I mean by this is that she’s a small girl fully equipped with small internal organs. She’s on an eat/bathroom-break once an hour schedule. Her bladder and stomach are probably around the size of an acorn. Why an acorn do you ask? Well, if I had said, “The size of a marble or a tennis ball,” Then some of you would have argued that they could not have been that size. But, most of you don’t even have dimensions in your head for the size of an acorn to begin with, so the argument is a mute one. If you are sitting there right now, with your fingers made to fit about the size of an acorn, then I’d love to put the hand-cuffs on you and haul you off to jail, you two bit squirrel killer. That’s right; I said it. You obviously took that acorn from some unsuspecting squirrel who was racing to the tree to put it in a squirrel nut storage facility then you on your weird power trip, yanked it from him without asking or even asking to share. Those are pretty generous little animals. Next time, do more giving and less taking. Where was I anyways? Oh yes, so Kim cannot hold much food or fluid (We did however find Maoz, vegetarian restaurant, which was closed…all day long. And, we also found the HAM museum. You see, Spain has something for both of us). This has in turn lead to my coffee addition because with every break she takes to eat or potty, I also take a café break. I’m worse than a smoker, except my lungs look stellar. So we did check out some schedules for the city’s Flamenco dancers for later (Lord willing) in the week. We went ahead and roamed the city checking out all the historic landmarks. My Spanish skills continued to get worse. Every time I am now confronted with a Spanish speaker, I just break eye contact and point to Kim. They start talking, and the next thing you know, I’ve got a cup of café. We got some new iPOD speakers so that we can both listen to Richo(or whatever his name is…it’s the Spanish dude with the dang mole) Iglesias. I switch it over to Radiohead every chance I get. I think somewhere in the shopping, Kim did land a sweet pink jacket for like 9 bucks. I’m still holding out for shoes…I did spend a little time conversating with a large bronze man. In the end, he saw things my way. So, as usual, we made another great discovery: Everyone thinks that if they see an American, it’s time to cut a deal. For instance, we’re in the Plaza Mayor…checking out the bullfighting pictures…kim’s thinking about getting one. Enjoy…[Kim]: cuantas questas? [Guy]: ahh, yes(you see how he breaks his Spanish to talk a little spanglish to the Americans?)…this is a special special picture, made with very special paint…ah yes, in facto, I can make you a special deal, pretty girl, yes very special, it’s 75 euro, but for you, special woman, I make it 65 euro, just for you, right now, right at this second, especially right now at this special moment for such a special person, for you, especially you…now, not then, I’m not extending the time period from then till now so that I can make it special for you, especially for you, special American girl, 65 euro…by the way, this special paint will not run or smear, it’s special. You like? [Kim]: we’ll check back later……Oh ya, and the sign of the day, “Small flying children are allowed above couples who recently separated”

Madrid Day 3: here's another hit barry bonds...

...well, since we stayed up until so late that our american based readers were just going to bed(you figure the timezones out as homework), we had a pretty hard time getting up for the morning run. once up, and at'em...we walked down the streets in our less than fashionable workout clothing. man, you should have seen the looks...school kids dressed in the newest fashions(don't worry, pretty soon you'll grown to appreciate really tight 80s style jeans, chuck taylors, and fishnet pantyhose...all over again. the style is back baby) looked @ us like we were from Mars. I mean, we are so outta place with our american eagle polos, and crocks. we are freaks over here! anyways, we ran, it hurt, enough said. out on the streets, we walked to check out where kim used to live 7 years ago. it was cool...wait, did i fail to mention that we stopped at "Fast-Good" resturant, which resembled nothing of our fast food resturant...i think it was all natural, however; kim's no vegan...she was eating cheese like the mice from looney toons. remember those guys? crafty little animals...anyways, kim's 80 year old memory struck gold in a pit of alzhimer's again, and she forgot exactly what her house looked like when she lived here, but we did locate the phone booth were she used to make calls to me back in Knoxville. After seeing that it was located about 3 feet..err..meters(trying to get the hang of this metric thing) from the road, I now understand why it always seemed like she was talking to me from the pit of a formula one race...so we decided to hike it back to Retira Park(google it for fun). On the way, we observed the #2 discovery of Spain(recall the #1 discover was that all men take care of their children. Which brings to mind a little piece from an old Chris Rock special, "Random Dude: Yo, I take care of my kids. Chris Rock: You take care of them? Big Deal! You're their Dad you idiot. What? Do you want a cookie?"...i hope the humor was not lost in translation)...being that tight jeans are taking over the earth. i know i hinted to it earlier, but i'm talking pants that were painted on just ten minutes ago tight. i saw a man's leg hair through his jeans today. his ankles were turning blue from the loss of circulation. oh well, it's the new way...adjust now. I guess i'll have to retire my MC Hammer pants after vacation. yes yes, i drank a buncha cafe...what else is new, and we went ahead and made discover #3 a day premature just in case it rains tomorrow: people here cannot park. These pictures shows what happens when a compact car attempts to cram itself into motorcycle parking...Yes, that's right Mrs. Genius...trying to fit 19 pounds silly putty into a 2 pound container does not work...same goes for your Renault Megane! we are close to ending the day after spending the better part of a half or 2 of nearly an hour in a grocery/high end clothing/electronics store(who would have thought to put soy milk, prada boots, old people diapers, and iPods in the same store?). and the shots of the old folks? well, dude, she jerked him over to the bench, tucked his shirt in his pants, re-fastened his belt, then pointed to the bench. he smiled and sat down. WHEW!!!!!! I had to drink 2 cafe's on that one. BAM! That just happened. I looked at Kim...and said, I don't care how old we get...I'll break your fingers off if you try that. Then she pointed to my chair and I sat down. You see men, even in Spain, I'm in control. We've also added a freature called "Sign of the Day." Today's sign: "Small girls with long fingers are not allowed to open doors on the subway."