the clock has always blinked

My wife is pretty clever. She picked up a phrase "us" folks in the south like to use. "God Bless" are the best 2 words to describe and attempt to bless some poor innocent soul who needs a pair of mental training wheels to keep going. Heck, forget the training wheels, give them one of those motorized scooters. While you're at it, why don't you just put them in a wagon and pull'em.

So, for all you single guys, I don't want this to push you away from the young lady pictured in the reindeer attire. She's as comical as she is an expert on national weather disasters(see TV behind her). Meet PhilWill, aka, PWHotDogs. You can break that name apart however you like, but I'd like to keep it all together, and when you marry her, you can break it apart however you like. But, in the following true life conversation, I would like to highlight some of the classic phrases used by PhilWill. Will you enjoy yourself? Sure. Will you hump over in laughter? Possibly. Will you spew your Cherry coke all over your brand new wife beater? Absolutely. Enjoy this interview.

JR: Phil, where should we eat? What's your favorite meal?

PWHD: I don't have one. I just like Ham & Cheese.

JR: Like a Ham & Cheese Sandwich?

PWHD: No, like I like Ham, and I like Cheese. Keep them separate. I love a good piece of Ham, and then over here, I like a good piece of Cheese.

JR: So, I get this straight, you like plain Ham and then plain Cheese? They don't do that at restaurants.

PWHD: Well, I like Ham with mashed potatoes, and then the other stuff.

JR: Wait, I thought you liked them by themselves and separate?

PWHD: Right!
JR: What am I right about? That makes no sense!
PWHD: What? I like Cheese

JR: That has nothing to do with it. So in this meal, does Cheese ever get mixed in? Is it on the side?

PWHD: Errr...no. I just like Cheese. Not in the potatoes.

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JR: why don't you set your dvd player clock?

PWHD: oh, it doesn't work, i mean, it works, but it's always blinked.

JR: have you ever watched a dvd on it?

PWHD: yes. i just don't remember when or even what movie i watched

JR: was it expensive?

PWHD: no, yes, no...not really...i don't even think it plays CDs. some do, but this doesn't.

JR: well, why did you unplug it?

PWHD: i didn't. never have. the clock has just always blinked

JR: (fixes clock, inserts CD, it plays)

PWHD: holy dvd player! i didn't know it worked. I unplugged it when I unplugged that lamp, which i plugged in behind that table, when the plug in under the rug had to be used to plug the vacuum in, when i unplugged the coffee grinder spilled grinds all into the plug on the counter.

JR: I thought you never unplugged it?

PWHD: i didn't

JR: You need to keep up with stuff better. i think you're growing old

PWHD: whatever, you probably have a BlueBerry(yes folks, this should have been BlackBerry)

JR: (buckles over in painful laughter with KoolK)

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PWHD: i think i'd be pretty handy in a knife fight.

JR: do you keep your head on a swivel?

PWHD: my head?

JR: do you watch your back?

PWHD: huh? that's so incomformatious.

JR: that is not a word.

PWHD: yes it is, it's a synonym for superflapbapulous

JR: Phil, you are making this stuff up.

PWHD: no, i'm not. I am the reading teacher for the richest school in the USA, you are being inperitewitritional, and acting vertigraticalouslylyly.

JR: I am definately going to call you out on that one.

United Memphis of America

long time friend and accomplice howell evans, aka, "gevans" proposes what could be the most ground breaking idea we've seen. at least, it's worth thinking about. and, i promise if you've had an espresso, this will be almost like when all those folks from woodstock ate plants and started seeing elephants. PC enough? Allow me to pickup where our conversation took off. I will skip our normal back and forth about how basic Tim Duncan is, or about how Texas Tech is weak, or about how much Howell would like to burn down both UofF and UofA campuses with one match. Let's get to the good stuff:

me: what's your address? i'll googlemap you

X42threatX: xxxx Bla bla Place South Memphis TN xxxx(sorry folks, I have to protect the slightly innocent)

me: wow, that's barely in memphis...you ain't getting shot at

X42threatX: it's always memphis you could be in nashville, and some crazy person here will find you

me: LOL so you're saying that the memphis city limits starts anywhere and everywhere

"CLICK CLICK"

X42threatX: correct sir

me: so, technically, i could get into a heated argument in my office parking lot, and in a matter of seconds, memphis comes to my front door

X42threatX: this is correct sir. it's more a state of mind then a city

me: it can actually be said that memphis is more like a state, THE STATE of the united states...almost like, the United Memphis of America. scary but true this sounds like a John Legend song.

So, there you have it. Pythagorean turned on its head. Gevans just unlocked the mystery of the universe. Memphis, TN is so dangerous that any time you see or feel violence, it is not even technically happening to you in your city, the memphis city limits have come out and met you right in your face. Don't be surprised if the next time your kid smarts off at you, they say, "sorry mom, I didn't want to say that, but the memphis in me came out again!"

oh oh a mouse

my cat, miss whitesocksmcgee, is a killer. She bagged a bird and brought him headless to our doorstep. This morning, she out did herself with a mouse. Although, I feel as though we should throw a flag on the mouse play because it was a little baby mouse who looks like he just froze to death and my cat brought it trying to fake a kill. I didn't see a bit of blood --- I'm not impressed with a fake kill. That's weak. Oh, and PITA, don't even bother picking up the phone because I'm not picking it up.

phone ejection

my wife has apparently had a fight with her phone --- a real duel, if you will. if you won't then stop reading, you are going to be the blog buzz kill.
anyways, i could not get the whole story yet, since i'm in memphis, aka, "THE M TOWN," however; it sounds like the phone has won the first two rounds. The 2 vegas santioned judges score the first two rounds 10-8 in favor of the phone.

we will continue our marathon talk. today i went far into the pain cave. 19 miles in there, and let me tell you, that's not a happy place. i think that's also the same place i keep the memory of kim sticking a lead pencil into one of my open wounds, or the time i got my finger slammed in a fire engine car door. yeah, not the place i'd like to take up full-time residency, but a few more weeks will do. how much can one man chaffe? oh, interesting question...the answer is: until blood runs down his leg. enter the pain cave. now, will this cause burning and irritation in the shower? we are stepping into the pain cave kitchen. how about after i've been sitting in the car 2 hrs to go watch alabama stomp down mississippi state with my father, and i get out of the car, and that same irritated area, which has pussed for the last 2.5 hrs, gets ripped away from from my jeans? you got it, open up the pain cave closet, and come on in, stay a while and put your coat on the hanger. why? why, the fun times you ask...because i do it for the kids...all those poor unfortunate kids who decided to sit on the couch and veg out playing their new playstation 3 consoles, and eating up mommies favorite chips, and snacks.

That's right Paula. I feel your pain --- except I was not as cool as you. I just ran over to a tree with a golf course on one side, and passing cars on the other. I picked between 100 year old men riding in golf carts and the memphis metropolis. Sorry Mr. Edwards and Mr. Green. Hopefully next week, the green on number 5 will use the artificial irrigation.

MARATHON 2

okay, this could be me - day after the marathon. Going for 15 miles tonight.

ELECTION'S DUN

whew. i was up to my armpits in old spice and bad election commercials. i know many of you are highly political and will get all offended, so i will just say that we have a new president, so start supporting him.

now, that's behind us, let's start concentrating on the real stuff. clay and i are in serious last minute training for this charlotte marathon. thank you angie mccurry for giving me another good reason to buy some bright shinny running shoes and quite possibly have my lefts wilt and crumble under the load of my skeleton frame. schedule? who needs a schedule. we are ad-hoc training as hard as we possibly can. tapering? recovering? huh? i'm sorry, I couldn't hear you because the treadmill's running. that's right. there's sweat on the keyboard. i actually have the sound of a guy running and panting on my ipod and i play it while i'm at work, while i run in place under my desk. it's pain all day everyday baby. i'm talking red alert, defcom 5 here. we've put in less miles than a newborn at this point. we've not sown but expect to reap a good finish come game day. i just found a couple of days ago that this thing is 26 miles. that's okay. it's only 20 more miles than i was planning on running. so who cares what all the experts say, we'll see you when it counts, Lord willing...game day - Dec 13th. Meet me at the start line with your finger on your stop watch, because 4 hrs later rain or shine --- i will be laying on the ground either in victory or right outside of the huntersville ER. it's game time chump.

CHIPS AHOY!

I used to enjoy them. we all did right. the chocolate would melt in your mouth. that beautiful slightly crunchy cookie that we all knew was genetically engineered. ahhhhh.

Now, on this day my superstar nephew, Camden Barber has been born. Some will refer to him as Mr. November. Others will call him, "HEY YOU, GET DOWN OFF THE TABLE WITH ICE SKATES ON, I WORK TOO HARD TO WATCH YOU SCRATCH UP THIS TABLE. WE BOUGHT THAT FROM INDIA. YOU KNOW SON, THE INDIA TRIP WHEN YOUR DAD GOT BIT BY THAT 34 FT JAVA RAPTOR SNAKE. THE ONE THAT 4 YEARS PREVIOUS HAD EATEN THE COUPLE FROM EAST GERMANY THAT BOTH HAD BEARDS. YES, YES, THE WOMAN HAD A TERRIBLE HORMONE ISSUE THAT CAUSED LARGE WHITE FLUFFY HAIR TO GROWN JUST ON HER CHEEKS. IT WAS REALLY A ROUGH THING FOR HER BECAUSE IT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO BRAID, AND YES...IT WAS BRAIDED WHEN THE SNAKE ATE THEM. THAT'S WHY THE SNAKE HAD THAT ONE LAZY EYE. SO GET OFF THE TABLE WITH THOSE ICE SKATES ON, OR ELSE I WILL MANGLE YOUR STICKY FINGERS WHICH HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN IN THE CAKE I BAKED FOR YOUR TWICE BITTEN FATHER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. YES, TWICE BITTEN BECAUSE BESIDES THE SNAKE IN INDIA, THE PARROT WE USED TO HAVE CHARLIE BIT HIM THE SECOND DAY WE HAD HIM. NO, YOU DON'T REMEMBER, BUT CHARLIE BIT HIM BECAUSE YOUR DAD IN AN ACT OF PURE HUNGER ATE ONE OF HIS SUNFLOWER SEEDS BECAUSE I WORKED LATE AND HAD NOT MADE DINNER. AND, WHY DID I WORK LATE? I HAD TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB TO PAY FOR THE TABLE YOU ARE CURRENTLY SCRATCHING TO PIECES. SO GET OFF THE TABLE AND STOP COSTING THIS FAMILY SO MUCH MONEY"

yep, I can see it now. or, i could be wrong about some of that. i'm not sure. i don't have kids. i just go on mission trips and get eaten half-alive by ants. yes, it happened, and i have the scars to prove it.