let's just rewind to last night in the beginning so as to not miss a thing.
#1 - our newest teammate steven was in a terrible wreck which gave him 46 stitches, and an eye that is royally messed up...along with a fractured wrist. look at the pictures of his bike. you have to remember, that i'm not turning the wheel...that's just how it is. ah man, i did not see the wreck because i was up front destroying my body trying to get rid of all not so fit individuals. they neutralized the race twice, and your humble narrator ended up getting placed back with the common folk resulting in a field finish. i spent the good portion of my night in the hospital after i watched the ladies race roll out. LVW blew that junk up. i did also shake hands with
mandybrushlesscarwashlozano although she did not win, as she said she would. So, Steven I hope you have a really fast recovery and get back to racing so I can cat up.
what? what? oohhh, so this is the best part of this whole blog(and, i wish i had a picture). i pulled up to a stop light. i could see in the distance the shadow of one who i would assume to be homeless. i know, i know...stereotypes. i mean, someone would probably conclude that i stole the bike i was riding because of the same stereotypes, bla bla bla. i apologize to any i have offended in the making of this blog. moving on...so i could see the guy trying to go up to each car, but it's obvious that they were trying hard not to make eye contact. i know you've all done it. so he started coming up to my car, and i locked him in with my eyes. i mean seriously. you know how you are taught in all those business how-to-do-presentation classes...oh ya, i put the "i want you, the audience member to hear what i'm about t
o say, because i'm trying hard to sell you something, and regardless of the fact that i've got 17 pounds of rhetorical bullpoop coming out of my mouth, i still want you to eat it up and try to tell me that i don't know what i'm talking about because at that point, i promise i will redirect your question to someone else less qualified so i look smart" stare on him. so, he ran over to my car. now, i did not roll down the window simply because...well, because i don't even roll it down for the cops. i normally just crack it, and slide my license out. i mean, it's not like anything i do or say will get me out of my ticket. i'm a black man; there's not sympathy when it comes to the 5.0. back to the story...i could barely hear him talking, but it sounded like he was saying, "i got bad deal at starbucks, soy milk and nestle quick are a bad combination...that's baby making music." i obviously, asked him to repeat himself, at which time he made a clearer presentation: Yo dude, i'm hungry...gimme some food so i can get something to eat. So, i said, "are you sure you're hungry?" (stupid question, but my sub-conscience sent a message back to my regular brain and told me that that was an attempt to buy time) so, i said, dude, i'm about to hook you up....so i reached over in the seat beside me and grabbed a container of some of my favorite food, sweet potato quesadillas. AHAHHGGHHH!!! i offered up just the most...ahhg..tell you what...words cannot express the meal. anyways, i proudly handed it out of the car with the biggest grin on my face. he replies, "what is that?" are you kidding me? the guy just told me that he's homeless, and he's asking me what it was that he was about to get. dang it, if i hand a nicely prepared roll of cat poop out of the window in plastic dish...DIG IN! so, i was a little hurt ya know. i mean, i could name zillions of people who would have indian thumb wrestled me to the point of cramped fingers for that meal. so i told him what it was, and he said, "ah, forget it dude, i can't have greasy food...can't you just give me a couple of dollars?" I replied, "dude, it's not greasy, it's ORGANIC, fantastico mi amigo" he countered, "naw man, i have stomach ulcers...can't eat that stuff" Are you kidding me? was someone filming this for a reality tv show. first he did not know what it was, then he's telling me that because of various issues he's having lately, he's been forced to change his diet over to something a little healthier. now, listen...i'm all for keeping the world a healthier place. i like to recycle...but...ahhgg...what's the use. anyways, i would like to go back to his other statement, "could you just give me a couple of dollar?" where on this earth, besides the backdoor discounts I get @ the Hendersonville, NC Co-Op, could you ever get something that won't hurt your ulcers or be greasy for 3 bucks? please someone speak up right now, and let me know just where this mystery place is because the only place i saw in walking distance was churches chicken, and i forgot the last time my cholesterol didn't get rocked at iglesia de pollo. so, anyways, i rolled home after racing like a turd, and having my teammate steven take a nasty crash....on to saturday which saw me once again pulverize myself on the front and in the breaks to only finish top 20. oh well, at least it pays the entry fee. eric, you know what to do.
y...i know many of you are gasping for air because it comes as a complete and utter shock to your little systems, however; once upon a time a chic threw me to the wolves. so i know how the guy, mr.notsoperfect, feels, however; he's been a complete idiot, and unfortunately has gotten what he deserved. it's a shame because now i am putting her, shira, out on to the open market for you, my audience of 90% single males. let me give you a little background. i met shira @ one of those 'go power, authority, leadership' schools for the comany XYZ that we work for so faithfully. i noticed then that her brain power was something on the large scale. in fact, it hurt my head to think about all the complex processes and algorithms that were generating in her noggin. but, anyways, once we got passed that i saw that she's a pretty cool chic who really enjoys cosier food, and talks funny because she's from chicago. she was currently dating mr. notsoperfect, who at the time i referred to as mr. perfect because the guy seemed to have it all. he spent his spare time rescuing animals who were on the endangered species list, singing old war ballads to sunken war vets in nursing homes, washing the main of old horses who were past their prime, working out foreign peace policies with those par
ticipating in NATO, and when he got extra time...he even greeted at Wal-Mart for free. This guy scholastically made most of us look stupid, and just seemed...well ya know...pretty flawless. well, his biggest flaw was that he had shira as a trophy to go along with his accomplishments instead of a buddy, and girlfriend. so, she did what no one thought she could do, kicked him to the curb, and now is out there...waiting for one of you to dial her number. i am willing to sell it to any of you for $2K. I do apologize for the obvious, and ridiculous extortion, however; i need a new set of wheels. enjoy the holiday!
