Seriously?

I think there are a couple instances where an out of control illegal park like this one are warranted.

1. Perhaps you just made it home from a day long shopping trip to every single mall and grocery store in Charlotte with you girlfriend who you are trying to impress with your rugged durability and impressive ability to say, "ooohhh that's the best one for sure," to everything she has tried on that day. So when you dropped her off and barely made it back to your block and were forced to hit the emergency break and skid into your spot, miami vice style --- it is ok.
2. You suddenly realize that you left the house without DVRing the Office.
3. Aliens abducted you and they dropped you ride ever so slightly out of the sky after checking you our for 3 days and 3 nights while your mother-in-law happened to be in town. Those Aliens are uncanny with their timing.

Otherwise, let's face it; you are lazy and a bad parallel parker. This is not only uncalled for but matches and beats the time I crammed. My 1988 Cutless Sierra Special Edition Oldsmobile into a parallel spot reserved for a golf cart. I call it the "bump bump" method. Knoxville, TN's finest were not impressed.
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Belated Earthday

I was too busy burning garbage in the rusty oil drum beside my house yesterday to enjoy all the earth day fun. You know how it is. Is it any surprise that all the green planet hippies got all amped up and chained themselves to trees just a few days later to celebrated the cloudiest holiday of the year, 4/20. What a week for the hippies. Only if Bob Marley could see us now. You know I'm only kidding. I love keeping it green compost piling, recycling, yogaing, getting my nooma on. That's great and everything. But can someone please tell please tell the hippies that it's mean to the planet when you don't take a bath. Yep, I said it. You are scared to bring it up, but many a small animal have retreated in fear from a smoked out, smelly person. That's not OF THE EARTH to smell like vomit. I've never know anyone to be all natural because the smelled like a 20 day old armpit minus the old spice cover up scent. I feel more comfortable in a kiddie pool filled with Tink's # 5 special deer scent, FOX URINE. I love my hippies for all their hemp and sweet clothing, but I don't need to be the one to tell you to hit those pits with a couple of swipes of right guard. Oh, and yes, my vegan wife is hugging a tree.
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Superheros Die

Nothing is funnier than watching Super heroes die. I figure no true Super hero lives forever. Did you ever imagine what 90 year old Superman looks like? He probably did less flying towards the end because of his battle with gout and besides the fact that flying with a walker is a bit cumbersome. What is Wonder Woman with gray hair and a nagging bad hip? Wolverine with old dull nubbie claws? Can I get an Amen? Anyways, Andrew(pictured here) is pretending to be a dead Super hero with the uncanny ability to make a mean face and wiggle his legs. It's tough when it happens to the young ones.
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Babies?

You have to ask yourself, is this the hand that could hold a baby? I think I've been hearing all the pressure to reproduce a lot here lately. I discussed this long and hard today with my baby consultant, Mr. MAIN, aka, Mr. Australia. We seem to share the same views. Kids just might make us grumpy old men. I decided long ago(before I found out that you don't get to choose the sex of your child) that I'd take a girl. But today after some in depth consulting, I realized that a girl just means that I will have to take the life of several teenage boys in cold blood --- and like it. It's either that or pray for an ugly kid. Who does that? Who prays that their kid come out resembling an ardvark? Sure that helps pest control, but in general it's mean and expensive. Think about all the visits to the head doctor! We all know about I hate spending money. So let's just go back to my original question, does this look like the hand of a baby holder? Answer: no, that hand is occupied playing the Wii.

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You can tear down a house, but the TP stays

You can demo an old building, but you cannot keep down a good roll of Charmin.

Is it safe to help my dogs with their backed up bowl issues? The vet does this 1-2-3 cleansing technique that they charge me $40 to perform. I think you good folks are catching on. Sure it's sick, but I am cheap. Plus, no one criticizes the local farmer when they aid a cow giving birth to a bunch of little cows. We call him/her a hero and pat them on the back. What about the brave average person who takes it upon them self to free a dog from the infamous buttrun?
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