right to bear arms

There is more irony in the following blurp than I can actually include. But as far as I'm concerned, any story involving a rabbit & a shotgun has a good ending(You know I'm from Tennessee, and this should come as no surprise. My accent sounds like I just got off an aluminum fishing boat with Bill Dance)

I am forced to retract my early rash statement about the killers, my 2 little cats. I previously said that they fake it and actually don't "kill" anything. They just pickup on the misfortune of mice that have frozen to death or birds that ran into the glass. My wife awoke me this morning in a bit of panic, "Julian, please wake up, one of the cats is killing a rabbit outside, and the rabbit is not dead." My immediate reaction is --- fantastic, these cats are finally becoming contributors to the house. Heck, there are 4 frozen rabbits in the freezer. However, for peace in the family, I took the higher road(note, not the high road. we were already on that one). I put on my shoes and went outside to find 2 cats who had cornered a rabbit who had a pretty nasty bloody wound on the hind quarters. Apparently he had been involved in some sort of altercation. My guess would be a nasty knife fight. You have to keep your head on a swivel. Those things get out of control pretty fast.

Immediately, I did what a man should do. I walked in the house on a mission. It's almost like an odd midst of "can'thearyourwife-itis" comes over every man who knows that he's about to be able to shoot his gun. I think Kim was saying things like, "let's take him to the vet," "this is terrible," "I cannot believe those cats would do this," and "do you think he'll just die on his on?" Now, I had answers for all of these questions. I will quote a popular song from everyone my age's high school years, "I've got a problem solver and his name is revolver." Except in my case sub in "410 bolt action" for "revolver," and we have a top 40 hit. Kim actually seemed ok with me sending the bunny on to another land after she broke down a few times. I went to the secret hiding place for shotgun shells and was on my way back into the house when we noticed that there was a wrench in our plan. (update: by this point the cats had drug the mangled rabbit to a new place in the drive way while he tried to run away. even from my point of view, this was sad)

There was a member of Huntersville's Polica squad sitting down the road from my house trying to take down all the folks who left for work late this morning. You all know that I only really like British Policia, but I decided that I'd go down and have a word. So imagine you are an officer of the law, playing solitaire on your laptop waiting for lunch, and you see a 6'0" male with hospital pants and a sweatshirt sprinting down the road towards you with bright orange GO ROCKY TOP crocks on. What's your reaction? I think he finished his last hand of solitaire and then without rolling the window down heard my case. I told him that I needed discharge a firearm inside the city limits(although we are actually only 300 ft from the sign). He suggested a shovel. I told him that was not my kinda thing. He asked if it was going to die, and I told him "yes" with "assistance." He was enjoying the jokes and good times, so he said as long as I could do it quickly to have a go. I ran back, loaded up, scared the cats off, apologized to the now aptly named "Mr. Bad Day Bunny" out of respected, and said goodbye. Since, I'm on vacation, I got to come inside and enjoy an espresso after my morning kill.

Remember kids, you buy cats to kill things. Don't be upset when they drag something undesirable into your front yard. They are just doing their job. The cool thing is when they slip up, I show them how's it's done. The cop did stop by later to ask, "How things went." I love America.

restrooms on mile 12

marathons...i wish there was some honest person out there to write an article about marathons that would let the folks running them know what they were truly getting into. allow me to give you the run down really fast.

8am - start time. you're on the line with more folks that are out of your league than you can even imagine. most of them will be done, home, and asleep before you even cross the line. your sweet new shiny shoes, and running shorts are clear signs that you are the rookie who in about 2 hrs will be the guy hugging a light pole faking like you are stretching out.

8:30am - at this point you realize that this was probably a really bad idea. your thighs and calves are burning a lot more than usual. you realize that you started out way too fast. the excitement was high, lots of people were passing you, and you know that you still have @ LEAST 3+ hrs left

9am - the ipod is blaring the new Coldplay which is not really the best running music. you have to use the bathroom, and you're freezing because you spilled water all over yourself at the last water stop.

10am - what happened to 9:30am? who knows. you are pretty sure it got lost when you jumped the median ran past the porta potties IN USE, and posted up on a row of trees. your restless bladder is not the only one in the bunch. when you look around there are some 20+ guys gasping with relief.

11am - you realize that the winner of the race finished about 40 mins ago. you also realize that your knee hurts, and neither GU nor poweraide are appealing. the music has gotten better on the ipod, and the woman who was running beside you convinced you are that you are not running all the slowly. also, you now feel like a champ considering all the people who passed you were part of the half marathon crowd.

12am - that knee thing got nasty. you just peed in a bush beside some business with little shame, and your face looks like you've been slapped around by a Turkish monk. you were hoping that you'd only have about 15 minutes left in this race, however; the truth is that since your left leg is nearly worthless, you are just shuffling your feet

1am - done(well a little before this...but when you walk 9 miles, your wooden legs don't care what the clock says --- you survived)

and, after all that, you decide that you'll get revenge on the marathon and do it again.

the clock has always blinked

My wife is pretty clever. She picked up a phrase "us" folks in the south like to use. "God Bless" are the best 2 words to describe and attempt to bless some poor innocent soul who needs a pair of mental training wheels to keep going. Heck, forget the training wheels, give them one of those motorized scooters. While you're at it, why don't you just put them in a wagon and pull'em.

So, for all you single guys, I don't want this to push you away from the young lady pictured in the reindeer attire. She's as comical as she is an expert on national weather disasters(see TV behind her). Meet PhilWill, aka, PWHotDogs. You can break that name apart however you like, but I'd like to keep it all together, and when you marry her, you can break it apart however you like. But, in the following true life conversation, I would like to highlight some of the classic phrases used by PhilWill. Will you enjoy yourself? Sure. Will you hump over in laughter? Possibly. Will you spew your Cherry coke all over your brand new wife beater? Absolutely. Enjoy this interview.

JR: Phil, where should we eat? What's your favorite meal?

PWHD: I don't have one. I just like Ham & Cheese.

JR: Like a Ham & Cheese Sandwich?

PWHD: No, like I like Ham, and I like Cheese. Keep them separate. I love a good piece of Ham, and then over here, I like a good piece of Cheese.

JR: So, I get this straight, you like plain Ham and then plain Cheese? They don't do that at restaurants.

PWHD: Well, I like Ham with mashed potatoes, and then the other stuff.

JR: Wait, I thought you liked them by themselves and separate?

PWHD: Right!
JR: What am I right about? That makes no sense!
PWHD: What? I like Cheese

JR: That has nothing to do with it. So in this meal, does Cheese ever get mixed in? Is it on the side?

PWHD: Errr...no. I just like Cheese. Not in the potatoes.

------------------------------------

JR: why don't you set your dvd player clock?

PWHD: oh, it doesn't work, i mean, it works, but it's always blinked.

JR: have you ever watched a dvd on it?

PWHD: yes. i just don't remember when or even what movie i watched

JR: was it expensive?

PWHD: no, yes, no...not really...i don't even think it plays CDs. some do, but this doesn't.

JR: well, why did you unplug it?

PWHD: i didn't. never have. the clock has just always blinked

JR: (fixes clock, inserts CD, it plays)

PWHD: holy dvd player! i didn't know it worked. I unplugged it when I unplugged that lamp, which i plugged in behind that table, when the plug in under the rug had to be used to plug the vacuum in, when i unplugged the coffee grinder spilled grinds all into the plug on the counter.

JR: I thought you never unplugged it?

PWHD: i didn't

JR: You need to keep up with stuff better. i think you're growing old

PWHD: whatever, you probably have a BlueBerry(yes folks, this should have been BlackBerry)

JR: (buckles over in painful laughter with KoolK)

----------------------------------------------

PWHD: i think i'd be pretty handy in a knife fight.

JR: do you keep your head on a swivel?

PWHD: my head?

JR: do you watch your back?

PWHD: huh? that's so incomformatious.

JR: that is not a word.

PWHD: yes it is, it's a synonym for superflapbapulous

JR: Phil, you are making this stuff up.

PWHD: no, i'm not. I am the reading teacher for the richest school in the USA, you are being inperitewitritional, and acting vertigraticalouslylyly.

JR: I am definately going to call you out on that one.

United Memphis of America

long time friend and accomplice howell evans, aka, "gevans" proposes what could be the most ground breaking idea we've seen. at least, it's worth thinking about. and, i promise if you've had an espresso, this will be almost like when all those folks from woodstock ate plants and started seeing elephants. PC enough? Allow me to pickup where our conversation took off. I will skip our normal back and forth about how basic Tim Duncan is, or about how Texas Tech is weak, or about how much Howell would like to burn down both UofF and UofA campuses with one match. Let's get to the good stuff:

me: what's your address? i'll googlemap you

X42threatX: xxxx Bla bla Place South Memphis TN xxxx(sorry folks, I have to protect the slightly innocent)

me: wow, that's barely in memphis...you ain't getting shot at

X42threatX: it's always memphis you could be in nashville, and some crazy person here will find you

me: LOL so you're saying that the memphis city limits starts anywhere and everywhere

"CLICK CLICK"

X42threatX: correct sir

me: so, technically, i could get into a heated argument in my office parking lot, and in a matter of seconds, memphis comes to my front door

X42threatX: this is correct sir. it's more a state of mind then a city

me: it can actually be said that memphis is more like a state, THE STATE of the united states...almost like, the United Memphis of America. scary but true this sounds like a John Legend song.

So, there you have it. Pythagorean turned on its head. Gevans just unlocked the mystery of the universe. Memphis, TN is so dangerous that any time you see or feel violence, it is not even technically happening to you in your city, the memphis city limits have come out and met you right in your face. Don't be surprised if the next time your kid smarts off at you, they say, "sorry mom, I didn't want to say that, but the memphis in me came out again!"

oh oh a mouse

my cat, miss whitesocksmcgee, is a killer. She bagged a bird and brought him headless to our doorstep. This morning, she out did herself with a mouse. Although, I feel as though we should throw a flag on the mouse play because it was a little baby mouse who looks like he just froze to death and my cat brought it trying to fake a kill. I didn't see a bit of blood --- I'm not impressed with a fake kill. That's weak. Oh, and PITA, don't even bother picking up the phone because I'm not picking it up.

phone ejection

my wife has apparently had a fight with her phone --- a real duel, if you will. if you won't then stop reading, you are going to be the blog buzz kill.
anyways, i could not get the whole story yet, since i'm in memphis, aka, "THE M TOWN," however; it sounds like the phone has won the first two rounds. The 2 vegas santioned judges score the first two rounds 10-8 in favor of the phone.

we will continue our marathon talk. today i went far into the pain cave. 19 miles in there, and let me tell you, that's not a happy place. i think that's also the same place i keep the memory of kim sticking a lead pencil into one of my open wounds, or the time i got my finger slammed in a fire engine car door. yeah, not the place i'd like to take up full-time residency, but a few more weeks will do. how much can one man chaffe? oh, interesting question...the answer is: until blood runs down his leg. enter the pain cave. now, will this cause burning and irritation in the shower? we are stepping into the pain cave kitchen. how about after i've been sitting in the car 2 hrs to go watch alabama stomp down mississippi state with my father, and i get out of the car, and that same irritated area, which has pussed for the last 2.5 hrs, gets ripped away from from my jeans? you got it, open up the pain cave closet, and come on in, stay a while and put your coat on the hanger. why? why, the fun times you ask...because i do it for the kids...all those poor unfortunate kids who decided to sit on the couch and veg out playing their new playstation 3 consoles, and eating up mommies favorite chips, and snacks.

That's right Paula. I feel your pain --- except I was not as cool as you. I just ran over to a tree with a golf course on one side, and passing cars on the other. I picked between 100 year old men riding in golf carts and the memphis metropolis. Sorry Mr. Edwards and Mr. Green. Hopefully next week, the green on number 5 will use the artificial irrigation.

MARATHON 2

okay, this could be me - day after the marathon. Going for 15 miles tonight.

ELECTION'S DUN

whew. i was up to my armpits in old spice and bad election commercials. i know many of you are highly political and will get all offended, so i will just say that we have a new president, so start supporting him.

now, that's behind us, let's start concentrating on the real stuff. clay and i are in serious last minute training for this charlotte marathon. thank you angie mccurry for giving me another good reason to buy some bright shinny running shoes and quite possibly have my lefts wilt and crumble under the load of my skeleton frame. schedule? who needs a schedule. we are ad-hoc training as hard as we possibly can. tapering? recovering? huh? i'm sorry, I couldn't hear you because the treadmill's running. that's right. there's sweat on the keyboard. i actually have the sound of a guy running and panting on my ipod and i play it while i'm at work, while i run in place under my desk. it's pain all day everyday baby. i'm talking red alert, defcom 5 here. we've put in less miles than a newborn at this point. we've not sown but expect to reap a good finish come game day. i just found a couple of days ago that this thing is 26 miles. that's okay. it's only 20 more miles than i was planning on running. so who cares what all the experts say, we'll see you when it counts, Lord willing...game day - Dec 13th. Meet me at the start line with your finger on your stop watch, because 4 hrs later rain or shine --- i will be laying on the ground either in victory or right outside of the huntersville ER. it's game time chump.

CHIPS AHOY!

I used to enjoy them. we all did right. the chocolate would melt in your mouth. that beautiful slightly crunchy cookie that we all knew was genetically engineered. ahhhhh.

Now, on this day my superstar nephew, Camden Barber has been born. Some will refer to him as Mr. November. Others will call him, "HEY YOU, GET DOWN OFF THE TABLE WITH ICE SKATES ON, I WORK TOO HARD TO WATCH YOU SCRATCH UP THIS TABLE. WE BOUGHT THAT FROM INDIA. YOU KNOW SON, THE INDIA TRIP WHEN YOUR DAD GOT BIT BY THAT 34 FT JAVA RAPTOR SNAKE. THE ONE THAT 4 YEARS PREVIOUS HAD EATEN THE COUPLE FROM EAST GERMANY THAT BOTH HAD BEARDS. YES, YES, THE WOMAN HAD A TERRIBLE HORMONE ISSUE THAT CAUSED LARGE WHITE FLUFFY HAIR TO GROWN JUST ON HER CHEEKS. IT WAS REALLY A ROUGH THING FOR HER BECAUSE IT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO BRAID, AND YES...IT WAS BRAIDED WHEN THE SNAKE ATE THEM. THAT'S WHY THE SNAKE HAD THAT ONE LAZY EYE. SO GET OFF THE TABLE WITH THOSE ICE SKATES ON, OR ELSE I WILL MANGLE YOUR STICKY FINGERS WHICH HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN IN THE CAKE I BAKED FOR YOUR TWICE BITTEN FATHER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. YES, TWICE BITTEN BECAUSE BESIDES THE SNAKE IN INDIA, THE PARROT WE USED TO HAVE CHARLIE BIT HIM THE SECOND DAY WE HAD HIM. NO, YOU DON'T REMEMBER, BUT CHARLIE BIT HIM BECAUSE YOUR DAD IN AN ACT OF PURE HUNGER ATE ONE OF HIS SUNFLOWER SEEDS BECAUSE I WORKED LATE AND HAD NOT MADE DINNER. AND, WHY DID I WORK LATE? I HAD TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB TO PAY FOR THE TABLE YOU ARE CURRENTLY SCRATCHING TO PIECES. SO GET OFF THE TABLE AND STOP COSTING THIS FAMILY SO MUCH MONEY"

yep, I can see it now. or, i could be wrong about some of that. i'm not sure. i don't have kids. i just go on mission trips and get eaten half-alive by ants. yes, it happened, and i have the scars to prove it.

voting makes me tired

Did you really think I would do some 9 page blog about politics - blog to incite riots and get people all reved up and angry heading into the polls. Do you think I have the inside track on one of the candidates? Do I look like a politician? Please, no more Obama comments here. I look like a man who can really air guitar. That's where my true talent lies.

Since the last post:

- I have sucesfully failed horribly on the master cleanse some 1.5 days after starting it (Please check with KimRobinsonCleanseCalculations INC for days approximation)

- I have decided which presidential candidate(s) to not vote for

- I missed a dentist appointment

- mowed the yard

- decided to run a marathon, yes a marathon --- let's pause here:

Marathon running is not for the weak of heart or legs. It is painful, and rewarding --- painfully rewarding. What is the reward you ask? Well, while you are bent over at mile 20 gasping for any oxygen the atmosphere will allow you that you have not already attempted to get into your now 1 functioning lung after the other collapsed at mile 6, and Tina, the marathon volunteer, who is at this moment regretting even signing up for this thing because she had tickets to the New Kids on the Block reunion tour, but skipped it because Tammy, her cousin by marriage convinced her that this was a great way to motivate both of them to "get back into" working out, although we all know that going to the tanning bed and wearing workout gear does not mean that you actually work out, and that Jane Fonda Kickboxing VHS(BETA mind you) that has been collecting dust on top of the VCR for 12 years now is just a front, is hardly going to jump start much except an excuse to eat 3 bags of fries at Five Guys after the race because the shear thought of watching people work out makes Tammy hungry....anyways, so at this point Tina is holding an ice pack on the back of your neck, lying to you better than your 10th grade girlfriend did when she said, "it's not you, it's just me" 4 minutes before the breakup, and 10 mins after she got in Tim Willouski's 2002 convertible geo metro sport --- you know, the one with the racing stripe, and while Tina tells you that you are almost there, which in itself is one of the phrases she was taught to use to anyone with a pulse who looks light headed and needed a good pick-me-up on her list of "THINGS TO SAY IF THE MARATHONER LOOKS LIKE DEATH" checklist, and you know in your heart, that your heart itself is half asleep in there because let's face it...it knew, and you knew that there's no way you could complete 26 miles of torture, heck you get winded vacuuming. So where's the reward? Where is the pat on the back? Will you get a key to the city? Does this somehow give you the leg up on the 5K'ers who all with smiling facing crossed the finish line giggling about how this was "so great" and how they are "gonna definitely do it again next year, girl?" Of course it does not. The only thing this gives you is clearance to go straight to McDonald's and eat 2 big macs with extra mystery sauce, drink an upsized beverage of choice, and watch the rest of matlock while you sink into your sugar induced coma. You see, working out is for everyone!

Elfland's Finest

So this is why everyone buys those fancy GPS things. I sound like a really old man facing technology head on fighting it with both old wrinkly hands, while favoring the hand with that 1904 grade school conference championship ring on the pinky. Well, that's not completely true. The truth you ask? Read John 18:37-38 ah, yes so why do I need a GPS? Well, I guess it's because having Eric look up directions to the UPS center in Durham on our company intranet isn't all that accurate. I don't know if the IT guys were just having a good laugh, but their idea to put the directions, and google map to a similar road name in Elfland as the road that the UPS center resides in Durham --- was just not cool. so 2.5 hrs after leaving my home, I end up on a couple of random side roads, and 2 corn fields later, Eric and I are pulled over looking up the directions on Mappoint. Now, in most places in the world when you do this, no one messes with you, however; the good gun-toating brothers of Alamance county like to protect and serve with 2 sheriffs per vehicle. Hey, let's just keep the country safe from corporate, button-down wearing, youngsters in a Honda civic with Yakima bike racks on top. Please please, let's make sure they don't do any damage to the cows, chickens, and various other farm animals in nearby vegetation. They are probably out here for CM or something. Whatever...long story long...guns unclipped, nervous and shakey, they approached the car, probed us heavily, and then proceeded to tell us that we were not in Durham. Well, if my surroundings did not give it away, the brown-blonde handlebar mustache of these eager deputies definitely let me know who was in control. We were instructed to leave, get to Durham, and next time to completely pull the car out of the road. As we were told, there are big trucks around there. One of them might run right over us. That was absolutely true --- why it wasn't 5 minutes previous to these words of wisdom the time warner cable Ford Ranger rolled by us. Whew, this goes to you finger on the trigger, cow lick, smile big, and spit dip juice sheriff's department of .....

random meet on the side of the road (meat)

i've got insomnia. i say it like people get "the gout" or something. what is gout? doesn't that have to do with protein, iron, cholesterol or something? man, it all got confusing quickly. who started this conversation? this week has been all about working more than i should. you know when you work so many hrs that the kid bagging your groceries makes more per hour than you do? except the sad part is that i bag our groceries. self check out...i never get to be the person scanning. kim goes straight for that job because it's the cool one. plus, you can slip random groceries in...like Doritos. back to my recent disease. i cannot go to bed if i want to. i mean, could you look away from infomercials about nose clippers that don't use a blade, or how about the pads that you put on your feet and either suck the embedded aliens out of you, or they pull deadly toxins from your system, that otherwise would have surely killed you...or if not, they would make you get a nasty cause of insomnia. and yes, i know it melts your heart, but i'm a big ole kid magnet. they get in my arms and sleep....mostly because i stink.

what is this wierd fruit? Go ahead and try it!

we all know i will eat whatever...whenever...and yes, i ate a whole lotta strange and random food off the side of the road...in panama...it cost less, it taste better, and it promotes positive bowel action. coke? me? yes...yes i did. and, i'll do it again. but ladies, are you captivated by leo's distant, toyota futbol jersey -- up for 20 hrs without a nap -- sporting a new hair cut glare? i thought so.

this hotel is not the best

love my asheville, not big on my asheville hotels...

just go ahead and book early. that is advice i always like to give everyone. since i am a business traveler, i tend to build up a bit of confidence in my ability to sweet talk the real nasty folks at the counter into letting me get a room. now this has landed me in some pretty precarious spots, like -- the infamous handicap hotel closet room, the bloodstained mattress room, and the yes someone got shot her a few days ago room. 2 of the 3 were Ashvegas establishments. anyways, i got myself put into a not-so-upgraded hampton tonight because i did not book in advance. sweet. it has all the amenities, like a compaq presario 2K desktop out front. it is complete with a modem! how awesome (yes, the 2K does stand for the year 2000, and it was purchased...no doubt in 1999 - we're gonna party like it's...)

oh well, the grass is always greener on the other side and as long as i don't itch too much, i'll be quite well later on this fine week. panama is a'comin.

did i mention this year's tour de france is coming off quite splendidly. i'm a bit impressed so far, but did anyone see the clip of Maggie B saying that he just warms up easy doing 600+ watts for a minute??? WTHeck!

is this what lazy looks like?

I have not taken a vacation from work yet. who needs one? gas prices are so dang nasty that companies are tossing profits out of the door. you get your company as lean as possible, then comes the grim reaper of corporations known as mr. rightsizing. you may know him as mr. downsizing, however; he was renamed to be more politically correct. all you fundamentalists might try to argue the difference between the 2, but all of you are sitting in the corner office lighting cigars with dollar bills so keep your democratic opinions to yourself. since moving i have done very little of nothing in the way of working out. i basically retired from the world of cycling and really only have to ride about 2 more races this year to fulfill any obligations to the team i ride for. but, i realize that i really do like the sport. when valverde charged to the line and overtook mr. kim of columbia-highroad today in the 1st stage of the 2008 TDF, i was up yelling and screaming in amazement and happiness as the spanish national champion scored another win of his awesome career. did that sound like someone who's a big fan? fan? yes, i am...rider, i do not think so. i think i'm a bit burned out on getting beat in races and training like a madman, or else not being able to train very much but showing up to races and getting my teeth kicked in, or just a combination of all or none of the above. so where does that leave me on a saturday afternoon with lots of house projects, a BMC ready to ride, and a pair of running shoes needed to see some action as well? i'll probably drink a couple more sips of coffee, read the bible, and try to decide which is funnier -- 1) the way my wife KO'd 6 straight opponents on Nintendo Wii Boxing yesterday, and now she battles to even lift her arms do to severe soreness and middle back pain OR 2) the fact that i'm a raging athleteaholic sitting stationary bummed out because my motivation got crushed because i don't like to loose. FELIZ DIA!

mon-thurs

I think employeers should just take Friday out of the mix. no matter how you slice it, it is a worthless day. i am staring at tons of crap i need to do today. how much of it will i do. well, i will blog, get coffee, check my email, get more coffee, make lunch plans, confirm lunch plans, go to the vending machine(sorry kim), take a walk around the building, send emails to myself so that i know have some to read that i can handle right away without doing any real work, then fight about why we have changed lunch plans. every friday should be officially wild wing cafe day. you should eat the buffet of wings nonstop. although there appears to be a battle over wild wings cafe or buffalo wild wings or pile'em up bobs. pile'em up bob's breaks every rule known to man. they give you a plate loaded down with whatever you want for like 6 bucks. i'm not kidding you. how many of you can eat 8 pork chops? that's what you get. either way, i see in my crystal ball, a 4pm leave time and a full stomach. you see, what was the use of coming to work.

PICTURE: it's not fair for Oscar to race in US events. Did we forget what he's capable of? He's a TDF stop 20 guy. I bet he takes Philly on Sunday.

time management

who has time these days? when you say that you don't have time, you urged by all the time management books that you don't have time because you have not made time. interesting, that does seem to break the law of thermal dynamics, but we'll go with it. as i sit and read a book on time management, wondering how i will mystically create time out of nowhere to have a spot to do the things that i cannot get done because i am wasting time reading a book on managing my time, i realize that it's time to stop reading and go to bed. well, heck...by going to bed late because i spent time i did not have, but was learning how to create, while burning the time that i had scheduled for sleep, i put myself behind the 8 ball in the morning when i realize that i got very little sleep...upon waking up late, i have decreased the amount of time, so now i have NO Time...wait, i guess i should just create it with my magic time wand, oh...i don't have to do that because the time management book taught me how right...the one that i wasted time reading...so then i get to work...and get my self prepared for a Manager Leadership School by doing online learning assessments...one of which is...YOU GUESSED IT, a time management module, but while i tried to rush through it to create time, i realized that i was missing the point, so I opened up a couple of emails and multi tasked, as to not waste anymore time in my day on time management ideas. look how much time you wasted reading this...

Pictured: yes, yes...it's those radiohead boys. i got to see a concert just a little while ago...look at Tom in the back...sneaky fellow.

not safe

geez, it's just not safe to get on your bike these days...guess i'll turn into a driver who hates bikers instead...that seems safer.

green - i wouldn't swim in it

anyone have a pool that you want to saw down the side with a steak knife. yes, i want to go slow and make sure it's half dull. sure, it's gonna cause me a lot of work, and sweat, but in the end when the murkey waters of the green lagoon come sliming out onto my backyard...i'm definately going to give a few tiger woods fist pumps. yes, i'm talking about an above ground pool...aka...money pit. yes, i know in an earlier addition, i said that we would in fact be wading it up and throwing in into a giant recycling bin. But, we also said that we'd never own anymore cats, however; "White SoxMcGee" and "Cat #2" live on our porch. I think we hired them contract style to kill mice, but I'd contend that they basically are just going to eat a bunch of food, get fat, and retire early. dang democracy. anyways, so yes...the pool is staying, but since M. Main broke the pool, wait, it's back to life, wait, it's broken..thanks Tarek...nope it's...yep...*GASP* it's working again. in the meantime, all the pump breakdowns has allowed for a lot of nasty green, blackish, fungus stuff to grow in nicely. the pool is like a big slushy of nasty slime. if i was like a big giant, i'd step into my backyard and take a big drink of the green machine smoothie...but, i'm not a giant, and you need to get your head on straight. this is a mess. what am i going to do? well aside having to go hand to hand combat with the creature from the black lagoon(what a left hook that guy's got), I'm about to put the ole chlorine shock on this bad boy and call it a day. All i have to say is RIP greenmachine. (the picture is a pack of my favorite cough drops...apparently, it is someone else's too. please people, don't steal!)

Is Nigel there?

Blogs are like dedication songs. You know like when you were in high school, and you sent the dedication song over the radio to your girlfriend. Or, you might have sent it to that chic that you wanted to be your girlfriend, but you were stuck with a girl that was nuts that you couldn’t get rid of? Don’t look at me like that. All of you dated some crazy freak who tried to get you to marry them in 9th grade, but you wormed out by the hair of your teeth(really bad phrase), and you are here today only because you were able to shake Ole Crazy. Well, anyways, back to dedications…wait, no for a second, the above scenario was not about me, eh…a friend of mine. I dedicate this blog to Nigel. Why? Well, because he’s just tough as nails. I avoid situations that require me to suffer(which is exactly why I like riding dead in the middle of the race instead of at the front). Nigel likes to suffer. If you say, “Hey, Nigel…you have a choice between eating a ham and cheese or spikes, nails, and rusty saw blades pizza, Nigel will pick the pizza, then go ride 4 hours on flat tires because that will improve his balance. This past weekend he participated in a 24hr Run. Why you ask? Well, for one because he’s smart. His wife asked, and he said yes. That is good enough for me. But, still better yet because he invites pain in the door with a smile on his face. Did I mention that Nigel is not a runner? He’s a cyclist. This means that his body went through some serious pain and agony because of the bone impact that it never experiences. Want more? He also did 15 miles. For those of you who pant after you get up and grab the remote only to go sit back down and eat Cheetos, let me explain that 15miles is a very long way, and more than half of a marathon. Get you some of that. It would have been easy if he suffered it all at once, but he broke it up into smaller 5 mile chunks…while his muscles and body got a chance to swell up and curse him before his 2am second leg. So what do we say to the man, who lead me out perfectly for the best finish I had all season last year, for the man who’s favorite recovery drink is chocolate milk, for the guy whose daughter has the intellectual capacity of a 35 year old accountant? We don’t ask anything; we just grab his wheel when he pulls through.

put a fork in me, dig deep

i slept with red vines last night. i mean, i slept with Kim primarily, but RED VINES were on the floor beside the bed. oh boy, they are my new favorite thing to munch. i blazed through so many, but i find that the bag hangs around a while. who would have thought that tons of sugar could make a bad cyclist feel so good. at the end of the day, i conclude that all you need is a) the bible b) someone to watch your back c) someone who knows CPR d) 1/4 cup of olive oil e) coffee f) a time machine g) crocks h) RED VINES

you see, the list is still short now that I have added what is probably a very needed...oh wait, i forgot DORITOZ on this list. Speaking of, K did not get me any yesterday at the grocery. It looks like I'm gonna have to pay ole Mr. Teeter a visit.

You know, in general, women prefer that they hit the grocery alone. this is only because we like the things that are not on their list. I general take 2 different approaches to throw K off. If I stay near the cart, I do the old, "hey look over there...FREE TOFU!" stunt. When she looks over, BOOM, i throw a couple of Fuse in the cart...this works the first couple of times, then you have to get clever...grab some pez in one hand, then initiate a hug with the other hand, as the arms meet on the other side...PLOP...into the cart they go. My other tactic is to go look for one thing and get lost, meet up at the check out with about 15 more items...a bag of ginger spears, fruity pebbles(she will reject these...too much High Frutose Corn Syrup), organic strawberry milk, AMY'S FROZEN PIZZA PIZZA, ohh, what about that tasty crest kids toothpaste. I mean, I don't try to buy it, but it sure it good. I think they have like some orange flavored for the grownups, but pasting a ton of sugar on your teeth cannot be that healthy anyways. But, all in all, K keeps me healthy so I cannot complain. if it were up to me, i probably would not have any teeth, and my kidneys would hate me, oh oh, and there's still my heart which would be coated in fat from eating pork chops every night, along with all the free radicals which would be ready to riot into cancer from all the HFCS that I would try to slide under the mat.

BTW, I am semi-retired from cycling. After 2 days getting blow apart in races, I decided that I'll just train for a while before I ever pin another number on my back. I'm not going to give anymore donations to USA Cyling until I'm sitting 3rd wheel with one lap to go.

good morning...ps - radiohead invades charlotte in just 4 days!!!!

good old fashion funny

it's not too often that you get to do a good old skool prank on someone. well, this morning, in true bad-jokes-corporate fashion young trainee Randal Baker is going to get about 900 swishy toys dumped into his face when Jerry asks him for a random folder that is located in the cabinet. Why would we do such a thing(although I really was not involved but am quite jealous that I missed the chance)? Well, the young man in the picture(see before on previous blogs), stock trader and bearish investor, M. MAIN used to sit at this cube. When reassigned, his spot was taken while he was at the bathroom...so this is pay back. Hey, you folks know me, I don't believe in taking revenge, that's God's parking space...but this is classic. Funny even. I just had a thought though...what if Randal reads this blog before we ask him for the "folder." Ah, anyways, life is life you know. I have not had any coffee this morning, so I'm a little edgy. We are in the process of moving out of our house. In fact, last night I spent some time packing and kept finding things that I thought I'd thrown away years ago...a picture of my 3rd grade girlfriend with an inscription on the back that said, "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!" Now, you may laugh, but I'm not even sure I had a girlfriend in 3rd grade. I mean, I had a tremendous crush on Kerri Halford as I remember, but I lived in North West TN, and interracial anything was going to get somebody shot. In fact, people didn't like you mixing peanut butter and jelly...as it might give the kids the wrong idea. But anyways, what was love in 3rd grade? That basically meant that she would give me like her extra roll at lunch, and during recess, I was forced to come up to her at least once and ask her how she was doing before returning to my heavily intense game of "Smear the Deer." Yes...it was later named "Deer" after the teachers declared that "Queer" was not exactly politically correct. There's no telling what the name was before minorities got in the school. Kerri ended up getting married to a great buddy, Todd after college. They both live happily now with no kids, but I think she's a nurse, and he's a doctor. Oh yes, so that I don't forget and break the 24hr rule, I didn't find that picture...it was for a good joke, however; I did find a really nice wedding album that we haven't put any pictures in 4 years after the fact and a lot of MIX tapes.

you call this racin? Mission: Peeing

I would like to report that I have 10 wins this season, however; nothing could be further from the truth. Don't worry, I'm positive...positive that at this point, I'm just racing for fun. I'm not competing with anyone except the other losers who are training about 5 hrs a week. Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for Tom Boonen, who had his dang hands lifted in the air as he got smoked at the line by Markie C. Just look at Big Tom's face. Because I'm not used to going across the line in first place, I have plenty of advice for those who attempt to throw their hands in the air...don't do it. I guess you were expecting more there. BUT, as usual, i would like to direct your attention to the last episode of the office. He was great of course and was topped off by yet another Dwight quote, "It's purely carnal." On the subject that my wife tries to dodge. Male urine placement. Why is it that all guys prefer to pee everywhere except the toilet? I cannot answer that question. I'm known for peeing behind her truck bumper or even behind the garbage can. That is perfect cover. However, recently we have purchased a house out in the country, so I now it's right off the back porch. This is awesome. I'm going to rate this blog a 2.5 on a 5.0 scale. I've been up since 1:30am...I love the smell of bacon in the morning...sue me.

Funny, she doesn't look Drewish

boy, it's been ages. you know you always say that to old friends, however; i think you have to officially be over 60 years old for the statement to apply. 45 years qualifies as an "age." but, yes, readers it has been ages....since Michael Main and i made any money in the market, since i crossed the finish line with my hands over my hand for more than letting my underarms vent, and ages, yes, ages since a decent presidential candidate ran for office. don't start that, "what about Bush junk, and i won't tolerate any Obama/Clinton junk either. Hogwash. i think it's been ages since i used that word. wait, i'm not old enough. anyways, we are knee deep in an attempt to sell our house. and by that, i mean that we've already been through the phase where we are so excited about it that we hardly sleep on the bed that we intend to make up and press down the sheets of only 7 hrs after our heads hit the pillow in pure excitement(that's 5 hrs for kim because she's a little more excitable than me, and she requires narcotics to get some shut eye), and now we've resigned only 4 weeks later, that this place just might not sell, however; after dropping $800 bucks on inspections, my cheap-o-meter has gone off and now i'm not pleased. it's only money right? yeah right. no one with any money ever said that. when was the last time donald trump dropped a couple of hundreds out of his pocket when he was digging for an Altoids and said, ah...it's only money, no where are those dang mints. nope, it never happened. you know why, because he'd actually never carry cash. this brings me to my next point. everyone needs to stop carrying cash. having it on you make you spend it, and when i see you with it, i'll ask you to buy me some pez. yes, pez...the highly sugary fun snack, or candy that is dispensed out of the toy-candy shooter. of course my preference in the 2001 Batman. But, who can ever forget the Micky Mouse that looks chilling like the Immortals from the movie, "300." Now, that is a good movie, and for the sake of this movie discussion, which I just started even though you didn't ask...it ranks right up there with "A Clockwork Orange." And, on that note, "As an unmuddied lake, Fred. As clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, Fred." - Alex, A Clockwork Orange

OIL!

are you watching the market? remember last year around this time we were all in tears trying to pick our teeth up off the floor after the housing/sub prime market knocked them out. well you better dig deep into your daddy warbucks and invest heavy into commodities or the declining dollar. how about that oil market?

don't ask me what to invest in. talk to mike main. i'll tell you what not to invest in. stay away from pork bellies. and why isn't narcotics a sector. oh ya, we all hate to admit it, but there's a lotta drug money out there. i mean, if you cannot get your 14 year old off the dope, you can at least make money off the industry to later pay for his rehab. was that out of line? well excuse me. i already pay taxes so 3/4 of your kids can go to school, and guess what? I don't even have kids. i'm paying for your kids to go to school, fake sick, cheat on test, try to date...they aren't even old enough to date, punch eat other, fail out, and steal lunch from the cafeteria, and you want to talk to me about what's appropriate. can someone call george bush and ask him where my check is? hey, where is my economy jumpstart cash. you know, they give you money hoping you will blow it on contact. let's face it, most of you have already blown it. the fed will drop the interest rate then give you money. they might as well have unlocked all the pharmacies and given 3 billion crack heads a bus pass. I mean, who wants to invest their money when the interest rate is below the inflation rate. is that enough gibberish? well, i'm not done yet. can someone, anyone please explain to the world that organic means good and non-organic means death. i heard someone's father accuse organic OJ the cause of their son being sick. are you nuts? organic just means minus all the junk that the health and food administration likes to put in our food to make it fast to produce and cheap to sell. since when has the government ever did anything nice? oh wait, they send your kids to school with my tax money. anyways, don't give me that line, "well, we all have to die sometime." oh geez, what a cop out. tell you what, just go latch your mouth around a tail pipe and inhale then while i rev up this 1973 caprice classic...i mean why not go out on a high note. i leave you with this last bit of advice. buy pez. yep, the simple tasty candy. and, don't eat it out of the wrapper, put it in the dispenser. because that's just a good time. chao

3 mins to go

quickly ---

1) who would dare hop on this blog and give me a weak comment like the last one?
2) yes, i was sick. i had the flu, i didn't feel like getting out of bed, and when i did, i walked over to the toilet and sat down. i like the smell of bacon in the morning, sue me.
3) yes MY university of TN Vols beat the Memphis kitty cats
4) yes MY university of TN Vols lost one to a buncha nerds at vandy. they were obviously tired, and I don't care. Go VOLS.
5) anyone wanting to buy a house, sell a house, get ready for a wedding, get a new bike built, go to work, and clean the house for selling all in the same week while still working 12am till 12pm the following day 2 of the 7 days of the week...should be advised that it is not a good move.

Black Thursday

"sometimes, I just don't know why I even get out of bed." that is a now infamous quote by a friend, RM. but today, might be the day to use it. a terrible tragedy occurred this morning around 7:11 am. it has rocked the community and puzzled so many. i am still in shock and what i saw and heard. these kinds of events shape, mold, and maintain history. but, they also make us tremble and shake. i ignored my wife's warning to me last night, "maybe you should use a box.." i hate to use the over-used phrase, "women are always right." however, in this dark moment, i must say that she was right. i was only 4 sets of cubicles from my office, when i saw and heard a member of our family take a terrible spill. micheal scott, aka, the world's best boss...slipped out of my laptop bag, and onto the floor. they say 1 out of 4 bobble heads never make it to their final destination, and 2 out of 15 bobble heads don't make it to the office. anyways, the BH is now in ICU on my desk awaiting some crazy glue. it's moments like these when you just try to remember the good times, and not take for granted phrases from the past. In memory, I have listed some of my favorite quotes from MS...RIP(unless I find some crazy glue to fix him).

• That's what she said.
  
• It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.
• You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.
• I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
• I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
• Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!
• Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
• When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
• I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
• Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
• Awesome Blosom, extra awesome.
• I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
• OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
• Ok. Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent? Explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it...

There are so many more...but who can really just name one?

(That's what she said)

weekend observations

so you've come here for guidance, and i will give it to you:

• women typically pick the wrong guy, and guys always hit the jackpot


• women normally stick around if the guy shows even the tiny bit of love or concern


• the COLTS lose when the team plays like oscar the grouch's sister Sara. COME ONE COLTS! Peyton Manning put the ball right on the hands of the recievers, and down the stretch all they did was fumble. Yes, you are going to get hit when you catch the ball. It's the playoffs! CATCH THE BALL! oh well, go patriots.


• college kids get to train around 6 hrs a day. i do great if i can get in 1.5 hrs on the bike. no wonder they take it to me in the races so often. i'd be ashamed if i was in college and got beat in any race against a 29 year old slave to the office desk like myself.


• my dog is fat. getting fatter and louder.


• coffee is good. i'm not quitting, and i'm not drinking decaf...however, i will drink more water


• i want to divorce the trainer. i've ridden way too many miles on that thing and now i want to throw it off the deck of my house.


• i would like to take this moment to name my stomach - MONEY PIT


• does anyone know when the season 1 of MAN vs WILD comes out?


• no one email me about the previous question, i just found it on AMAZON


• i am hungry, surprised?


• i spent around 2 hours in the dentist chair on thursday. however, i didn't feel a thing, nor did i realize that time had past...why, you ask? well, because i had the opportunity to iPOD out to some episodes of the office. sweet!


• the best meal out there just might be Uncle Ben's rice, sugar, & butter. it has absolutely no nutritional value, and might actually be harmful, but it's good, and my brothas in asia eat rice all the time and most of them are somewhere around 800 years old. plus, who makes the best ninjas? ah, that's right...the folks from asia. think about it. how many great ninjas do you know home grown in Montana. Corn & Livermash will not make you a lethal weapon.


• NINJA WEBSITES

i just do healthy

ever since i was in spain, this blogging platform is permanently set to spanish. now, that would be great if i was all fluent and what not, but i'm just not. i'm pretty good at tennessean, but that's pretty much where my skills die out. oh well. it's a new year. which means that i'm going back to healthiness again. yeah, all organic, staying hydrated, no girl scout cookies(after the ones i just ordered), no iHOP, more base miles in the legs, less 14 hr days at work, better groomed toe-nails, more sleep, less fast food..in fact - NO fast food, better bike position, more yoga, less complaining, more hugging, less running, more email - yes MORE than 2007, more soydream, more pictures, more haircuts, more spandex, less frat jokes, more bible time, more drop kicks, more babysitting, more mission trips, less airplane turbulence, more hand washing, more salads, fewer dishes in the sink, more poo jokes, more magazines, more out loud singing, more taking my dogs out in my boxers, more poo pickup bags, more SEC NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, and more mini sized bananas...why? because if you die, you won't be all that pleased with yourself for chomping down through a whole banana when we all know that you give up on those things half way through...you just keep going because you don't want to waste it. but it's good not to waste, i just think we should go with smaller portions in 2008. Happier, Fitter, More Productive, Like a Cat, Tied to a Stick, on Antibiotics....