there are no words in the english language to describe what happened today around 8:10pm. That's why I would rather refer to the Spanish Language here: el estómago me odia.
I have told you in the past that I am actually legend at Monta Albon of Franklin, NC. I showed the establishment what it means to eat with no conscience and cry for mercy on the last bite. They respect me there. I thought after leaving work tonight that I should add to the legend. I felt like Micheal Jordan when he came out of retirement. Why not try to win another championship. Why not try to eat the BIG MAN'S COMBO...one more time...and do it for Al Gore. That's right, I dedicate what happened to Al Gore, and Tipper while I'm @ it. And why you might ask? The answer is clear...I'm so delirious from the amount of food I've eaten and is still lodged in my esophagus, stomach, colon, liver, kidney and every other major organ, that those are the first 2 names that came to my mind. It's funny the clarity you get when your body can no longer perform regular duties. My brain is concentrating only on keeping my heart beating and my fingers typing. Allow me to recount what happened between 8:10pm and 8:33pm. We went and got right to ordering...no hesitation. When I say we, I mean your stuff 
narrator and my faithful eating accomplice, Brownie. When I arrived the waiter new what I was there there for. I ordered in English, and he persisted until I finally spoke to him all in Spanish. It was like Spanish 101 in college when the teacher knew it was too early to ask you what you ate last night in Spanish, but they just kept on until you said, "Soy un caníbal. Comí a mi compañero de apartamento. ¿Está contentos con usted esa respuesta?" Anyways, I took the privaledge of ordered for both of us like we were on a date, but that's only because I did not want Brownie to have the opportunity to back out. That is when Eric told me that the last time he attempted to eat this meal and failed that he ended up on the toilet f
or 3 hrs, and numb. I told him to head down power through(K that was for u!) Real men vomit on themselves, wipe it off and ask for desert. We went did a couple of breathing exercises and talked about the good times in case we didn't make it back from this adventure. Eric puked himself 3 times in fear. I told him not to fear the BIG MAN COMBO, but instead to embrace it. Every time the kitchen door swung open, I could feel my heart race out of pure fear. The food came, and we took the regular photos and signed the restaurant wavers. So many men have fallen when they took this meal on that most don't want to tangle with it. The other restaurant attendants quickly grabbed their kids and ran out. It was like watching 
a gun fight. I went right in. I ate the first plate and only blacked out twice. Eric said that I was convulsing...but I feel like that's just useless chatter, ya know. After the first plate my left arm was definitely numb, but that's the price you pay for being a high class athlete(this might not be the time to mention that I have a TT tomorrow night, and a Crit on Saturday). Eric soon caught up after we had the medic
take a listen to his vitals. He said that he had a 50/50 chance of not pooping his pants, so we continued. We lost the ties, and kept working through. You know that feeling that you get when you've been on the merry-go-around for about 2 hrs...yes, well if you say yes, then we probably need to talk about what the heck you are doing on one of those for that long. In fact, what are you doing on one at all. What's wrong with you? Those are for little kids...wait...back to the story. Anyways, Eric remarked that he would just eat it as fast as he could, and that he thought he might just pour water out onto the rest and drink it. It was not a bad idea, so I just grabbed the Salsa and did...well 
you see the picture. It was about that time that I realized that I still had to ride the bike tonight with some hard efforts...I also realized that I'd have to throw the bibs away after I was done. Eric came up on the home stretch on plate #...heck I don't know...who knows...I lost vision in my right eye after the salsa shooter. I'll admit before it gets out that Yes, I did start crying mid meal, and Yes I did pee myself. But, geez, I've done it on the bike anyways. I figure it's all fair game. I'm a guy, and we're built for this stuff. We are naturally loosely fit together compulsive idiots, and thoughtful metro just ain't me baby! Eric has 30% his plate left and he dry heaved. And his hands started to shake. He called this shaken baby syndrome. I noticed that his tint was 
now a little yellow in his face. Apparently he was backing up. It's sad watching a horse race when the horse breaks his leg, and you know...well you just know that it's dogfoodville for the old boy. 
Take old yeller out behind the shed kids. It was about that time that I started to buckle under the pressure as well. I saw the sun, and felt like my internal organs were trying to play musical chairs in my body cavity. You might think that this blog is a bit much, rehearsed, or maybe 
played up, but people...we took one for the sake of another victory for the mantle. Even though I was on the verge of giving it all back to the plate, I thought I better ram as much in my mouth as I could while my brain was not looking...ahh yes, i'm a smart boy. After much pain, doubt, shouting and yelling matches about how we did not come this far to turn back, talk about how we are not quitters, and about how some day we'll be in the history books for the 2 guys who ripped a whole in their stomach linings with one meal, we succeeded in destroying TWO BIG MAN COMBOS. Write it down, talk about, make a movie, draw pictures of us, shake our hands, build small monuments to capture the moment, don't worry about the pictures cause we have that handled, call us, congratulate us, sing songs of encouragement, dance around us, pat us on the back, call us champions, and hold our puke pans because in t
he 2nd Annual Running of the BIG MAN'S COMBO CHALLENGE, we proved to be more than mere small framed skinny kids who ordered the largest meal in Franklin, NC as well as the best thing that our corporate expense accounts could afford, we showed the world that the thought of having your stomach pumped, getting the shakes, staying up all night long in the bathroom with the latest copy of Velo News, having to have CPR done on us multiple times during the meal to survive was not only a necessary challenge, but it was history. Now, how many 168lb sprinters can do that? Hey, seriously if you know a few who can...don't tell me, i'd like to keep my ego right where it is until I go to the bathroom.
narrator and my faithful eating accomplice, Brownie. When I arrived the waiter new what I was there there for. I ordered in English, and he persisted until I finally spoke to him all in Spanish. It was like Spanish 101 in college when the teacher knew it was too early to ask you what you ate last night in Spanish, but they just kept on until you said, "Soy un caníbal. Comí a mi compañero de apartamento. ¿Está contentos con usted esa respuesta?" Anyways, I took the privaledge of ordered for both of us like we were on a date, but that's only because I did not want Brownie to have the opportunity to back out. That is when Eric told me that the last time he attempted to eat this meal and failed that he ended up on the toilet f
or 3 hrs, and numb. I told him to head down power through(K that was for u!) Real men vomit on themselves, wipe it off and ask for desert. We went did a couple of breathing exercises and talked about the good times in case we didn't make it back from this adventure. Eric puked himself 3 times in fear. I told him not to fear the BIG MAN COMBO, but instead to embrace it. Every time the kitchen door swung open, I could feel my heart race out of pure fear. The food came, and we took the regular photos and signed the restaurant wavers. So many men have fallen when they took this meal on that most don't want to tangle with it. The other restaurant attendants quickly grabbed their kids and ran out. It was like watching 
a gun fight. I went right in. I ate the first plate and only blacked out twice. Eric said that I was convulsing...but I feel like that's just useless chatter, ya know. After the first plate my left arm was definitely numb, but that's the price you pay for being a high class athlete(this might not be the time to mention that I have a TT tomorrow night, and a Crit on Saturday). Eric soon caught up after we had the medic
take a listen to his vitals. He said that he had a 50/50 chance of not pooping his pants, so we continued. We lost the ties, and kept working through. You know that feeling that you get when you've been on the merry-go-around for about 2 hrs...yes, well if you say yes, then we probably need to talk about what the heck you are doing on one of those for that long. In fact, what are you doing on one at all. What's wrong with you? Those are for little kids...wait...back to the story. Anyways, Eric remarked that he would just eat it as fast as he could, and that he thought he might just pour water out onto the rest and drink it. It was not a bad idea, so I just grabbed the Salsa and did...well 
you see the picture. It was about that time that I realized that I still had to ride the bike tonight with some hard efforts...I also realized that I'd have to throw the bibs away after I was done. Eric came up on the home stretch on plate #...heck I don't know...who knows...I lost vision in my right eye after the salsa shooter. I'll admit before it gets out that Yes, I did start crying mid meal, and Yes I did pee myself. But, geez, I've done it on the bike anyways. I figure it's all fair game. I'm a guy, and we're built for this stuff. We are naturally loosely fit together compulsive idiots, and thoughtful metro just ain't me baby! Eric has 30% his plate left and he dry heaved. And his hands started to shake. He called this shaken baby syndrome. I noticed that his tint was 
now a little yellow in his face. Apparently he was backing up. It's sad watching a horse race when the horse breaks his leg, and you know...well you just know that it's dogfoodville for the old boy. 
Take old yeller out behind the shed kids. It was about that time that I started to buckle under the pressure as well. I saw the sun, and felt like my internal organs were trying to play musical chairs in my body cavity. You might think that this blog is a bit much, rehearsed, or maybe 
played up, but people...we took one for the sake of another victory for the mantle. Even though I was on the verge of giving it all back to the plate, I thought I better ram as much in my mouth as I could while my brain was not looking...ahh yes, i'm a smart boy. After much pain, doubt, shouting and yelling matches about how we did not come this far to turn back, talk about how we are not quitters, and about how some day we'll be in the history books for the 2 guys who ripped a whole in their stomach linings with one meal, we succeeded in destroying TWO BIG MAN COMBOS. Write it down, talk about, make a movie, draw pictures of us, shake our hands, build small monuments to capture the moment, don't worry about the pictures cause we have that handled, call us, congratulate us, sing songs of encouragement, dance around us, pat us on the back, call us champions, and hold our puke pans because in t
he 2nd Annual Running of the BIG MAN'S COMBO CHALLENGE, we proved to be more than mere small framed skinny kids who ordered the largest meal in Franklin, NC as well as the best thing that our corporate expense accounts could afford, we showed the world that the thought of having your stomach pumped, getting the shakes, staying up all night long in the bathroom with the latest copy of Velo News, having to have CPR done on us multiple times during the meal to survive was not only a necessary challenge, but it was history. Now, how many 168lb sprinters can do that? Hey, seriously if you know a few who can...don't tell me, i'd like to keep my ego right where it is until I go to the bathroom.
5 comments:
i still cannot figure out what you actually do for work besides charge mondo burritos + accoutrements on the company tab. but it's okay. i think that i know what i need to:
1. has fat dogs
2. likes bikes
3. likes to eat
4. loves a woman named mrs. robinson
5. uses strange plastic voodoo figurines to guard his vitamins
6. reads my blog, either out of boredom or to check the spelling of words like "accoutrements"
NO DAIRY!!!
ya my body is clogged with the dairy right now...we all make mistakes
That blog is blog-tastic.
U suck
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