El Tigre

I don't even think I need to comment.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS...how about some monks!

Countdown 7 Days

Union City has a pharmacy with some character. You all know that I do not or will not promote the drinking of alcoholic beverages, however; this picture represents just how important it is to the beer drinking community of UC, TN. Two aisles, not one are dedicated to this age old past time. I do not know if they have 2 sections due to the economic weight that has taken its toll on the "FOOT" industry, and this caused the "FOOT" section to shrink or if the shear numerous options of brewery out number the options of doctor shoals foot powders and callus and corn pads. You be the judge. But, the most important thing is that we saw this through the pharmacy drive-thru. My real question is, can one purchase a six pack of brew, band aides, and Nasonex all from the same drive through window? I ask merely for my own enjoyment and possibly another blog installment.

Back to marathon training --- I'm about to run out of this door and do an easy 5 miles. 8 miles tomorrow, and then on to the light week before the storm exactly 7 days from now. Now that I think of it, if they have root beer at the pharmacy in Union City, after my legs lock down next Saturday, it would be quite convent to pull through, grab some Bengay and a six pack of IBC root beer.

Countdown 9 Days

Don't ask me where the other days went. Wait, I'll tell you. I think they went into yesterday's 17.5 hr work day. Please dear friends, don't pity your humble narrator, it doesn't happen often. And, under the current economy and situations that are rapidly unfolding in the world, I am quite pleased to have a job, and come out unharmed one day later. Now, how does this affect one's marathon prep? I'm glad you asked, but first --- I will have the world know that I found a great steal on outdoor hiking/trail shoes. At Fred's Dollar Store, where things are far more than a dollar, but let's not take that out on Fred or the company's current CEO. Let's face it, they had to expand and Fred was dead(he is right?). Anyway, in haste, I proceeded yesterday under a very interesting circumstance to find myself at Fred's so that I might purchase the proper footwear for the day's adventure, only to find that the Dr. Martin sale they were promoting for $40 was not what I was looking for. After a brief bathroom panic, I found a pair of shoes that I would say are "como" any good pair that Teva, North Face, or even Keen have produced. Either they were waterproof or my foot was so soaked that he had gone numb. In either case worked fine because I still have all of those piggies operating just fine today. It is a $20 steal, and I suggest you check it out. And, yes for those of you with mammoth feet, I found a size 13! They even have a killer deal on Christmas trees. As for the marathon update, I need more sleep and more cafe. Chao.

Countdown 11 Days

My legs feel like jello, and I probably need some advil. Do they sell Lee Press On Legs? It's a rough feeling when you feel your legs breaking down, and all you can do is look down and pray that they don't break in half. They kinda felt like they were on fire.

Countdown 12 Days

Cannot say I am a fan of Coke. Call me silly, but there's just something about tar burning acid, hydrogenated oils and high frutose corn syrup that's makes me happy. But, after you run your heart out for 14.5 miles (5.5 miles short of the goal), you'll take anything you can get your hands on...I blew 1045 of hard earned calories on a gut wrenching jaunt on the ole treadmill. I could have just eaten a couple spoon fulls of mayo. Lard anyone? Has anyone ever inhaled crisco? I gotta sleep.

Countdown 12 Days

I was told today by a kid who raced on one of the best college cycling programs in the US, "Marathons are the best things in the world if you can actually run them. You feel every emotion that you could possibly feel in the course of 26 miles." I agreed and for about 2 hours felt the motivation that was necessary to run the 20 miles that I should have run last night. Today after ramming my gut full of MSGs at good ole House of Taipai, I felt the need to make up the sleep I was shafted all this week (there was definately a 2 hr sleep night this past week). After a nap, I realize that I have to push this run to tomorrow after work. This run is looking less like training and more like a nagging cough. How does anyone run an ultra?

Countdown 13 days

The marathon is getting near. I can just smell the discarded GU packs. I can envision the people scurrying for Porta Potties. I know the sign of someone who is faking a cramp because they are done...finished...tapping out. As I wait for my Five Guys burger and fries, it hits me that the next two weeks will require mega sleep and monk like diligence. Its time to channel the inner Zen, drink water, get my chi right, and breathe deeply. It's a call to be organic and think clarity...oh wait, they just called my number, they better have put Mayo and A1 on this thing -- I need a milk shake.

nice

I wanted a shot out

Sure, he had to hear me munching on doritoz late night. Yes, there was the time I forced him to walk 4 miles in the rain. I do vaguely remember a time in Judo class when I made him bleed. But, at the end of the rainbow, look who ended up a big time artist!

I might even make this short

Rant #1: First I assumed that it would be rude of me to boulder at a cemetary. Upon this act of respect and overall creepiness, I paid 14 bucks to climb at one of Charlotte's two indoor spots(since there is really only one "indoor" spot, you can do the math). So, when you haven't climbed in a while, it's a bit pathetic. Your arms do the standard jelly, non-working manuever. You aim to look cool, but instead look like someone removed most of the major working muscles in your arm. That's ok ya know because there were a ton of kids around. But, since I chose to return to the bouldering area instead of top rope climb like the rest of the place, I put myself in the room with the elite folks. Ya know, the ones that stare at the wall for 30 mins moving their hands in the air in front of them like they are miming cats pawing at a scatching post. So while I was struggling at best trying not to look like a total waste of $14 in front of my wife, some chica comes out of no where with her "typical" climbing tank top and spandex pants that doubled as Class A Yoga, down by the water, half moon, Rodney Yee style knickers --- she says excuse me. This was not in the, can I get by, kind of excuse me...it was more of the "you are blocking the wall that I want to show off on" excuse me. So I moved to the side even after realizing that she intended to show me up, only to realize that she was slapping me on the other cheek that was already turned when she dragged MY drop mat into my feet, thus excusing me, and climbed up and down the wall.

Rant #2: Well, I won the war of leg pain on Saturday. As most of you know, mile 17 has always been a hard mile marker for me when it comes to running. But, as I raced past 17 without serious distress(let's be honest folks, anything after 1 mile hurts bad), I noticed that I have a new arch enemy, mile 20. So, this goes to you mile 20, it's 4 more weeks until the marathon, and something tells me that you better just go ahead and pass the torch of pain, regret, and agony off to one of my other friends, mile 26.2.

Rant #3: I officially endorse O'Reilly Auto Parts over Autozone. I find the prices to be about the same plus, I don't have to step one foot on HWY 115 to get there. Plus, I always support the Irish. You all know I appreciate things like Irish Resturants for their fantastic food. And who doesn't like a good bowl of lucky charms. We don't have one millimeter of Irish in this family, however; I will keep supporting Notre Dame when my wife is not looking, and the people who sit with their gold pots at the end of the rainbows.

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to go bouldering in a cemetary? I mean, some of the best rocks are lying dead(no pun intended) in the middle of tombstones. AHHHH --- What do you do? But, let me pause in the middle of this dilema to ponder something different ---

There appears to be great irony in an ironical situation or statement as you would assume. But, case in point would be an unnamed set of folks who talked to my wife and I just the other day. They told us that they hated when people wasted their time talking about random things that made no sense and had no baring on their original conversation. So, they like we all, engaged in long moments of "fake talk." I tell you that "fake talk" always leads to someone(most of the time YOU) getting roped into situations that you would have rather not. Take this moment to reflect back to the last time you were forced into that xmas party that you really didn't want to go to. When you think back of the invite, it started with them asking you to go, and you in your agreeable, happy mood quickly agreed, but assumed that your husband/wife had something planned that would get you out of the situation as to not make you seem like a jerk...you know the rest of the story. You spent the most boring 6 hours of your life laughing at jokes that are not funny on any level, you smiled so much that your checks were sore for a week, and you probably committed to more "outings" that you never would have been linked to had you just not "fake talked." So, back to the ironic situation, those folks speaking to my wife and I filled our ear with several minutes of idle chatter to fulfill the prophecy of irony, and told us a bunch stuff that had nothing to do with our meeting, and thus...followed through the with pure irony of the ironical situation.

Case in point --- this blog, you have sat through yet another ironic blurb meant to deter you from these type of ramblings, and you know what, you'll watch this sweet bouldering video, and why? Because you would rather do that then fake talk.
Chao

Vets, I Salute You!!!!

Now, this is worth having a holiday. To all the folks who have and do sacrifice their lives for freedom, I say thank you. And, since I am on the video kick, I offer a clip from my favorite war movie from 1941 --- Thanks Gary Cooper.

I just coughed up my lunch

Well, maybe marathons are not that hardcore after all. I need to raise up my game....

CrossFit Champions Oktoberfest Obliteration from CrossFit Champions on Vimeo.

el grabadora

Because I need sleep more than the blog needs more words, I will leave you with a highly inspirational video of an ultra marathon. I think I teared up. Oh by the way, how about an American taking the men's NYC marathon. Not too bad!

Legs 0, BoJangles 1

I hear that they used Bojangles to torture the weak. This stuff is like cocaine. If I had been a character on Miami Vice, I would have been the one they busted down for 2 kilos of BoRounds. Since I'm in the middle of training not to quit a marathon, you would think I would shy away from this type of consumption, but it's vacation you know. Can you get Bojangles stains out of pleather? Don't ask. Here's some advice, when you beep in the metal detector, and they tell you it's probably your keys...don't comment that it might be your gloc. Just a suggestion.
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Snap!

Your eyes don't deceive you. That leg is a goner. No sooner did I applaud this chair's ability to "hang in there" did I have to grab the counter and computer keyboard in a desperate attempt to stay upright when the Jericho chair came tumbling down. Now perhaps some might see my insistent pursuit to mend this old soldier as a sort of marching around the wall(please see Jericho wall biblical reference), but I see it as just putting a little oxygen tank in hand and continuing to roll along. I want you all to know that this in no way stopped me from sitting in the chair. It is now a tripod of sorts. Heck, that's how ttthe pppyramids wwwere ccconstructed(yes, on purpose), and they are still around. I wonder how the three legged dog feels about this experiment?

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Here's Another Hit Barry Bonds Part 2

I bet all you skateboard kids are getting all pumped. You can just hear the curb being grinded down by shards of metal from skateboard trucks. You are even envisioning yourself pulling a nollie switchfoot to 50/50 on the bumper of an old crusty car. Yeah, I hear ya. But, you know what I see? It's an accident waiting to...that already happen. It wasn't even eight years ago that a scene very similar to this got ugly real fast. I believe K said, "show me how to do some tricks." We were young and both still on our parents' insurance so I thought, why not. An unassisted ollie(not my choice, you see K-Mizzle is a little bit on the independent side) led to a slip, fall, bad-a-bing bad-a-boom, and we've got ourselves a busted forehead(that sounded like a ham hitting the pavement) and a broken elbow. Thank you surgical staff of the Fort Knoxville Baptist Memorial Hospital for your fine stitch work. And to you, Mrs. Unnamed Nurse, who came to assist an older gentleman in a wheelchair on oxygen I believe, but somehow thought it a better idea to attend to a young girl with blood all over her and her young boyfriend with a bloody hand(from holding the shirt to her forehead --- but the mixing of the races did make this look like a "let me do all the talking" situation). Oh, and who could forget Knoxville's finest --- shot out to Rudy Bradley for telling me to be quiet and let the bloody girl with the broken elbow on the verge of passing out, do the talking. Advice to the wise and those who don't believe in free health care that I am paying for....wear knee pads and a helmet. OUT.
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I like the rainbow

Well, you all know how I feel about Cadel. I have used names like: cry baby, paper champion, hypocrite. Today, I turn over a new leaf and stop being a hater. He's just flat out strong. But, the main reason I will cheer for him is that he's finally started attacking, and his kit is sweet. Now, maybe he'll pass this valuable information on to George Hincapie (YOU MUST ATTACK TO WIN).

Bum Leg

You tell me that you've got problems, and I will tell you to have a conversation with my last of 4 dining room chairs that is slowly dying a little more everyday. We actually went to ikea and replaced the whole set only to find the newbies to be defective and hotter than a tin roof in africa during a drought. So the chair search is on, but in the meantime it means that this poor guy needs to either get some crutches or tap out.
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Verizon Network

On a side note: Apparently, I am running for Huntersville congress or something.

The verizon network is dependable to say the least. Their commercials show the true picture of just how good the service is. Although here recently, I have realized that the network is also like a bad case of the chicken pox. You cannot shake them. I decided to take a vacation to West TN. As I drove further and further into the belly of absolutely no where, I could see members of the network hanging tight in Black SUVs behind me. No matter which exit I took, they were there. From time to time a few would fall back(due to coverage I suppose), and I saw a car pull over for a bathroom break in the woods - which explains the dropped call issue. So, picture me out on a wildlife protected natural watershed refuge enjoying sometime fishing, and guess who shows up in boats....THE VERIZON NETWORK! I thought this was the one place that I would be completely free from a phone call. While they were out water skiing, my phone started ringing...awesome! Thank you verizon network, however; you guys still don't have a trick to overcome the dead battery! YES!
Don't they have anything better to do?
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Bor keeps it real

When I get home from work, I am first greeted by the cats, next the dogs, then BOR(first three letters of my last name backwards). BOR is the garden gnome that lives in the front yard. He has received a lot of criticism and slander over the past year, but hopefully this post will get him a little redemption. No, he is not related to that sell-out Travelocity gnome. He keeps it real. He's still smiling throughout the seasons. When it snowed over the tip of his hat, flooded the mulch under his feet, the wind slung him into the tree, the cats used him for target practice both for ninja class and waste disposal dry runs, not to mention the high heel to the face(yesterday), he always remains calm. His hat has lost some color, and because of the weathering, it was suggested that he move to the backyard. What would any self respecting garden gnome do in the back yard? I plan on replacing his current outfit when the day arises with something proper - orange and white, head to toe.


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Best 2 out of 3 for Mathias

Normally vacation is decided by my wife. In years past, I have said. that I didn't care where we went, as long as, I was not at work. Due to a higher level of stress this year, I have a different outlook on my vacation. I cherish it like a small baby seal that is covered in oil and sand after a tanker mishap. So, all normal vacation suggestions have just gone right out of the window. So, we decided to do it biblical style --- cast lots aka drew out of a hat. Upon pulling the first one out it fell directly into my Saturday cup of joe, to which K and I both count automatic disqualification. I also refer to this as a "sure sign.". Too superstitious? I might as well be in Athens. The lot fell on K's choice. It was rigged.
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House Divided

I am a Titans fan; my wife is a Steelers fan. If TN had a secondary, I might not be listening to her yell and scream about how good her team is. *Sigh* Here's some advise from a guy who only played junior high football(although I was second in the state in rushing...I have the VHS to prove it), when Big Benio pump fakes the ball 17 times in your direction, HE MIGHT JUST THROW YOUR WAY!
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Brother?

Let me start this in my defense, I do not look like michael Jackson. I even tried to tilt my head and put on that "She's Bad" smile to match this issue of GQ, but still no match. I am merely doing this to silence my critics who always say that I look like Mike back in the day when he was harmonizing
"Say, say, say" with Paul Mc. And so what if the homeless dude who sat by CVS off Cumberland in Knoxville awoke from his afternoon nap to ask me for change and then yell,"OH WOW, IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!" I still believe it was staged. The facts are facts, my moon walk is too slow, I never had a jheri curl, although I can do the thriller dance better - I would have not worn a red jacket, and to top it off, I'd never have a zoo at my house. I don't like the random cats who come to my house now. Imagine the dead zebra I forgot to feed. So, in short:
- no we are not related
- I never wore white socks under dark pants more than once
- my high waters are because of my odd waist to inseem ratio, nothing else
- I would have advised Tito to die his hair blonde and join THE ROOTS to break out of my shadow.

Annie are you ok?
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Nike's New Man

Tiger is yesterday's news. That red shirted winner is no longer the focus of the regular man's golf affection. But, pictured here in the pink, giving a lecture to those around him about the perfect swing is America's next top model, Fabi. Tiger vs Fabi. Now, you might not have seen him in the latest edition of GQ, however; he's a stud and the master of a tangling, circular conversation. The best part is, despite his twist and wiggle shake before hitting the ball, he normally hits it straight and long. And, why do you ask will all the golfing community flock to this new model of success? Well just ask him, and he'll tell you, he has to carry every teammate he's ever had, and he's none too scared to take a mulligan.
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what age stops the sippy cup?

I am far from a kid expert. Shocked right? But, don't the folks at restaurants have an idea about ages and the type of cups they get? Take this young lady for instance. She obviously is still concentrating on trying not to drool all her fluids out and hold her head up. Once again, this comes from the guy who thought his nephew would be able to wrestle and throw the football around at 6 months. I still haven't learned much since today I referred to giving birth to a big baby by C-section as "highly painful" coming out. Did I miss the kid class 101? Anyways, before they walk but after they start crawling, you might be able to make them be a good little girl like this and sit in a chair, but there is no way they can grab a mug and drink a frosty OJ down. And guess what, putting a lid on it, won't make the blunder much better. They might as well brought out the "Operation" board game and had her try to take out the wishbone. At what age do they leave the house? That's the one I'm interested in.

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I'm back?

Well, I cannot say that I'm for sure officially back. Ikm not shaving my legs or anything yet, however; this picture does prove that I was up beforee the cows getting some saddle time in before that dang cows woke up. But, word to the wise if you choose to follow my lead - school buses don't take kindly to cyclists! I think there still some yellow paint on my arm!
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Just Anotha Day in Da Jetto

Some of my best advise to anyone was the day I told Phil Will to keep her head on a swivel when she was in a nasty knife fight.  Things can escalate quickly.  There you are minding your own business, and someone knocks your organic fruit snack out of your hand, and says, "oh sorry, I thought you were someone else."  Well, regardless of who they thought you were, or think that you are, or even wish you were not...folks it's on.  It's on like the time the 5th grader said your mom was fat when you were in the 3rd grade, and you decided to take it to his/her head (yes, I said her...she should not have said that, and I think it's worth breaking the "don't hit a girl" rule if someone makes a comment about your momma).  So you pick up your fruit snack, pull the white glove out of your back pocket, and slap them across the face and declare a full state of "IT'SONNESS."  Now, this could go on for 1 minute or 20 minutes depending on the stamina of all parties involved.  I like the average of a 3 minute fight which seems like an eternity because no one ever includes the time it takes to stare your opponent down or the necessary trash talking.  Anyways, if possible, I think you should take it to them star wars style(pictured here).  That leaves a permanent mark and let's them know you mean bizness.  Yes, I chose the ebonical spelling to show just how serious I am.  Does anyone have any dental floss?  I've got some tofu stuck in my teeth.  It's hard in the Jetto(Jedi Getto).

Ready to Rock and Play

Yep, your eyes are not failing you. This kid likes punk rock. And once the paper work goes through and I am officially named the godfather of Jacob(pictured here), I will work hard to get him skateboarding without assistance. Why would I want to get a happy kid's knees all banged up? Well, this one is going pro. He's got the look, the energy, and his aunt Kim taught him how to say "Peez" when he wants more Goldfish. I want to pre-order a kid like this. Ladies get in line; he already has a pair of Chuck Taylors.
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The End of the Road

DRiego has left the building. So in some respects, Dustin Riego's stage left exit of UPS is a good thing; we will no longer be tortured by the super hot car rides to lunch. The picture provides full evidence to the "pre-driving procedure." Despite is "clear attention to detail," he still left us high and dry to work for the place we are all supporting with our Obama Bucks anyways. So in a sense Driego has out smarted us all. We applaud your hard work over the past 2 years, and we looking forward to footing the bill for your government job for the next unforeseen amount of years. Did you go over my helmet to get this job?

Two things that go together

I don't have a lot of hair. This is not because my mid-life oldness, which has yet to come at age 30, is here, but rather because my wife prefers it short. Also, hammering a comb through an afro would be cumbersome, painful, and my UT cap wouldn't fit over it. This does in no way decrease the amount of shampoo I find absolutely necessay to cleanse my hair. However, since I am a guy, soap is soap(except when you get one of those green tea exfoliating bars with the raised bumps on it). So, when I entered the bathroom and found 2 new bottles of stuff on the shower shelf, I just grab and use. Who knows where the stuff comes from. I don't buy it- it's either the home products fairy or my wife. Otherwise, we'd have nothing but the 100 count of hotel bars in the house(cheap, yet clean). I did notice quickly that there was a bottle of conditioner which I don't have enough hair to bother with, and some body wash which I am a big fan of. So I broke out my sponge and applied the body wash(yes, I said sponge- I have moved on from the standard poof...and yes, I also have a subscription to GQ, the free cologone samples are sweet-- thus my never consistent manly smell). I have enjoed these products for several days. It wasn't until last Wednesday when my wife remarked that the new comditioner is great, but the shampoo is terrible that I remembered that most people buy conditioner with shampoo, not body wash. So when she complained about the "shampoo" that was making her hair greasy, I wondered if the conditioner was really conditioner or mayo! I am a guy remember, if it's on the shelf we use it. And yes, I told her that she made a boo boo.

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Stay Perfectly Still

I would like to start this out by saying, "I am not making this up."

Every time I start a story off with that statement, most folks cross their arms, lean back and get. ready for another page of, "The Tales of Robinson." This one comes from page 35, under the heading "restroom time."
You see, there is this particular toilet at one of the facilities were I work that is just too ambitious. Its one of those auto toilets that flushes when the InfraRed light senses a change in conditions. Well, apparently this one is set to flush anytime an air molecule changes direction or even vibrates. This means that the "user" is subjected to a full jet stream of water. This not a problem if you have cleared the area or you enjoy the comforts of the French restroom amenities, but to be sprayed by a water cannon every time you exhale is an issue. It's just bad to come out of the bath room with the appearance that you just went surfing. I find myself holding it until the last minute to avoid the firehouse abrasion. I wonder how long I can get away with using the ladies restroom.
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15th Wonder of Raleigh

I am still picking bits of chicken out of my teeth. Let me give you a word of warning. The MILD sauce is really hot. I went into a bit of shock, drooled, and had to be laid down on the floor with a cold compress because of the spicy, lava hot salsa. Why did you do me like this, Mr. All Natural Healthy Americano Resturante? I support your organic greeness, and this is how you repay me? At least for entertainment I got to watch James struggle to eat 2 burritos. The first was a "mild" one. After he dusted that off, he had to face the reality that his 2nd burrito actually had "HOT" pasted to the side. If you've never seen a grown man cry, let me tell you, it's quite the experience.

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#1

One really good reason to have kids!
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Just another manic cafe

My happiness lies in a good cup of cafe. My last couple of out of country adventures landed me this sweet new cafe making device. Alex Holden, get yourself one of these. I had a little excursion in ole Winston Salem, NC last night. My sister-in-law put it best, "Winston's a weird mix: Yuppie Rich kids from Wake, Skinny Jean'd Art Kids, Low Income housing, and Old Money Cigarette families" all conviently slammed into a city with despite its terrain has a radius time distance of 10 mins. With that kind of diversity at your disposal, why not kick your feet up at the local gelato dealer and enjoy some cafe. By the way, my dogs after many years just realized that sleep with my door open. I got a face to face greeting this morning.
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What's expired mean?

Got a hankering for a snickers? Sometimes even the most organic eaters need a little caramel and peanutty goodness. This is especially necessary when you are hanging out in the Super Americado in downtown Atenas Costa Rica. But, pay attention to more than the HFCS and hydrogenated oils folks. When we are in the middle of baseball season, should you really still see snacks advertising the Super Bowl? Talk about shelf life.
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Super Heroes need three naps a day

Out cold. I don't think Andrew even flinched at the popurazzi style photo shoot that ensued when he zombied over to the front row and lost his little mind. Its this kind of freedom that I think should be extended to adults. What if I want to clear off the random reports and things that require signatures, coffee, Bobbie heads, and bag of chips to sleep on my desk. What is acceptable? I think 5/10 mins is not worth my time. But when will it be cool to just lower the head and pass out during a nice long boring conference call? "Julian, what are your plans going forward to correct this problem?...Julian? Hello? Is he asleep again?" Awesome. If I could muster up a snore, that would seal the deal. Conference calls are meant to either bore or embarrass. You can take a moment to digest that. Anyways, before a big decision about workplace naps is decided, its probably be best to get some folks together on a conference call and make a decision, but first I will need a quick 5 minute nap.

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Hearts Me

I personally think I am Mr. Kids. My wife recently told me that I have no patient with the little rug rats. I am evaluating her advice in a attempt to be more kid friendly. But, since I thought three square beatings a day was the norm, I guess asking for proper behavior from the under 9 year old age group may be asking for too much. I have noticed that my wife, who seems to rule kids with a cast iron fist, seems to get more, "I love you Miss Kim's" than I can count. So in search of my first ever unforced verbal show of affection from a little kid, I decided to bring the warm cuddliness to their front door. Guess were that got me? Well, a big smile, and an I love you bathed in ebarrassment from this little one. Now the experts tell me that she very well may hate me tomorrow so I should take it when I can. Julian - 1, Kids - 35, I am slowly narrowing the gap.

kobe vs lebron part 2

Nike,

Please keep it going!

don't trust them

Even though the police are here for our safety, this is exactly why I don't trust any of them. That's my opinion, however; the driver of this vehicle thought his injuries were from being thrown from the vehicle not being beaten by officers afterward.

kobe vs lebron

absolutely hilarious







This is my tribute to the playoffs.

Superheroes Die II: Superheroes Sleep

Here comes shocking fact #2: Superheroes take naps and sometimes straight up pass out. Normally this can be liked to being over worked - too much flying, overuse of xray vision, jumpers knee from leaping tall buildings, or something like that. However this came from the absense of the afternoon nap and the lack of body control. Both of these are linked to being very young. Superheroes have to start somewhere, and pullups and long naps is as good a place as any.
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PneverX day 13

You have seen the TV commercials about the exercise program that will change you life - P90X. Folks it will do more than change you, it will make you want to find the person who created the push up and hang him with an exercise band from a pull up bar. This stuff is modern day experimental torture. The sad thing is that I actually paid for it, $$$$ and then for the next hour while that highly annoying host told me how fit he was --- hey buddy, that's obvious! He's a 45 year old guy squating rep after rep while I hit the pause button to catch my breath and hydrate --- er - cry . At Day 13, I am proud to say that I have not become a bulky animal, and I have not named my pecks. The question is, at what point can you quit and still be a man? You know when you really feel like a man is when you eat a lot. Take this massive meal served up in Nashville, TN. Afterwards, I puked 7 times before I could get into the car. That is an exaggeration; however, it would have taken nothing away from the story. Real mean don't lift weights unless there is a chicken wing attached.
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If you are serious about your JAVA

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Bad Economy Part 2

Leave it to me to remind you of our economic delusions. Are we coming out of this? Will twinkies ever be traded as a valued commodity? That is likely. But even in this harsh times, I have been finding great solace in my morning cup of coffee. I know I previously quit and after some consideration found that the best way to kick the habit and subside any nagging setbacks was to think the situation over with a nice cup of joe. It was only moments late that I realized that I just tried my gullible self into a 4th cup. So now the morning cup is finding itself only second place to the morning refill, which is just playing the Bride's maid to the afternoon cup. Mind you, this does not even shake a stick at the night espresso. So what am I telling you? Kidneys like coffee not water. You see, Apparently the coffee has my brain fooled.aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Seriously?

I think there are a couple instances where an out of control illegal park like this one are warranted.

1. Perhaps you just made it home from a day long shopping trip to every single mall and grocery store in Charlotte with you girlfriend who you are trying to impress with your rugged durability and impressive ability to say, "ooohhh that's the best one for sure," to everything she has tried on that day. So when you dropped her off and barely made it back to your block and were forced to hit the emergency break and skid into your spot, miami vice style --- it is ok.
2. You suddenly realize that you left the house without DVRing the Office.
3. Aliens abducted you and they dropped you ride ever so slightly out of the sky after checking you our for 3 days and 3 nights while your mother-in-law happened to be in town. Those Aliens are uncanny with their timing.

Otherwise, let's face it; you are lazy and a bad parallel parker. This is not only uncalled for but matches and beats the time I crammed. My 1988 Cutless Sierra Special Edition Oldsmobile into a parallel spot reserved for a golf cart. I call it the "bump bump" method. Knoxville, TN's finest were not impressed.
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Belated Earthday

I was too busy burning garbage in the rusty oil drum beside my house yesterday to enjoy all the earth day fun. You know how it is. Is it any surprise that all the green planet hippies got all amped up and chained themselves to trees just a few days later to celebrated the cloudiest holiday of the year, 4/20. What a week for the hippies. Only if Bob Marley could see us now. You know I'm only kidding. I love keeping it green compost piling, recycling, yogaing, getting my nooma on. That's great and everything. But can someone please tell please tell the hippies that it's mean to the planet when you don't take a bath. Yep, I said it. You are scared to bring it up, but many a small animal have retreated in fear from a smoked out, smelly person. That's not OF THE EARTH to smell like vomit. I've never know anyone to be all natural because the smelled like a 20 day old armpit minus the old spice cover up scent. I feel more comfortable in a kiddie pool filled with Tink's # 5 special deer scent, FOX URINE. I love my hippies for all their hemp and sweet clothing, but I don't need to be the one to tell you to hit those pits with a couple of swipes of right guard. Oh, and yes, my vegan wife is hugging a tree.
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Superheros Die

Nothing is funnier than watching Super heroes die. I figure no true Super hero lives forever. Did you ever imagine what 90 year old Superman looks like? He probably did less flying towards the end because of his battle with gout and besides the fact that flying with a walker is a bit cumbersome. What is Wonder Woman with gray hair and a nagging bad hip? Wolverine with old dull nubbie claws? Can I get an Amen? Anyways, Andrew(pictured here) is pretending to be a dead Super hero with the uncanny ability to make a mean face and wiggle his legs. It's tough when it happens to the young ones.
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Babies?

You have to ask yourself, is this the hand that could hold a baby? I think I've been hearing all the pressure to reproduce a lot here lately. I discussed this long and hard today with my baby consultant, Mr. MAIN, aka, Mr. Australia. We seem to share the same views. Kids just might make us grumpy old men. I decided long ago(before I found out that you don't get to choose the sex of your child) that I'd take a girl. But today after some in depth consulting, I realized that a girl just means that I will have to take the life of several teenage boys in cold blood --- and like it. It's either that or pray for an ugly kid. Who does that? Who prays that their kid come out resembling an ardvark? Sure that helps pest control, but in general it's mean and expensive. Think about all the visits to the head doctor! We all know about I hate spending money. So let's just go back to my original question, does this look like the hand of a baby holder? Answer: no, that hand is occupied playing the Wii.

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You can tear down a house, but the TP stays

You can demo an old building, but you cannot keep down a good roll of Charmin.

Is it safe to help my dogs with their backed up bowl issues? The vet does this 1-2-3 cleansing technique that they charge me $40 to perform. I think you good folks are catching on. Sure it's sick, but I am cheap. Plus, no one criticizes the local farmer when they aid a cow giving birth to a bunch of little cows. We call him/her a hero and pat them on the back. What about the brave average person who takes it upon them self to free a dog from the infamous buttrun?
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madness

I'm not saying I like the pics I've made. I just call'em how I see them.

driving illegal

If I stopped an average person on the street and said, "excuse me miss, do you know when your driver's license will expire?" Do you know what she'd say? Well, since I've already tested this theory and know the answer, I will save you from answering incorrectly and being embarrassed. The answer is "nope." Actually the answer is, "No, and who are you --- some sorta psycho?" But, I don't think you need the details of that conversation. It's a shame how bent out of shape people get when you reach for their purse and ask to see their driver's license. Weird...anyways.

So I was on my way to Nashville for work. In the airport, the kind gentleman from the TSA who checks your valid photo ID and also is the backup custodian for terminal B looked at my ID and told me that it was expired. I gasped, and told him he was wrong. Then I realized that was a bad move, so I attempted to compliment him on his "good catch." That made me realize that I was eluding to the fact that I had been "caught" as if to say I knew and was trying to slip through. Folks, check your IDs! Who knew it was time? The DMV said they sent me notification. I said they didn't. They said that they didn't care what I thought because they have more power than the mafia, and if I want to be legal, I have to go to one of the most hated places in the world. Did I mention that no valid ID means you also cannot rent a car? Yah, not cool.

So, long story long, Friday after having my hand slapped on my way back to Charlotte in the aiport, I went to the DMV. I received my ticket that told me the order I would be served. Good ole number 208.

They were currently serving 192.

won't stick

What I am about to say won't stick to me if you put crazy glue on it. So don't try. Seriously, my skin is sensitive to that stuff. This next statement is so out of my character that I have decided to have an out of body experience and watch myself say what I am about to say. *drum roll* I think I am no longer terrified to have kids. Now, my wife initially took this as me saying that I am ready. Easy everyone. Easy. I said that I am no longer, sick at the stomach when I hear that Kim might be pregnant. I didn't say I was ready to be survived by a small village of Julian's. In fact, what would the world be like with 5 more Julian's in the world? I think there would be just five more children:

- addicted to coffee

- hard core fans of mike & ikes

- who view scientology as a good excuse to come back as a leprechaun.

Anyways, what do I know about kids? Until a few weeks ago I thought that jaundice was a jelly bean flavor. However, I now realize that it's an excuse for me to call into work. "Sorry, won't be able to make it in today, my jaundice is really acting up. Heck, I'm all orange and everything." And, if my kid was having diaper rash, I'd just assume he/she was chaffing, throw some nutter butter on it and call it a day. Constant crying means, someone's mad. And you know how I deal with mad people, I go to the other room. I hear that's not a good idea when a kid is sitting in a puddle of wetness. While we are on that topic, let's discuss. If you've peed yourself, let's not get all mad and yell at me. You peed yourself. Don't play the helpless roll. The only way you'll learn to use those hands is to start trying. Make a fist, and get it together. And, what's up with this child-proofing? My wife already Julian-proofed the house. I think that's good enough. There are not any cycling magazines in areas where we would sit and "talk." There are generally not sugary fun drinks in our fridge, and mike & ikes are forbidden(except on holidays). We have almost 100% converted to glass everything. I think this is because I try to microwave every container. And all of those should go in the dishwasher in my opinion.

Back to the kids. Everyone is terrified that a kid will put his or her finger in a socket. NOPE, fingers are too fat. NEXT? Oh, they will put a GI JOE gun, or a Barbie comb in one...NOPE, look people, kids cannot even put a square block in a square hole. When do you think they will get a hand steady enough to play Operation and guide something into that hole. Heck, I couldn't do it. But, Julian what about paper clips? What about them? I cannot find one when I need it. So, if you are gonna tell me that my kid is going to jab one in there, I will probably thank him/her for finding them. We've been looking for a while. Now for those of you who think that I'm cruel, cold, insensitive, or out of touch with the kid world. I'm only the latter. I only have dogs. Cut me some slack. I said I wanted kids; I never said I was an expert. My wife has also commented that she'd like to be taller, but we have yet to invest in a pair of stilts.