When momma chickens are having career discussions with their chics, do they say, "now, I want you to be big and strong, and free range?" I'm sure hoping that sort of guidance is giving to all aspiring young chics looking to break out of the oppression of the looming hack'em up, and serve'em 20 pieces at a time with BBQ sauce, Golden Arches, red haired clown guy...mystical future that awaits them. So, anyways, I was rolling up hwy 441 on my way Wilkesboro, NC, and I passed one of those chicken transport trucks. What a site. It was a mobile 900 chicken condo unit. And for a second I thought, wow, the government is totally wrong about the declining housing market. I nearly wrote CNBC off as a total and complete sham, then I noticed that these chickens were definitely not happy stuffed into their 11' X 13' living quarters. There was no cable TV, no fridge, no ikea coffee table and computer desk, no remote controlled ceiling fan. These guys had it bad. And then it dawned on me that all my friends were going to eat that same bit of poultry throughout the day. Did you hear me? You guys are eating chickens that are unhappy! Not only that, they are dirty, nasty, diseased, and injected with more steroids that Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton, and Barry Bonds combined. Now, I will take this moment to let you know that those names were only used to get a laugh. I think Tyler and Floyd are innocent, however; Barry...Barry...if you remember that guy was my size one season, and brother buff the next. So, I feel no sympathy for him. Anyways, this is my speech to those of you out there still wondering if you should eat free range chickens(which means that they live their lives running and playing in fields while being hand fed grains, and they normally wear very stylish clothes, sunglasses, and don't' mess with steroids because they are more into fruit shakes, and watch their weight). Well, that's better than your other alternative. That stuff makes you unhealthy, and geez, don't we have enough people with cancer in the world to stop eating McDonald's fries.
Oh yes, I extended my lead in the world food eating championship when I woke up middle of the night, and went downstairs, and put down an entire pineapple without stopping. My dogs looked at me and said, "bravo, bravo." Who knew dogs could clap. I always thought that because they had no thumbs that they could not make it happen.
Dang, I love a good Big Mac.
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